(no subject)
it is such a bad idea for me to blog now. maybe not. I am emotional right now, but perhaps things will spill themselves among this digital pages oh so perfectly, i wont feel that I did myself injustice.
i miss my mom. i miss my dog. i miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss not being nervous all the time. I miss just eating a normal amount instead of a bunch because im nervous. I miss when things were still easy and money didnt make activity depend on it. I hate money. I hate what it does and why it exists. I felt so calm on the beachy side of the complex with robert today. we just walked. and talked. much better activity than the usual "well lets sit around and watch a movie or play games." i like that stuff. but ...sometimes i need and want different things. more things. simple things, LITTLE things even.. mean so much to me. I've never been so out of control before. I just want someone to hug me for hours and rub my head and tell me that things will be okay.. and have that actually happen. Ive been on my own for about 2 weeks now... and it feels like its been much longer. I need to stop being impatient I guess. I am hurling myself into a panic and I hate it. i nabbed a paying job in a week and i moved in and i worked on getting my apartment basically organized. I just feel so tired emotionally. Yet I cant sleep without gripping the pillow tight. I went swimming tonight with a bunch of acquaintances and some good friends. I secretly wish all my friends liked each other, even though I know not all of them are like peas in a pod. But then again, I love the differences.
I feel detached from bryan. I honestly had an inkling perhaps that my heart was still setting on fire and i was feeling that losing your stomach thing when you go down a drop on a roller coaster is just on my side, and it has worn away for him. the fire isnt out, but it is in need of more tinder and lighter fluid. i dont want it to hurt. when i see him, i almost feel desperate. i dont want to stop holding his hand the entire time, or stop hugging or kissing him. it feels like perhaps this anxiousness makes the situation worse. because i just seem smothering. I just have no idea how to control myself anymore i guess. even in this department, and the paragraph before.
I wish I felt like i did last month. I felt that i was totally in control of myself. I had my morals, and my grounds and my personality, and my identity. and i wasnt timid. and i didnt care what people say. now i just feel. ugh. i hate this word.
Vulnerable.
this song does my insides pretty well in the description area. at least for the matters of the "heart part"
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last
I want to be rescued too. I have a hero complex.
i miss my mom. i miss my dog. i miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss not being nervous all the time. I miss just eating a normal amount instead of a bunch because im nervous. I miss when things were still easy and money didnt make activity depend on it. I hate money. I hate what it does and why it exists. I felt so calm on the beachy side of the complex with robert today. we just walked. and talked. much better activity than the usual "well lets sit around and watch a movie or play games." i like that stuff. but ...sometimes i need and want different things. more things. simple things, LITTLE things even.. mean so much to me. I've never been so out of control before. I just want someone to hug me for hours and rub my head and tell me that things will be okay.. and have that actually happen. Ive been on my own for about 2 weeks now... and it feels like its been much longer. I need to stop being impatient I guess. I am hurling myself into a panic and I hate it. i nabbed a paying job in a week and i moved in and i worked on getting my apartment basically organized. I just feel so tired emotionally. Yet I cant sleep without gripping the pillow tight. I went swimming tonight with a bunch of acquaintances and some good friends. I secretly wish all my friends liked each other, even though I know not all of them are like peas in a pod. But then again, I love the differences.
I feel detached from bryan. I honestly had an inkling perhaps that my heart was still setting on fire and i was feeling that losing your stomach thing when you go down a drop on a roller coaster is just on my side, and it has worn away for him. the fire isnt out, but it is in need of more tinder and lighter fluid. i dont want it to hurt. when i see him, i almost feel desperate. i dont want to stop holding his hand the entire time, or stop hugging or kissing him. it feels like perhaps this anxiousness makes the situation worse. because i just seem smothering. I just have no idea how to control myself anymore i guess. even in this department, and the paragraph before.
I wish I felt like i did last month. I felt that i was totally in control of myself. I had my morals, and my grounds and my personality, and my identity. and i wasnt timid. and i didnt care what people say. now i just feel. ugh. i hate this word.
Vulnerable.
this song does my insides pretty well in the description area. at least for the matters of the "heart part"
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last
I want to be rescued too. I have a hero complex.