(Untitled)

[scarletyouth]

When i think about how the best souls whose kindness grace the holiest of pages will fall to their knees, my heart drops in fear. My mind's eye is effaced with shame and knows my place among the dust; for i am a speck of dust itself. Somehow it feels like the further i travel and the more i open my heart to your love, the more i begin to comprehend

Comments

[visa__]

i feel torn between not wanting to interrupt a private, personal moment and saying what i feel needs to be said:

we will never be enough, we will never find the meaning and experience the completion of our existence through the presence of the infinite/eternal, will always be turning too slowly, will always be distracted...

I think the salvation we are looking for is right where we are; it's just waiting for us to dry our eyes and accept that it's OKAY to never be enough- and only in those moments of acceptance will we actually BE enough.

(in a bizzare twist of perspectives; it almost seems to me like you're approaching spiritual fulfillment with an overly quantitative methodology; the language and mannerisms you use to describe your spiritual yearning painfully reminds me of the blogs of anorexics)

Take a distanced perspective from yourself, and see that there's one part of you that seems to be loathing another part of you. Once you can see that, do what you already know needs to be done in any such instance. You have so much love and compassion for others- you simply need to see how it applies within yourself, too.

It's entirely possible that I've misinterpreted everything, in which case please disregard this completely as another instance of me sprouting nonsense.

Be good to yourself. <3

and sorry for intruding/slamming you with a wall of text~

[scarletyouth]

i know i am not enough, that i will never be enough. I am not working towards perfection, i am working towards fulfilling the best of my potentials. I was expressing a very great disappointment of me very consciously not doing that. You kind of misunderstood me. But i don't blame you because i can never talk about these things well. Well i only wrote that to sort my thoughts out. I was never talking about myself. I was talking to God.

I wasn't hating myself because at that moment i really didn't have any sort of conscious feel of being myself. It was one of those moments when i felt any sense of self dissolving. I do not hate myself you know. I am very critical of myself, but i do not hate myself. I know i say those things sometimes. "I hate myself". But that's jut a lazy, cheap way of expressing a deeper discord. Language will always fail me, especially since i'm not very good at expressing myself clearly.. so don't take my language vey seriously. haha..

I do not know what salvation is. I don't know if i can accept your notion. I don't think i can settle for any until the day i die, but it's fine. With fear & trembling.

but thank you though Visa for saying all these things & caring. <3