Blisters
I feel sad about something. And I think I know what the something is. I have too much time on my hands. Too much time to think. Too much time to analyse, to get lost in my thoughts. They seem to be devouring me and it is showing. Showing in how I feel so tired, showing in how I am reacting to certain people. I don't mean to be this way. I think I have been trying to lock these thoughts away in a box. Trying to 'get over' them because I feel certain people in my life believe I should. Trying not to worry about things because there are certain people in my life that believe I shouldnt be. Not until things are certain. But when will they ever be?
It seems that things are overlapping. Once I am beginning to feel ok in a certain area of my life, something else comes along and takes over.
I feel like I am in someway grieving. For the fact that my body does not feel like my own anymore. I can eat well, I can look after myself, I could follow the rules but yet my body does its own thing. I am not the one who makes the decision whether I can have kids or not, whether I lose weight or not, whether I have regular periods, its my body that chooses, that decides.
Maybe it seems egotistical, but the one thing I always wanted to do, the one thing I thought I might be good at in someway was being a mother. I know that option isnt closed to me completely, maybe I will have no trouble conceiving but I had dreams in my head. I had dreams of me doing the things with my own children that was never done with me. I would teach them how to paint, how to make little mobiles with hanging butterflies and planets. I would take a little girl to dancing lessons, music lessons, horseriding, i would do anything she would want to do but I would encourage her to be outgoing and tell her she was beautiful, hug her all the time, so much she would get so sick of it, she would roll her eyes.
I havent found what I am good at. There is nothing that I feel I excel in, and maybe I would have been good at this and maybe i'll never have the chance.
I don't wish to be sad about this. I don't wish to remain sad over this. But I won't ever know and I know when I try to conceive I will be sick with fear.
I thought I was over the worst. I would rather suffer depression than this. At least I know I can get through depression, that it will get easier. But this? This just gets harder.
I fear the examination, I fear it because I don't want to be told there is something wrong with me. I don't want to be told I have cysts on my ovaries. I don't want to be told it's my fault. I messed up something that I cant do anything about. I can't do anything to make it better. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Like a sentence. And this examination, i'll go on my own, why? Because I'll destroy the person who is sitting next to me. I'll be on edge, i'll tear into them with my words because thats all I can do. I can't ask for a hug, i cant ask for a hand on mine. I cant ask for them as I fear that they wont be given to me.
What the fuck did I do in my past life? I am truely sorry for it. ok, calm down right? It's not all confirmed. The physical test confirms it and maybe i'm fine. I just have these symptoms for no particular reason. But now I get to think about these things for months.
I know I have support. I know I have someone looking out for me. I know he is trying to hold me up, I just wish that I could feel it on the outside as well as the inside. I am sure that he is for me because he is so far away and it's not simple, things are are difficult is what I have known, is what has been the norm for the past few years. Nothing is worth getting if you dont work for it, if you dont feel pain over it, if you dont battle for it.
I know I beat myself up too much, but I do it because I am scared. I'm scared that if I don't do it, someone else will. I keep things to myself because sometimes it takes so much effort to say things, it takes effort to delve.
I speak of my thoughts to some of the most important people in my life, my mother for example. When I share with her, about what I am thinking, about my fears, I am told I analyse too much, that I shouldnt dwell on things. Then I have to justify myself, justify why I am trying to explore my feelings, that I have the right to do that. And when I am forced to do this, I am slowly closing up to her, in turn closing up to other people as I fear that they will have the same reaction as her.
Now I just realise as I think more about this, maybe this is why I am so into myself. Maybe this is why I am not outward and talkative with people, as when I was a little girl I was told to go away if I spoke too much or asked too many questions. I was asked to leave them alone (my parents) and then that lead me to work out a reason why. Therefore I have came up with the idea that I am boring, I have little to offer, people do not wish to hear about me. I fear that if I speak too much about myself, I will be told to keep quiet. That is why I write 'blah, blah, blah' or I say that I will tell myself to shut up.
Now i'll shut up.
It seems that things are overlapping. Once I am beginning to feel ok in a certain area of my life, something else comes along and takes over.
I feel like I am in someway grieving. For the fact that my body does not feel like my own anymore. I can eat well, I can look after myself, I could follow the rules but yet my body does its own thing. I am not the one who makes the decision whether I can have kids or not, whether I lose weight or not, whether I have regular periods, its my body that chooses, that decides.
Maybe it seems egotistical, but the one thing I always wanted to do, the one thing I thought I might be good at in someway was being a mother. I know that option isnt closed to me completely, maybe I will have no trouble conceiving but I had dreams in my head. I had dreams of me doing the things with my own children that was never done with me. I would teach them how to paint, how to make little mobiles with hanging butterflies and planets. I would take a little girl to dancing lessons, music lessons, horseriding, i would do anything she would want to do but I would encourage her to be outgoing and tell her she was beautiful, hug her all the time, so much she would get so sick of it, she would roll her eyes.
I havent found what I am good at. There is nothing that I feel I excel in, and maybe I would have been good at this and maybe i'll never have the chance.
I don't wish to be sad about this. I don't wish to remain sad over this. But I won't ever know and I know when I try to conceive I will be sick with fear.
I thought I was over the worst. I would rather suffer depression than this. At least I know I can get through depression, that it will get easier. But this? This just gets harder.
I fear the examination, I fear it because I don't want to be told there is something wrong with me. I don't want to be told I have cysts on my ovaries. I don't want to be told it's my fault. I messed up something that I cant do anything about. I can't do anything to make it better. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Like a sentence. And this examination, i'll go on my own, why? Because I'll destroy the person who is sitting next to me. I'll be on edge, i'll tear into them with my words because thats all I can do. I can't ask for a hug, i cant ask for a hand on mine. I cant ask for them as I fear that they wont be given to me.
What the fuck did I do in my past life? I am truely sorry for it. ok, calm down right? It's not all confirmed. The physical test confirms it and maybe i'm fine. I just have these symptoms for no particular reason. But now I get to think about these things for months.
I know I have support. I know I have someone looking out for me. I know he is trying to hold me up, I just wish that I could feel it on the outside as well as the inside. I am sure that he is for me because he is so far away and it's not simple, things are are difficult is what I have known, is what has been the norm for the past few years. Nothing is worth getting if you dont work for it, if you dont feel pain over it, if you dont battle for it.
I know I beat myself up too much, but I do it because I am scared. I'm scared that if I don't do it, someone else will. I keep things to myself because sometimes it takes so much effort to say things, it takes effort to delve.
I speak of my thoughts to some of the most important people in my life, my mother for example. When I share with her, about what I am thinking, about my fears, I am told I analyse too much, that I shouldnt dwell on things. Then I have to justify myself, justify why I am trying to explore my feelings, that I have the right to do that. And when I am forced to do this, I am slowly closing up to her, in turn closing up to other people as I fear that they will have the same reaction as her.
Now I just realise as I think more about this, maybe this is why I am so into myself. Maybe this is why I am not outward and talkative with people, as when I was a little girl I was told to go away if I spoke too much or asked too many questions. I was asked to leave them alone (my parents) and then that lead me to work out a reason why. Therefore I have came up with the idea that I am boring, I have little to offer, people do not wish to hear about me. I fear that if I speak too much about myself, I will be told to keep quiet. That is why I write 'blah, blah, blah' or I say that I will tell myself to shut up.
Now i'll shut up.