I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night.
Lately, I've been thinking about the future. Next year I'm going to be so lonely because my best friends are graduating. Jade, Marcus, Stefani, Danielle, KP and many others. Their senior play was April 4 and 5th. They did Roger's and Hammerstien's: Cinderella. It was amazing. Everyone was so great. Jodi was Cinderella and Nate was prince charming. Jade didn't have a huge part but she did so well. She was a horse. How Adorable! Anyway, I just went home and cried after that. Jade is my best friend, I can't begin to understand how hard it's going to be without her around everday so we can act like we're on crack or quote Dane Cook all the time. And it occured to me that next year is my last year. I honestly don't understand how time has gone by so fast. It seems like just yesterday was my first day of my freshman year and I had no friends. Next year will be tremendously hard. I'll have to make the biggest decisions of my life next year like where I'm gonna go to college and what my major is and other random things. I truly don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. I'm still in the process of understanding myself and figuring out who I want to be. Honestly, who has any time to get anything done anymore. Sometimes, when I'm waiting to fall asleep at night, I just sit and wonder, who am I, who do I want others to see me as, what am I gonna do with my life and where am I gonna end up. I'm nothing like my sister. She is smart and knows what she wants. She was even accepted at Elmira College. She has a great boyfriend and she knows what she wants to do with life. I can't be like that, that isn't how I am. I always look to far into things and lie to myself about everything. I can't even keep a boyfriend for more than a couple weeks. I can't pay attention in school. I always think there is something wrong with me. I don't think I will get far in life. I want to go into psychology or music. What I really want to do is become famous and make something of my life and get away from this town. I'll probably be voted less likely to succeed. The last thing I want to do is grow up. I love being able to be silly all the time, not have a job, having no bills or kids to pay attention to, I love being somewhat innocent. I guess that's why I'm afraid of next year and everyone being away. That's what will make next year so hard. I guess I'll need to decide sometime. Maybe a miracle will happen.