Life Changes You
To think on how much my life has changed within the past 8 months is completely crazy to me. I am a completely different person but also the same person. I guess you can say I have changed or as the philosophical person would say "you are growing into the woman you were meant to be" .... However you want to look at it I'm defiantly a different person especially with all the physical changes that have come with my pregnancy as well as the emotional changes and the people that have really gone out of their way to help me or hurt me.
I haven't written in a while, one because I have had a lot of big changes going on in my life from the last post and two because I actually had time today to sit down and peruse the internet. From my last post I was job searching due to me soon relocating and as of today I have been officially moved out of my grungy drug infested apartment complex!!! I can't believe how much better it feels to actually be able to walk outside at night or even at dusk and not feel scared or have some obscene comment thrown in my direction. I am actually living with my parents right now in the basement ... which honestly I thought the experience was going to be hard because of the past when living at home but actually its really quite nice. I have a room downstairs which is small but I'm not complaining because I'm going to be living here rent free. My older brother who is 30 resides in the bedroom right next to me. He has never left home nore has my parents asked him to. We are living there under the same terms, rent free and my son's room will be right next to mine, across the hallway from my brother's room. I shall say he is never home he wakes up at 5:30 am to go to work and then won't come home until the hours of 12 am - 2 am so its quite - though since he is gone all the time my dogs think he is an intruder and wake me up whenever he is "moving" about around the house (which is also why I know his schedule).
I moved home at the end of September and in the time of me moving home I've had my baby shower, I have set up the nursery as well as applied for jobs. All of which has been a positive experience. My baby shower was a lot of fun, I was happier just to see faces of friends and family that I hadn't seen in a while or that I had just missed from moving away. I can't believe the kindness of people as well that I have experienced in my life since my shower. My Mother's side of the family had all pitched in to get a stroller and car seat combo which was totally amazing!!! I have also received so much kindness from my family, which I never would have expected! I guess it surprises me because I feel like I'm just another person and they don't have to help me out and because I'm not married, single and about to have a child that they would look down upon me. This isn’t the case at all! I do have some family members that have asked me if I'm going to get married, which then brings up an awkward feeling which I haven't yet figured out how to describe, I then tell them no and for the most part they end the conversation right there because they can sense my annoyance, hurt and anger level on the subject which isn't geared toward them at all, just the significant other who blessed me with an amazing gift.
My feelings towards my son’s father have greatly changed and I think I have hit my limit when it comes to dealing with comments from him. Basically from the beginning he had wanted adoption and his reasoning was and still is because this child that I'm carrying is going to ruin his life financially. He has two children currently and he states that he loves his kids and wouldn't change anything but me keeping our child my son will basically ruin him financially - He is going to loose his house his car everything. He has even told me that he had to borrow money from his father to make a car payment. Now I'm a very understanding person and I can relate to a lot of people in what they tell me because I try to place myself in their shoes... well I've been in his shoes before I've had to sell items in my house just so that I can get enough money to barely make rent ... I know how that goes ... but I guess what frustrates me about this whole subject is that he will tell me how he has no money and borrows money to make payments he then goes out drinking with his friend and tells me about it. Doesn't that seem a little off to you?? He doesn't want to get a second job and is getting paid from the union right now because as he tells me he got laid off.
Another topic that also gets under my skin is that he hasn't told anyone of me - which he doesn’t have to it’s his right. But this also gets me thinking as to why he is still pushing adoption so hard to me.... I feel almost because he doesn't want his family and friends to know that he is going to have another kid ... and then I start to think why..... It could very well be because he can't afford it or maybe I was the side girl that he was with?? Idk these are just my thoughts ... I guess the reason why all of this upsets me is because he is 36 years old and is acting this way. I'm 23 years old and feel like the comments he is making to me and how he is acting should be coming from a 21 year old man not a 36 year old man. Just my thoughts ... I also am frustrated with the fact that the last two times I had seen him since I had moved he stated to me that he was going to try to get a connection with me and my son so I let him come over because I want him to be in our lives if he is going to be positive which at that point he was and I was starting to think hey things could be looking up.... and when I move home and have a conversation with him over the phone he brings up the adoption aspect again. I'm just so frustrated with the flip flop of emotions and the BS that he tells me because it hurts me emotionally. I am also confused with the fact that he tells me he wants to be a legal father … but yet wants to do adoption. Can someone please enlighten me on this subject because to me it makes no sense at all?
Anyways now that I've vented enough... and you have actually kept reading ... :) I'm going to change the subject - I actually was offered a full time position and start at the end of this month!! which I did not expect! but I'm totally excited and can't wait since the job is within the feild of study I graduated college with!!
Well till next time.
- Katie