I just cut my finger getting a piece of gum.
Stupid Dentyne wrappers.
Tonight's the holiday boutique at my church, and my parents can't make it. Ari and Rachel agreed to go with me, so I don't have to go it alone. Never a dull moment with those two. I also invited Brooke, which I'm still not sure was a good idea.
We've been in touch on and off for a few months and she's her old charming self. But despite being willing to spend time with her every so often, I've decided I should overall keep my distance.
I spent today going through my recovered files from my old broken hard drive. Millions of pictures of Kenny. I don't know when I'm going to get used to him not being around. It's not as gaping of a wound as it was the first few months, but every so often I feel a tug at it. I'll hear a little bell and stick my hand out as if a cat's going to rub against my palm. Then I look down and realize it was just a dog toy that was kicked. It still doesn't make sense to me. Kenny wanted to live so badly. His loyalty still touches me to this day. I've decided it's all right to just let it hurt as long as it needs to. He certainly earned my tears. I'm not going to rush my grief because most everyone I know thinks I'm ridiculous to mourn this way.
Fr. John wants me to help him open up dialogue re: homosexuality. Our church is having a lot of issues over it, including churches leaving and people protesting bishops. Fr. John himself seems to be all about tolerance and respecting each other as God's children. We've agreed to go with baby steps, as it's not really safe to let me be the guinea pig (Here's our lesbian. Now let us have dialogue!). I'm going to try to talk to Rachel tonight about how she feels about me sharing my coming out story (which involves her, hence why I have to ask). I can't do the public speaking thing, but I'm happy to do my part. Since Kenny's gone, I'm trying to be more active, and actively optimistic, so as not to think too much about how sad I am without him.
Work's going well aside from the fact that my mentor does not like me and is constantly making passive aggressive comments about how she doesn't think I should be in this industry. She'll never just give me a direct complaint. Seriously, just say "Brienne relax around the dog" or "Brienne you have to be more assertive". All she ever does is roll her eyes than comment about everyone being stuck with me. I'm looking for work at any clinic I can. I can't start school till I'm hired (and as it is the next available program is freaking March!) and I can't work where I am now. Even if they wanted me they aren't busy enough to pay another person. There's been a few promising leads.
I feel very flustered considering how much happened at once. I decide to go for my real dream and change careers, I lose my sweet boy, my sister moves away, my best friend moves away, and suddenly Brooke is contacting me again. Most of those are ultimately good things, but I really wish fate hadn't put them all together like that. That's why I've been meeting with Fr. John lately. I needed an objective listener. I'd like to make some new friends. Not to rid myself of any of the old ones, but I'd really like to find the people who are more or less my people. People I can get close to and feel comfortable. Preferably people who don't do things like make me wait a ridiculous amount of time or suddenly get tired of me. You know, adults.
The good thing is I'm driving now. I'm still really shakey but I'm not so bad at it. My goal is to reach the level everyone else is at, where I don't think twice about it.
One day at a time...
Tonight's the holiday boutique at my church, and my parents can't make it. Ari and Rachel agreed to go with me, so I don't have to go it alone. Never a dull moment with those two. I also invited Brooke, which I'm still not sure was a good idea.
We've been in touch on and off for a few months and she's her old charming self. But despite being willing to spend time with her every so often, I've decided I should overall keep my distance.
I spent today going through my recovered files from my old broken hard drive. Millions of pictures of Kenny. I don't know when I'm going to get used to him not being around. It's not as gaping of a wound as it was the first few months, but every so often I feel a tug at it. I'll hear a little bell and stick my hand out as if a cat's going to rub against my palm. Then I look down and realize it was just a dog toy that was kicked. It still doesn't make sense to me. Kenny wanted to live so badly. His loyalty still touches me to this day. I've decided it's all right to just let it hurt as long as it needs to. He certainly earned my tears. I'm not going to rush my grief because most everyone I know thinks I'm ridiculous to mourn this way.
Fr. John wants me to help him open up dialogue re: homosexuality. Our church is having a lot of issues over it, including churches leaving and people protesting bishops. Fr. John himself seems to be all about tolerance and respecting each other as God's children. We've agreed to go with baby steps, as it's not really safe to let me be the guinea pig (Here's our lesbian. Now let us have dialogue!). I'm going to try to talk to Rachel tonight about how she feels about me sharing my coming out story (which involves her, hence why I have to ask). I can't do the public speaking thing, but I'm happy to do my part. Since Kenny's gone, I'm trying to be more active, and actively optimistic, so as not to think too much about how sad I am without him.
Work's going well aside from the fact that my mentor does not like me and is constantly making passive aggressive comments about how she doesn't think I should be in this industry. She'll never just give me a direct complaint. Seriously, just say "Brienne relax around the dog" or "Brienne you have to be more assertive". All she ever does is roll her eyes than comment about everyone being stuck with me. I'm looking for work at any clinic I can. I can't start school till I'm hired (and as it is the next available program is freaking March!) and I can't work where I am now. Even if they wanted me they aren't busy enough to pay another person. There's been a few promising leads.
I feel very flustered considering how much happened at once. I decide to go for my real dream and change careers, I lose my sweet boy, my sister moves away, my best friend moves away, and suddenly Brooke is contacting me again. Most of those are ultimately good things, but I really wish fate hadn't put them all together like that. That's why I've been meeting with Fr. John lately. I needed an objective listener. I'd like to make some new friends. Not to rid myself of any of the old ones, but I'd really like to find the people who are more or less my people. People I can get close to and feel comfortable. Preferably people who don't do things like make me wait a ridiculous amount of time or suddenly get tired of me. You know, adults.
The good thing is I'm driving now. I'm still really shakey but I'm not so bad at it. My goal is to reach the level everyone else is at, where I don't think twice about it.
One day at a time...