One more week...
I haven't been keeping up lately. There's a lot on my mind.
Apparently someone who said I was her 'best friend in the world' has been lying to me about something. I'm ok with secrets (that is if it's with good reason. Like protecting my feelings or if it's none of my business at all and I don't need to know anyway) but lying is a different story. I'm kind of mad but kind of not. Especially when I know I'm being lied to because I'll want to be protective or I'll want to tell her my feelings on the issue. It's fine I guess. I just thought by now she'd trust me.
And Journalism. Mrs. Schaefer somehow always manages to make my day worse. Today was actually ok because I didn't speak to her at all, but lately it feels worse than ever. I feel like a big failure for getting kicked out of a class I loved so much (I mean the other kids, not the course itself). I mean...I think I was good at it. I wrote well, I was good at layout, most of the girls in the class obviously thought well of me, but...
Schaefer's respect: I did not have.
There's something about that that's completely eating at my heart. Which is sad because she only hates me for deciding to stand up for myself. Erin told me today how she felt the day I cried in class.
"I was about ready to cry with you because of how much she upset you" she said. I was standing in the hall feeling like absolute hell because I had stupidly forgotten to write an article about water polo. I mean...stupid. But it hurt more knowing most of the class was still in the classroom with the related offenses over their heads. I was one of several who made a stupid mistake, yet I was the only one in trouble. See she does that to everyone at some point, but I was ashamed at how quickly I broke down. I'm not good with bullies. I never have been. I can't admit when I'm right because people quickly find my weakness and I don't push through it.
I don't want to leave. I really don't want to leave. I know my friends in the class understand, but I won't see them anymore. I just kind of know that. And I'll be miserable if I stay. I wish there was a way this could've worked so everything would be fine. I have to leave. It's the only way I can be happy really. I mean at least where my classes are concerned.
I'm a little ashamed of myself right now. Kellyn said she saw this girl I kind of like today and she looked happy. That actually bothered me because about a million things went through my head about why she's happy. Kellyn kind of groaned at me when I said "I didn't see her today. That's probably why she was happy." That annoyed me too. When did I get so damned negative? It's that I like this girl but there's a million reasons why it'll never happen. It's typical and it doesn't really get to me so much now. I'm just a little sick of being the one who always has the cute little crushes. I'd like someone to actually think of me that way. Or at least tell me when they do. Someday. In the meantime, I have to sort myself out.
I stood up to Mrs. Schaefer when she insisted on a private meeting. Steven said he had this image of me lunging across the table and attacking her (like the lunchroom scene in mean girls) but of course I didn't do that. I didn't cry though. Rae was so proud of me and gave me a big hug when she came in. I was proud of me too. I went home and wrote a song about it. Then gleefully realized I'd finally written a good song (writer's block for the past few months).
Danny did something totally awesome today too. It's a long story so I won't go into detail, but he helped me out with something that's very important to me.
Now that I think about it, I had a very good day. As much as my moods are swinging all over the place, this was an overall good day. Good deal.
Through season 2 of Buffy. Season 3, here I come!
Apparently someone who said I was her 'best friend in the world' has been lying to me about something. I'm ok with secrets (that is if it's with good reason. Like protecting my feelings or if it's none of my business at all and I don't need to know anyway) but lying is a different story. I'm kind of mad but kind of not. Especially when I know I'm being lied to because I'll want to be protective or I'll want to tell her my feelings on the issue. It's fine I guess. I just thought by now she'd trust me.
And Journalism. Mrs. Schaefer somehow always manages to make my day worse. Today was actually ok because I didn't speak to her at all, but lately it feels worse than ever. I feel like a big failure for getting kicked out of a class I loved so much (I mean the other kids, not the course itself). I mean...I think I was good at it. I wrote well, I was good at layout, most of the girls in the class obviously thought well of me, but...
Schaefer's respect: I did not have.
There's something about that that's completely eating at my heart. Which is sad because she only hates me for deciding to stand up for myself. Erin told me today how she felt the day I cried in class.
"I was about ready to cry with you because of how much she upset you" she said. I was standing in the hall feeling like absolute hell because I had stupidly forgotten to write an article about water polo. I mean...stupid. But it hurt more knowing most of the class was still in the classroom with the related offenses over their heads. I was one of several who made a stupid mistake, yet I was the only one in trouble. See she does that to everyone at some point, but I was ashamed at how quickly I broke down. I'm not good with bullies. I never have been. I can't admit when I'm right because people quickly find my weakness and I don't push through it.
I don't want to leave. I really don't want to leave. I know my friends in the class understand, but I won't see them anymore. I just kind of know that. And I'll be miserable if I stay. I wish there was a way this could've worked so everything would be fine. I have to leave. It's the only way I can be happy really. I mean at least where my classes are concerned.
I'm a little ashamed of myself right now. Kellyn said she saw this girl I kind of like today and she looked happy. That actually bothered me because about a million things went through my head about why she's happy. Kellyn kind of groaned at me when I said "I didn't see her today. That's probably why she was happy." That annoyed me too. When did I get so damned negative? It's that I like this girl but there's a million reasons why it'll never happen. It's typical and it doesn't really get to me so much now. I'm just a little sick of being the one who always has the cute little crushes. I'd like someone to actually think of me that way. Or at least tell me when they do. Someday. In the meantime, I have to sort myself out.
I stood up to Mrs. Schaefer when she insisted on a private meeting. Steven said he had this image of me lunging across the table and attacking her (like the lunchroom scene in mean girls) but of course I didn't do that. I didn't cry though. Rae was so proud of me and gave me a big hug when she came in. I was proud of me too. I went home and wrote a song about it. Then gleefully realized I'd finally written a good song (writer's block for the past few months).
Danny did something totally awesome today too. It's a long story so I won't go into detail, but he helped me out with something that's very important to me.
Now that I think about it, I had a very good day. As much as my moods are swinging all over the place, this was an overall good day. Good deal.
Through season 2 of Buffy. Season 3, here I come!