(no subject)
Hollywood's fine. I'm still getting used to it. Class is interesting but the equipment kind of scares me. I'm always worried something's going to blow up. It seriously can. Patch the cords wrong and kaboom. Last week there was a fire (air conditioning, nothing blew) and we had to stand across the street as the fireman put it out.
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself. It's just strange. I was used to waking up with the feeling that I was going to go someplace where everyone I knew really loved me. And...well everyone likes me. But I'm replaceable. Everyone's in their 20s and wants to go drinking and clubbing. Places I can't and don't really want to go to. Anything I WOULD like is expensive.
Plus I don't think my roommate really likes me. I kind of feel like she goes out of her way to not be here when I am (and since I don't go out much, that's a lot). It's hard to say. I'm worried about my conversations with everyone. I don't feel like I'm at their level. On the one hand I still feel very high school. I still don't mind when my friends call late at night over trivial things. I also understand that petty arguments are going to keep happening. I mean there is a level of immaturity I won't put up with anymore, but if someone's having relationship problems that are more of a high school issue it won't bother me. On the other hand, why the fuck am I the only person who doesn't want to drink and party? It's so much more fun to just go to a mall and walk around or hang out around the house/apartment and watch movies we've all seen a million times before so we can talk over them.
Those were always the best nights. Sitting around the house of whomever. Talking about everything and nothing. As it got later and there were less people there, we'd get into deeper conversations. Even biblical and political discussions. I love those kind of conversations. I love knowing I'm that close with a person that we can have polar opposite opinions but not be arguing.
That's another thing I'm having trouble understanding. I pretty much know which of my friends aren't likely to hit a drunken party phase. There's enough of them that makes me wonder how the entire population around me is currently in that phase. Oh well. I don't have to stay here forever. There's bound to be somewhere better for me.
I love the irony. When I was deciding to go to this school early in my senior year, there was a nagging feeling holding me back. This big nagging feeling that I was leaving my heart behind. Of course at the time, that was with Denise. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. That also kept me from surrounding any of my plans around San Fransisco cuz she loves it there so much. Problem being I love it too. I loved it before I loved or knew her. So Brooke says today she's thinking about school in San Fransisco in a few years. I don't know what that means for me just yet. I technically have no reason to really be bothered by where she ends up. I love Hollywood. I really do. But I've yet to realize my dreams in terms of what location I ultimately go to.
I don't know why I let her get to me. She's going to drive me nuts. I won't repeat any of our private conversations, but she's back at confusing me again. This morning on the phone I ended up telling her why my mom doesn't trust her.
"You see, she doesn't like that you make all these comments about you and me while you have a boyfriend. So I told her you were just joking around, and she said 'Well that's kind of my point. Do you really want to be with someone who's just joking around?'" Brooke got really quiet and changed the subject to the pancakes she was making.
That kind of confirmed my fears about her. Not that I'm surprised. Well fuck. I guess I made the right decision to not try to date this year. I mean I know it makes no difference since I've never dated and all. But I'm already having trouble not letting girls distract me. I guess it just bothers me to feel like the only person in the world who couldn't get a decent person to have genuine feelings for them.
Oh well. Next weekend I'll probably go home. At least I'm supposed to. It was all going as planned except Instructor Asshole didn't show up for class today so I might have a make up next weekend. Meaning I could miss two parties I've been invited to. I was also invited to something else, but I think she was joking. I so badly want to see everyone again. It's barely been a month but it feels like I've been gone for an eternity.
Wow. It's either mundane or sad updates this time. I better say something happy. Chevy got the ring I've wanted while she was in Scottland (and Irish ring in Scottland. Is that normal?) I should get it soon. Hopefully it fits ok.
I don't know how to wear it though. First impulse is to wear it to say that my heart has yet to be won. I'm kind of technically taken though. I know it's really complicated but...well you all know what I mean right?
Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself. It's just strange. I was used to waking up with the feeling that I was going to go someplace where everyone I knew really loved me. And...well everyone likes me. But I'm replaceable. Everyone's in their 20s and wants to go drinking and clubbing. Places I can't and don't really want to go to. Anything I WOULD like is expensive.
Plus I don't think my roommate really likes me. I kind of feel like she goes out of her way to not be here when I am (and since I don't go out much, that's a lot). It's hard to say. I'm worried about my conversations with everyone. I don't feel like I'm at their level. On the one hand I still feel very high school. I still don't mind when my friends call late at night over trivial things. I also understand that petty arguments are going to keep happening. I mean there is a level of immaturity I won't put up with anymore, but if someone's having relationship problems that are more of a high school issue it won't bother me. On the other hand, why the fuck am I the only person who doesn't want to drink and party? It's so much more fun to just go to a mall and walk around or hang out around the house/apartment and watch movies we've all seen a million times before so we can talk over them.
Those were always the best nights. Sitting around the house of whomever. Talking about everything and nothing. As it got later and there were less people there, we'd get into deeper conversations. Even biblical and political discussions. I love those kind of conversations. I love knowing I'm that close with a person that we can have polar opposite opinions but not be arguing.
That's another thing I'm having trouble understanding. I pretty much know which of my friends aren't likely to hit a drunken party phase. There's enough of them that makes me wonder how the entire population around me is currently in that phase. Oh well. I don't have to stay here forever. There's bound to be somewhere better for me.
I love the irony. When I was deciding to go to this school early in my senior year, there was a nagging feeling holding me back. This big nagging feeling that I was leaving my heart behind. Of course at the time, that was with Denise. I wanted to be as far away from her as possible. That also kept me from surrounding any of my plans around San Fransisco cuz she loves it there so much. Problem being I love it too. I loved it before I loved or knew her. So Brooke says today she's thinking about school in San Fransisco in a few years. I don't know what that means for me just yet. I technically have no reason to really be bothered by where she ends up. I love Hollywood. I really do. But I've yet to realize my dreams in terms of what location I ultimately go to.
I don't know why I let her get to me. She's going to drive me nuts. I won't repeat any of our private conversations, but she's back at confusing me again. This morning on the phone I ended up telling her why my mom doesn't trust her.
"You see, she doesn't like that you make all these comments about you and me while you have a boyfriend. So I told her you were just joking around, and she said 'Well that's kind of my point. Do you really want to be with someone who's just joking around?'" Brooke got really quiet and changed the subject to the pancakes she was making.
That kind of confirmed my fears about her. Not that I'm surprised. Well fuck. I guess I made the right decision to not try to date this year. I mean I know it makes no difference since I've never dated and all. But I'm already having trouble not letting girls distract me. I guess it just bothers me to feel like the only person in the world who couldn't get a decent person to have genuine feelings for them.
Oh well. Next weekend I'll probably go home. At least I'm supposed to. It was all going as planned except Instructor Asshole didn't show up for class today so I might have a make up next weekend. Meaning I could miss two parties I've been invited to. I was also invited to something else, but I think she was joking. I so badly want to see everyone again. It's barely been a month but it feels like I've been gone for an eternity.
Wow. It's either mundane or sad updates this time. I better say something happy. Chevy got the ring I've wanted while she was in Scottland (and Irish ring in Scottland. Is that normal?) I should get it soon. Hopefully it fits ok.
I don't know how to wear it though. First impulse is to wear it to say that my heart has yet to be won. I'm kind of technically taken though. I know it's really complicated but...well you all know what I mean right?