Ironic and Bittersweet
Okay so here it is.
New guy, new problem.
Well it's not really a problem per say, just more confusion if anything. I have no clue what to think or even how I feel. I don't know what I want anymore and it is really scary. I hate not having control over my feelings. It makes me feel hopeless and pathetic.
I was finally happy with not liking anyone. I can do whatever I want, talk to anyone I want, and not have any restrictions. But once you start liking someone there are always restrictions. None of which I like.
But then there is the fact that I do get lonely sometimes and that maybe this guy would actually be someone worth it. I know it's hard thinking of that because really, I have thought about it before and I turned out to be wrong. As usual.
I just really don't know what to do. And to add it all together, he gave up one me because I wasn't showing the feelings and giving hints.
Okay I get that. I get it a lot. It's been a process in the making, trust me on this one, because I can finally admit that I didn't just figure out that I liked him last night. It's been floating around in my head for a while and I left it unattended for the simple fact of being scared. I am always scared for some damn reason and I don't know why. I hate getting hurt and sometimes I just don't know if any of it is even worth it. Honestly, the amount of time that is spent crying on lost, broken feelings is amazing. I hate it all. At that point in time I feel completely vulnerable and stupid. I beat myself up and I let myself fall. I just don't want that again. I mean its gotten so bad that the last time we didn't even get in a relationship before I was dropped and forgotten. Whose to say that it won't happen again? Hell, maybe it already has.
I guess that's what I get in this whole completely ironic situation. I want someone, but I'm too scared, and when I finally admit it to myself and the closest people to me, I find out that I am nothing but a forgotten memory.
Is this really always supposed to happen? Oh well. At least I got two dances. It was kool and he looked really good last night, even smelt good too. Hehe. The picture was cute too. I wonder if Fonna is going to send it to him. Hm..
Isn't it lovely how bittersweet this all is?
-jessica
New guy, new problem.
Well it's not really a problem per say, just more confusion if anything. I have no clue what to think or even how I feel. I don't know what I want anymore and it is really scary. I hate not having control over my feelings. It makes me feel hopeless and pathetic.
I was finally happy with not liking anyone. I can do whatever I want, talk to anyone I want, and not have any restrictions. But once you start liking someone there are always restrictions. None of which I like.
But then there is the fact that I do get lonely sometimes and that maybe this guy would actually be someone worth it. I know it's hard thinking of that because really, I have thought about it before and I turned out to be wrong. As usual.
I just really don't know what to do. And to add it all together, he gave up one me because I wasn't showing the feelings and giving hints.
Okay I get that. I get it a lot. It's been a process in the making, trust me on this one, because I can finally admit that I didn't just figure out that I liked him last night. It's been floating around in my head for a while and I left it unattended for the simple fact of being scared. I am always scared for some damn reason and I don't know why. I hate getting hurt and sometimes I just don't know if any of it is even worth it. Honestly, the amount of time that is spent crying on lost, broken feelings is amazing. I hate it all. At that point in time I feel completely vulnerable and stupid. I beat myself up and I let myself fall. I just don't want that again. I mean its gotten so bad that the last time we didn't even get in a relationship before I was dropped and forgotten. Whose to say that it won't happen again? Hell, maybe it already has.
I guess that's what I get in this whole completely ironic situation. I want someone, but I'm too scared, and when I finally admit it to myself and the closest people to me, I find out that I am nothing but a forgotten memory.
Is this really always supposed to happen? Oh well. At least I got two dances. It was kool and he looked really good last night, even smelt good too. Hehe. The picture was cute too. I wonder if Fonna is going to send it to him. Hm..
Isn't it lovely how bittersweet this all is?
-jessica