As the brook's quiet waters...
I really seriously thought I'd be over it by now. I don't know why, but I was so sure.
But as usual I was wrong. I've been playing over her voicemail messages over and over again. Even the rant about how selfish I am, despite the fact that I cry everytime I hear it.
I don't get myself. She consistantly made me miserable almost every chance she got. But at the same time I keep remembering that night I was locked out and she refused to let me hang up until I'd stopped crying and calmed down. She was paying more attention to my breathing than I was. She kept telling me it'd be all right and trying to get me to quiet down anytime I started getting upset again. It was like the day in the car where I was just so embarassed that I'd started crying and she locked me in so she could calm me down.
Some job she did. I almost broke every bone in my hand thanks to her. I even read this book about a love and infatuation between two young girls that ruined both their lives and left destruction throughout their path. Occassionally the narrating character would say something that hit me as familiar. I know I don't want that. I don't want that kind of life. I don't want to be loved simply for what I can do for a person.
And she called ME selfish. She's the one who refused to see me on the one chance in months she knew she had. And she refused because of HIM. It's really aggrivating to know someone you never liked is the one who came out of nowhere and ruined everything you'd built up your hopes for. Something you wanted so desperately and had a chance at.
And yet again to be told I'm not important enough. How do I find these people?
Most of my friends are great friends. Then I let myself develop feelings for a person only to find out I've found yet another woman from hell.
The messages are killing. "You know I'd do anything for you" she says. Then she works really hard to be busy the weekend I'm home. So I finally told her it's done. I don't think she's read the message yet. She hasn't been online and I think she's gone somewhere. I don't know. How could I not being at school with her anymore. I'm actually glad I never let her kiss me like she kept offering. In hindsight I'd probably have regretted it. If she doesn't care enough about me to spend time with me or admit that she's screwed up immensely, then I guess she didn't deserve anything she asked for.
I'm doing fine without her. It's just that there's this nagging hurt...
"I know I should be a solo success but I long to have no will other than yours."
-Mona. My Summer of Love
"...there were only four topics for song lyrics. One: I love you. Two: I don't love you. Three: You're going away. Four: You're coming back. My song must always be the first"
-Mona
Last one.
" I looked up at her and because of the strong sun, I had to shield my eyes with my hand. 'It was a very clever trick. Perfectly executed. You're bright, Tam. In fact, you are so bright you are like a great sun,' I said, and she giggled nervously. 'And I'm just a pale, weak moon. I just reflect the light you give.' She didn't say anything. I stood up and both of us paced around for a few moments. I was not frightened of her. 'Maybe I can only be noticed when you're not around. Like the moon.' She tried to touch me and I jerked away. I wanted to be near the walls where it smelt most foul.
'I notice you,' she said. 'Don't shout at me.'
'In all relationships perhaps there's a shiner and a reflector, eh? A sun and a moon. Two suns and it just won't work, will it eh?' "
-Mona; My Summer of Love
'Yes, I do love her.'
But as usual I was wrong. I've been playing over her voicemail messages over and over again. Even the rant about how selfish I am, despite the fact that I cry everytime I hear it.
I don't get myself. She consistantly made me miserable almost every chance she got. But at the same time I keep remembering that night I was locked out and she refused to let me hang up until I'd stopped crying and calmed down. She was paying more attention to my breathing than I was. She kept telling me it'd be all right and trying to get me to quiet down anytime I started getting upset again. It was like the day in the car where I was just so embarassed that I'd started crying and she locked me in so she could calm me down.
Some job she did. I almost broke every bone in my hand thanks to her. I even read this book about a love and infatuation between two young girls that ruined both their lives and left destruction throughout their path. Occassionally the narrating character would say something that hit me as familiar. I know I don't want that. I don't want that kind of life. I don't want to be loved simply for what I can do for a person.
And she called ME selfish. She's the one who refused to see me on the one chance in months she knew she had. And she refused because of HIM. It's really aggrivating to know someone you never liked is the one who came out of nowhere and ruined everything you'd built up your hopes for. Something you wanted so desperately and had a chance at.
And yet again to be told I'm not important enough. How do I find these people?
Most of my friends are great friends. Then I let myself develop feelings for a person only to find out I've found yet another woman from hell.
The messages are killing. "You know I'd do anything for you" she says. Then she works really hard to be busy the weekend I'm home. So I finally told her it's done. I don't think she's read the message yet. She hasn't been online and I think she's gone somewhere. I don't know. How could I not being at school with her anymore. I'm actually glad I never let her kiss me like she kept offering. In hindsight I'd probably have regretted it. If she doesn't care enough about me to spend time with me or admit that she's screwed up immensely, then I guess she didn't deserve anything she asked for.
I'm doing fine without her. It's just that there's this nagging hurt...
"I know I should be a solo success but I long to have no will other than yours."
-Mona. My Summer of Love
"...there were only four topics for song lyrics. One: I love you. Two: I don't love you. Three: You're going away. Four: You're coming back. My song must always be the first"
-Mona
Last one.
" I looked up at her and because of the strong sun, I had to shield my eyes with my hand. 'It was a very clever trick. Perfectly executed. You're bright, Tam. In fact, you are so bright you are like a great sun,' I said, and she giggled nervously. 'And I'm just a pale, weak moon. I just reflect the light you give.' She didn't say anything. I stood up and both of us paced around for a few moments. I was not frightened of her. 'Maybe I can only be noticed when you're not around. Like the moon.' She tried to touch me and I jerked away. I wanted to be near the walls where it smelt most foul.
'I notice you,' she said. 'Don't shout at me.'
'In all relationships perhaps there's a shiner and a reflector, eh? A sun and a moon. Two suns and it just won't work, will it eh?' "
-Mona; My Summer of Love
'Yes, I do love her.'