(no subject)
I think I know where the random lip injuries are coming from. I must be biting my lip in my sleep. I'm known to be a violent sleeper when there's too much on my mind. Of course my mind goes about 8 billion miles a minute. I can't really say I have much of a one-track mind, unless something's important enough.
I feel very guilty, because I discovered something I should be indifferent to (or at least have sympathy pain), but I'm almost happy. I mean the sympathy is there, but after what she said to me I feel like she deserved what happend. I'm even more worried now because I saw her earlier today on my way to my locker and she looked like she wanted to talk to me. I bolted to the side because I can't be her comfort anymore.
After spending most of the week semi-dazed and involuntarily reacting bitterly to the mention of a certain someone, I've figured out what's upset me. When people confide in me too much, it makes me not want to tell them everything. I tell them things to a point. But what I've wanted to tell her since the second I met her, I've now realized I can't. So I guess I am a little bitter. I have this thing about keeping secrets from the person involved. It makes me feel very dishonest, and I'm still making peace with my days of compulsive dishonesty. I told her the whole story about freshman year and how it was my fault my friend overdosed. I mean the WHOLE story. Stuff no one else knows. I've never been able to say it all out loud before. Yet she basically told me she didn't trust me any less and that I have no reason to blame myself.
She made me rethink a lot of the past few years of my life. I spent the great majority of my friendship with Manface trying very hard to make up for the damage I caused to her predecessor. It all blew up in my face. I've worked so hard to be a good person, but it only makes me worse. The fact is I'm not a good person. Nobody is. I've made horrible mistakes, and if everything I do is to make up for my mistakes it doesn't make me any better. It just means I'm making those same mistakes over and over again in my mind. I try to just go with what my metaphorical heart says, but there's too much damage for me to not get too nostalgic there as well. I will always have issues with myself because ultimately I still see myself as the shy 4th grader getting punched in front of the teacher saying I provoked it and had it coming. Ever since she said that to me, I've never stopped constantly hearing it.
I have no friends. "You had it coming."
I have friends now, but they hit me. "You had it coming."
I have one friend, but he says he only hangs out with me because he feels sorry for me. "You had it coming."
I think I'm in love, but she hates me. "You had it coming."
She tried to kill herself. "You had it coming."
She has to move away. "You had it coming."
She's everything to me and she just told me she never considered our friendship real. "You had it coming."
Then last week I found money in the English building and turned it into the office. Most of my friends made fun of me for that telling me nobody'd think to check the office. I should've just kept it. Well why? It wasn't mine. I don't need it anymore than anyone else. And if they don't think to check the office then it's just a sad statement on the world. Then I remembered 4th grade again, when I turned in money to the office and everyone made fun of me. Except that stupid teacher. That was the one time she ever told me I'd done a good thing. Honestly people who make fun of others for not being greedy need to grow up.
Since then, the repetetive response seems to have temporarily shut off. Even when that girl told me what makes me not want to share with her. I don't deserve to feel bad, but that's just life. And it'll blow over soon enough.
At the end of the day, I'm still that little 4th grader sheepishly walking into the office asking what I do about found money. I did that for the right reasons, not to make up for the number of times I've screwed up. If I had to pay for all my problems on earth, everyone else would be suffering with me. My beliefs tell me I'll pay for what's necessary when I leave this earth, which won't happen soon (hopefully).
I'm off to a good start. I'm keeping a secret from someone because it might make things worse for her. Not because I'm trying to make sure I'm suffering.
Honestly, I worry about the world. Come on...what exactly is wrong with not wanting to take someone else's money because they dropped it? Money is about the least important thing in existance. "Oooo I have stuff! I'm special!" No you're not. And anyone who thinks you're special because of that is a waste of human material. (Ironically enough Alisia said that about me years ago. Good times man.)Sorry I'm sick of people and their materialistic attitudes. Makes me really worry about going to Hollywood next year.
I feel very guilty, because I discovered something I should be indifferent to (or at least have sympathy pain), but I'm almost happy. I mean the sympathy is there, but after what she said to me I feel like she deserved what happend. I'm even more worried now because I saw her earlier today on my way to my locker and she looked like she wanted to talk to me. I bolted to the side because I can't be her comfort anymore.
After spending most of the week semi-dazed and involuntarily reacting bitterly to the mention of a certain someone, I've figured out what's upset me. When people confide in me too much, it makes me not want to tell them everything. I tell them things to a point. But what I've wanted to tell her since the second I met her, I've now realized I can't. So I guess I am a little bitter. I have this thing about keeping secrets from the person involved. It makes me feel very dishonest, and I'm still making peace with my days of compulsive dishonesty. I told her the whole story about freshman year and how it was my fault my friend overdosed. I mean the WHOLE story. Stuff no one else knows. I've never been able to say it all out loud before. Yet she basically told me she didn't trust me any less and that I have no reason to blame myself.
She made me rethink a lot of the past few years of my life. I spent the great majority of my friendship with Manface trying very hard to make up for the damage I caused to her predecessor. It all blew up in my face. I've worked so hard to be a good person, but it only makes me worse. The fact is I'm not a good person. Nobody is. I've made horrible mistakes, and if everything I do is to make up for my mistakes it doesn't make me any better. It just means I'm making those same mistakes over and over again in my mind. I try to just go with what my metaphorical heart says, but there's too much damage for me to not get too nostalgic there as well. I will always have issues with myself because ultimately I still see myself as the shy 4th grader getting punched in front of the teacher saying I provoked it and had it coming. Ever since she said that to me, I've never stopped constantly hearing it.
I have no friends. "You had it coming."
I have friends now, but they hit me. "You had it coming."
I have one friend, but he says he only hangs out with me because he feels sorry for me. "You had it coming."
I think I'm in love, but she hates me. "You had it coming."
She tried to kill herself. "You had it coming."
She has to move away. "You had it coming."
She's everything to me and she just told me she never considered our friendship real. "You had it coming."
Then last week I found money in the English building and turned it into the office. Most of my friends made fun of me for that telling me nobody'd think to check the office. I should've just kept it. Well why? It wasn't mine. I don't need it anymore than anyone else. And if they don't think to check the office then it's just a sad statement on the world. Then I remembered 4th grade again, when I turned in money to the office and everyone made fun of me. Except that stupid teacher. That was the one time she ever told me I'd done a good thing. Honestly people who make fun of others for not being greedy need to grow up.
Since then, the repetetive response seems to have temporarily shut off. Even when that girl told me what makes me not want to share with her. I don't deserve to feel bad, but that's just life. And it'll blow over soon enough.
At the end of the day, I'm still that little 4th grader sheepishly walking into the office asking what I do about found money. I did that for the right reasons, not to make up for the number of times I've screwed up. If I had to pay for all my problems on earth, everyone else would be suffering with me. My beliefs tell me I'll pay for what's necessary when I leave this earth, which won't happen soon (hopefully).
I'm off to a good start. I'm keeping a secret from someone because it might make things worse for her. Not because I'm trying to make sure I'm suffering.
Honestly, I worry about the world. Come on...what exactly is wrong with not wanting to take someone else's money because they dropped it? Money is about the least important thing in existance. "Oooo I have stuff! I'm special!" No you're not. And anyone who thinks you're special because of that is a waste of human material. (Ironically enough Alisia said that about me years ago. Good times man.)Sorry I'm sick of people and their materialistic attitudes. Makes me really worry about going to Hollywood next year.