revel in the perspective.
okay. im gonna bullet this stuff. its a time of change, checklists, good times, and bad ones. here goes.
ive changed. very much so over the last 2 years of my life.
from punishing myself to punishing others... to loving myself to loving others. to stand for justice and trying to control things i cannot and controlling all the things i can.
WORK: its been a rollercoaster of high turn over jobs. and im still looking for a niche. i semi-want to go to a far away land to get a job. it seems so much more thrilling. but fuck it. i just need to be in the game industry and ill be happy. thats all. start saving money mk. START NOW DAMMIT. STOP SPENDING SHIT. also, things look to be turning around soon. tee hee. more later.
SOCIAL: i have found over the last 2 years i have acquired a great group of friends. more than i ever expected to have. the commorodory is wonderful. however, ive lost a few along the way. they werent worth being friends with though. theres always a reason why people from you past, dont make it into your future. i miss the far away people. im scared of my best friends leaving soon. it will be a sad day.
ROMANCE: i have had 3 men in my life in the last 2 years. all three have made me cry, made me beam with joy, and made me a stronger person for different reasons. I will not disclose them, but of course, i have a song for each by NIN, that represents them. Something I Can Never Have, Were in This Together, and Love Is Not Enough. I will never tell any of them which one they are. But that in itself is pretty bittersweet. hey, its my journal. if you ask, im not telling. ya nosy fucks. hehe :)
I opened my shading and lighting book and this page surfaced:
Mk's top qualities in a guy:
Trust.
Respect.
Devotion.
Honor.
Humor.
Ambition.
still true. sadly i dont think i deserve love or a relationship yet. im not happy with myself still. i cant take anyone down with me. i need to work on worrying about my own feelings and not everyone elses. that has been my biggest problem. until now. i am finally set straight in my convictions. it may be hard to hear for some. but i know what im doing and im being as realistic as possible.
thats why i dont blame you.
FAMILY: things are ...volatile. but my mom is the strongest person i know, and i love her, endlessly. more than anyone ever. and it will always be true. please. let everything work out soon. i want her to be happy. free, and easy. i love you mom.
now, as for today, to do list:
-drop off driver certificate.
-get money from bank for rent.
-driver certif.
-taxes Apr 2, 630pm
next week:
-back up laptop.
-install corel.
-schedule dermatology.
-call watson
-find a way to get desktop online
-change helio plan.
phew. buckle up.
i am. the fragile.
ive changed. very much so over the last 2 years of my life.
from punishing myself to punishing others... to loving myself to loving others. to stand for justice and trying to control things i cannot and controlling all the things i can.
WORK: its been a rollercoaster of high turn over jobs. and im still looking for a niche. i semi-want to go to a far away land to get a job. it seems so much more thrilling. but fuck it. i just need to be in the game industry and ill be happy. thats all. start saving money mk. START NOW DAMMIT. STOP SPENDING SHIT. also, things look to be turning around soon. tee hee. more later.
SOCIAL: i have found over the last 2 years i have acquired a great group of friends. more than i ever expected to have. the commorodory is wonderful. however, ive lost a few along the way. they werent worth being friends with though. theres always a reason why people from you past, dont make it into your future. i miss the far away people. im scared of my best friends leaving soon. it will be a sad day.
ROMANCE: i have had 3 men in my life in the last 2 years. all three have made me cry, made me beam with joy, and made me a stronger person for different reasons. I will not disclose them, but of course, i have a song for each by NIN, that represents them. Something I Can Never Have, Were in This Together, and Love Is Not Enough. I will never tell any of them which one they are. But that in itself is pretty bittersweet. hey, its my journal. if you ask, im not telling. ya nosy fucks. hehe :)
I opened my shading and lighting book and this page surfaced:
Mk's top qualities in a guy:
Trust.
Respect.
Devotion.
Honor.
Humor.
Ambition.
still true. sadly i dont think i deserve love or a relationship yet. im not happy with myself still. i cant take anyone down with me. i need to work on worrying about my own feelings and not everyone elses. that has been my biggest problem. until now. i am finally set straight in my convictions. it may be hard to hear for some. but i know what im doing and im being as realistic as possible.
thats why i dont blame you.
FAMILY: things are ...volatile. but my mom is the strongest person i know, and i love her, endlessly. more than anyone ever. and it will always be true. please. let everything work out soon. i want her to be happy. free, and easy. i love you mom.
now, as for today, to do list:
-drop off driver certificate.
-get money from bank for rent.
-driver certif.
-taxes Apr 2, 630pm
next week:
-back up laptop.
-install corel.
-schedule dermatology.
-call watson
-find a way to get desktop online
-change helio plan.
phew. buckle up.
i am. the fragile.