Perception
Originally, I started this LJ as a way of motivation towards losing weight: nothing more, nothing less. I've known for a time that the loss of weight does not automatically lead to happiness. It is something, that as individuals, we feel we can control in a world where little is in our control.
Yes, it is still true that I've intentions to lose weight. That is not the only way in which I wish to better myself. The largest reason that I wish to gain control over my weight now is because I don't want it to be an excuse for putting off other greater problems in future. I don't want to make this my lifetime's work.
I looked at myself today and I saw what I'd describe as a dumpy woman. I have my pride, though it can not be seen in the way I dress, or my appearance in general. I am, after all a non-conformist. I do hate the word "dumpy". I also hate the word clumsy; despite any form of grace that I feel, clumsy is a word that I feel upon a daily basis. I don't know if that word will dissolve, when I am smaller. I am willing to give it a go, though.
In past, I have been thin. With thinness, the dogs of society seem to come out of the wood works. Men, in past, have chosen to disrespect me, because of my size. Perhaps that is why I am still so heavy. I have had three or four rape attempts against me. On a lesser scale, a man once placed his hands upon my tank-top, to look further upon my breasts. I am not one to be walked upon.
Sexual harassment is both a fear as well as a desire. Why should I need a confirmation of attractiveness from pigs? I don't.
I want to be better and do better for myself, not for others. If it is physical, it is for myself.
Yes, it is still true that I've intentions to lose weight. That is not the only way in which I wish to better myself. The largest reason that I wish to gain control over my weight now is because I don't want it to be an excuse for putting off other greater problems in future. I don't want to make this my lifetime's work.
I looked at myself today and I saw what I'd describe as a dumpy woman. I have my pride, though it can not be seen in the way I dress, or my appearance in general. I am, after all a non-conformist. I do hate the word "dumpy". I also hate the word clumsy; despite any form of grace that I feel, clumsy is a word that I feel upon a daily basis. I don't know if that word will dissolve, when I am smaller. I am willing to give it a go, though.
In past, I have been thin. With thinness, the dogs of society seem to come out of the wood works. Men, in past, have chosen to disrespect me, because of my size. Perhaps that is why I am still so heavy. I have had three or four rape attempts against me. On a lesser scale, a man once placed his hands upon my tank-top, to look further upon my breasts. I am not one to be walked upon.
Sexual harassment is both a fear as well as a desire. Why should I need a confirmation of attractiveness from pigs? I don't.
I want to be better and do better for myself, not for others. If it is physical, it is for myself.