(no subject)
Okay, given a lack of postage for a while and large amounts of time to waste, I decided to come into college to 'work on my coursework' aka browse the net without my mum glowering over my shoulder.
Tongue's gone down :-D went to see the piercer guy on...Wednesday? to see how it was doing, and apparently it's the best piercing he's ever seen. Normally it takes 3-4 weeks to get a downgrade bar put in but he said I might be able to get it in just a few days. Maybe then I'll be able to whistle and blow raspberries properly again...
Ugh. I really want more female friends. Seems like everyone I hang around with on a regular basis has a penis. But I'm getting there. I was at Alex's with Vicky the other day and we decided to bleach her hair, and as she sat in front of the t.v. with me combing the stuff through and being generally girly she said, 'this is really cool, I don't have many girlfriends to do this kind of thing with usually'. I know that's nothing huge but it made me happy, that I'm starting to get more girlfriends who I can just hang around with, and that I'm not the only girl who feels like I'm slightly out of sync with the rest of the female race. The only thing is that all the female friendships I've had in the past have fucked up in some way or another.
Olivia-My first best friend. So close we were practically sisters, and I know that's a cliche, but it was really, really true, we used to sit with our arms touching in the car so that literally nothing came between us, not even air. It was because of her that I asked my parents if it's okay to be a lesbian when I was about seven, because I loved her so much (albeit not actually as a lesbian) and at that age even if you have feelings that strong you aren't usually aware of them. Unfortunately she moved away at the end of year 5 and we lost contact-last time I spoke to her was Christmas day seven years ago. I really wish I'd kept contact with her because I've never been that close to a girl since, and more and more recently I find myself wondering how she turned out, where she is now (I tried to write a couple of years ago but she'd changed address) and whether we'd still get on.
Bethany-Nothing much to say, except that we were friends and she moved to Yorkshire. A few years ago she turned up with Ayse at my door and asked me to come out but I couldn't and I never saw her since.
Ayse-Pronounced 'I-share' or 'I-sha', kinda like Aisha withought the 'e' bit. We went to the same primary school but she turned out to be a bit of a super bitch and we had a few arguments and lost contact when we went to different high schools (she went to Bentley Wood because she liked the uniform). I heard that she moved to Turkey (her dad was Turkish) and I saw her in Harrow about a year ago, but I don't think she recognised me-I was sitting in Esquires and she was messing about at the bottom of the escalators. I might have walked over but she was with two girls and three guys and it was very obviously a triple-date sort of thing and I didn't want to intrude.
Danielle-I was friends with her in Primary school and we went to high school together. She lived about 20 doors down the road from me and we used to hang out a lot in summer and in school, and we walked to high school together til November 5th year 8. She'd been getting increasingly bitchy and competitive in the way that year 8 girls do, when we had a huge argument that involved her mum calling my answerphone and calling me a bitch and we didn't speak after that. Recently I saw her at Charlie's 18th birthday and went and asked how she was, and we were civil to eachother but I don't really want to know her well again. She moved, as well, to Eastcote somewhere I think.
Mia-My first high-school best friend. We got on really well until she started hanging around with Donna Smith, who didn't like me and I didn't like her. A few arguments later and we ended up separating into sort-of friends and still speak occassionally.
Interspersed with a few 'friends' who I don't have much to say about (Rachel; who only became my best friend so I wouldn't mind her snogging the guy I fancied, Jenni; who was way too bossy but pretty nice and I work with her now and we get on pretty well, Jayna; my 'best friend' during the BRIEF period I had in Earlsmead of hanging around with the popular crowd before I decided I preferred to run around in mud with Jack than spend breaktime comparing necklaces from Girl Talk), I have to say that I don't really have any enduring female friendships with girls who I feel totally comfortable with. Not the kinds of friendships I have with guys, anyway; much as I love some girls (you know who you are) I just don't have the I'm-bored-you're-depressed-let's-go-get-my-tongue-pierced, leaving-lasagne-outside-the-bedroom-door-for-when-I-change-my-mind-about-wanting-it, you-can-time-by-the-minute-how-long-it-takes-me-to-succumb-to-buying-sparkly-converse kind of relationship that I have with Alex or Jack or Daniel; when I try to get relationships like that they seem too forced, not quite real. I guess I just don't trust girls because they're mostly too bitchy; and I'm NOT generalising-it's actually true. I've had friends who've been fine to me for ages and then all of a sudden they turn around and start being totally horrible for NO reason; and after about five people have done the same thing you start to get a bit jaded. I never feel like I'm enough around girls; I feel like they're better than me because they have more Barbies or are going to live in the countryside or have more piercings or are still virgins and after years of trying to measure up to people I'm meant to be comfortable with I think I just gave up and decided that, seeing as guys don't wear make-up, they won't look down on me for not wearing it either (which I didn't til I was about fourteen).
And you know, I am pretty girly. I read Sugar magazine, I just read Kerrang and People's Friend as well. I wear make-up, but I don't apply it with a trowel or get the industrial-strength brands, just buy the same ones each time. I obssess about my weight, I cried buckets when Dr. Who and Rose said goodbye, I watch way too many chick-flicks for my own good and really all I want at the end of the day is to know that someone loves me. And guys are great, because once they've seen me with no make-up whining that I need chocolate they tend to forget about seeing me as someone they could fancy and just see me as...a guy, I guess. But sympathetic as they are about periods, they just don't get HOW MUCH they hurt, or how frustrating it is when you can't find your eyeliner, or how generally annoying they-men-are; that's what you need girls for. Of course, there are some girls who I feel really close to, like Coral and my cousin Zoe (who I've literally known since before I was born and we've only ever had one argument), but apart from that? Not hugely. And when I see girls at college hanging out together in the art room, or two girls walking down the road linking arms (although I wouldn't do that, not being twelve any more), I just get the feeling that I'm missing out.
Tongue's gone down :-D went to see the piercer guy on...Wednesday? to see how it was doing, and apparently it's the best piercing he's ever seen. Normally it takes 3-4 weeks to get a downgrade bar put in but he said I might be able to get it in just a few days. Maybe then I'll be able to whistle and blow raspberries properly again...
Ugh. I really want more female friends. Seems like everyone I hang around with on a regular basis has a penis. But I'm getting there. I was at Alex's with Vicky the other day and we decided to bleach her hair, and as she sat in front of the t.v. with me combing the stuff through and being generally girly she said, 'this is really cool, I don't have many girlfriends to do this kind of thing with usually'. I know that's nothing huge but it made me happy, that I'm starting to get more girlfriends who I can just hang around with, and that I'm not the only girl who feels like I'm slightly out of sync with the rest of the female race. The only thing is that all the female friendships I've had in the past have fucked up in some way or another.
Olivia-My first best friend. So close we were practically sisters, and I know that's a cliche, but it was really, really true, we used to sit with our arms touching in the car so that literally nothing came between us, not even air. It was because of her that I asked my parents if it's okay to be a lesbian when I was about seven, because I loved her so much (albeit not actually as a lesbian) and at that age even if you have feelings that strong you aren't usually aware of them. Unfortunately she moved away at the end of year 5 and we lost contact-last time I spoke to her was Christmas day seven years ago. I really wish I'd kept contact with her because I've never been that close to a girl since, and more and more recently I find myself wondering how she turned out, where she is now (I tried to write a couple of years ago but she'd changed address) and whether we'd still get on.
Bethany-Nothing much to say, except that we were friends and she moved to Yorkshire. A few years ago she turned up with Ayse at my door and asked me to come out but I couldn't and I never saw her since.
Ayse-Pronounced 'I-share' or 'I-sha', kinda like Aisha withought the 'e' bit. We went to the same primary school but she turned out to be a bit of a super bitch and we had a few arguments and lost contact when we went to different high schools (she went to Bentley Wood because she liked the uniform). I heard that she moved to Turkey (her dad was Turkish) and I saw her in Harrow about a year ago, but I don't think she recognised me-I was sitting in Esquires and she was messing about at the bottom of the escalators. I might have walked over but she was with two girls and three guys and it was very obviously a triple-date sort of thing and I didn't want to intrude.
Danielle-I was friends with her in Primary school and we went to high school together. She lived about 20 doors down the road from me and we used to hang out a lot in summer and in school, and we walked to high school together til November 5th year 8. She'd been getting increasingly bitchy and competitive in the way that year 8 girls do, when we had a huge argument that involved her mum calling my answerphone and calling me a bitch and we didn't speak after that. Recently I saw her at Charlie's 18th birthday and went and asked how she was, and we were civil to eachother but I don't really want to know her well again. She moved, as well, to Eastcote somewhere I think.
Mia-My first high-school best friend. We got on really well until she started hanging around with Donna Smith, who didn't like me and I didn't like her. A few arguments later and we ended up separating into sort-of friends and still speak occassionally.
Interspersed with a few 'friends' who I don't have much to say about (Rachel; who only became my best friend so I wouldn't mind her snogging the guy I fancied, Jenni; who was way too bossy but pretty nice and I work with her now and we get on pretty well, Jayna; my 'best friend' during the BRIEF period I had in Earlsmead of hanging around with the popular crowd before I decided I preferred to run around in mud with Jack than spend breaktime comparing necklaces from Girl Talk), I have to say that I don't really have any enduring female friendships with girls who I feel totally comfortable with. Not the kinds of friendships I have with guys, anyway; much as I love some girls (you know who you are) I just don't have the I'm-bored-you're-depressed-let's-go-get-my-tongue-pierced, leaving-lasagne-outside-the-bedroom-door-for-when-I-change-my-mind-about-wanting-it, you-can-time-by-the-minute-how-long-it-takes-me-to-succumb-to-buying-sparkly-converse kind of relationship that I have with Alex or Jack or Daniel; when I try to get relationships like that they seem too forced, not quite real. I guess I just don't trust girls because they're mostly too bitchy; and I'm NOT generalising-it's actually true. I've had friends who've been fine to me for ages and then all of a sudden they turn around and start being totally horrible for NO reason; and after about five people have done the same thing you start to get a bit jaded. I never feel like I'm enough around girls; I feel like they're better than me because they have more Barbies or are going to live in the countryside or have more piercings or are still virgins and after years of trying to measure up to people I'm meant to be comfortable with I think I just gave up and decided that, seeing as guys don't wear make-up, they won't look down on me for not wearing it either (which I didn't til I was about fourteen).
And you know, I am pretty girly. I read Sugar magazine, I just read Kerrang and People's Friend as well. I wear make-up, but I don't apply it with a trowel or get the industrial-strength brands, just buy the same ones each time. I obssess about my weight, I cried buckets when Dr. Who and Rose said goodbye, I watch way too many chick-flicks for my own good and really all I want at the end of the day is to know that someone loves me. And guys are great, because once they've seen me with no make-up whining that I need chocolate they tend to forget about seeing me as someone they could fancy and just see me as...a guy, I guess. But sympathetic as they are about periods, they just don't get HOW MUCH they hurt, or how frustrating it is when you can't find your eyeliner, or how generally annoying they-men-are; that's what you need girls for. Of course, there are some girls who I feel really close to, like Coral and my cousin Zoe (who I've literally known since before I was born and we've only ever had one argument), but apart from that? Not hugely. And when I see girls at college hanging out together in the art room, or two girls walking down the road linking arms (although I wouldn't do that, not being twelve any more), I just get the feeling that I'm missing out.