I'm supposed to be doing homework
But instead I'm going to rant in hopes that I'll be less concerned. Actually this'll make me feel worse than I already do.
I do not want to do what I'm about to do. I'm walking into a worse kind of hurt than I've ever walked into before. I have no clue why everyone's so ok with the idea of me telling a girl who's just about got a boyfriend that I have feelings for her. What's worse is I think they're all right. The guy's a good guy, but the whole situation pisses me off.
The bastard gets to see her everyday. I'm lucky if I see her once a God damn week. That's an incredibly unfair advantage. Especially when I keep trying to spend time with her and talk to her outside of the stupid internet but something always 'comes up' when it comes to her. I know she's not being honest with me. I know it. And I'm infuriated about it. She goes on and on about how much she hates Denise for how she treated me, but what does she call our friendship? It's nothing. Absolutely bloody nothing. But she was offended when I said we don't have much in common. What the hell.
See this is me reminding myself of what's wrong with this because I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. Why does it have to feel so necessary to say something? It's that I promised myself. It's because the second I met her earlier this year, and anyone who saw the post can verify, I knew she was something amazing. For the first time in my life I was mocking my own opinions against love at first sight. No, I didn't love her then. I still don't love her now. Let's face it, I don't know her. I know what she tells me. She never even tells me when she's dating anyone. Well why not? I'm her friend. I should know. But I've never really felt like her friend.
Alisia and Denise were my closest friends (at their respective times). They'd seen, and continue to see, the worst of me. I could be stupid around them. I could say everything wrong, trip over nothing, run into the wall, burst into uncontrollable tears, and it was fine. I never had to impress them. I always wanted to impress Alisia, and impressing Denise is a lost cause, but look at me now. I have to be perfect, and I can't. I have this incredible need to be completely honest with her, and I fricken am! She knows stuff about me some of you don't even know. She even makes me forget there was ever an Alisia or Denise sometimes. Or at least the parts that hurt. (Everything still kind of hurts about losing my friendship with Denise. We're working through being civil now. It's actually going well.) But besides that, I have a need to be perfect. I'm trying to be myself but be better at being myself at the same time.
See I've worked my ass off, she still didn't notice me. She noticed my friend's ex boyfriend, who's a very good guy. So I hate how much I don't like him right now. (Yes, I'm jealous. Shut the hell up). But, it's all her now. It's her or no one for me. At least for the time being. I can't speak for a few months from now, maybe even a few weeks, but since I met her; it's only and always been her. It's starting to get to me more than ever than I've barely been in the back of her mind.
Next time I see her, she finds out. Hopefully, she'll try to see me tomorrow, because I asked her. Let's all hope I don't start crying.
I do not want to do what I'm about to do. I'm walking into a worse kind of hurt than I've ever walked into before. I have no clue why everyone's so ok with the idea of me telling a girl who's just about got a boyfriend that I have feelings for her. What's worse is I think they're all right. The guy's a good guy, but the whole situation pisses me off.
The bastard gets to see her everyday. I'm lucky if I see her once a God damn week. That's an incredibly unfair advantage. Especially when I keep trying to spend time with her and talk to her outside of the stupid internet but something always 'comes up' when it comes to her. I know she's not being honest with me. I know it. And I'm infuriated about it. She goes on and on about how much she hates Denise for how she treated me, but what does she call our friendship? It's nothing. Absolutely bloody nothing. But she was offended when I said we don't have much in common. What the hell.
See this is me reminding myself of what's wrong with this because I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. Why does it have to feel so necessary to say something? It's that I promised myself. It's because the second I met her earlier this year, and anyone who saw the post can verify, I knew she was something amazing. For the first time in my life I was mocking my own opinions against love at first sight. No, I didn't love her then. I still don't love her now. Let's face it, I don't know her. I know what she tells me. She never even tells me when she's dating anyone. Well why not? I'm her friend. I should know. But I've never really felt like her friend.
Alisia and Denise were my closest friends (at their respective times). They'd seen, and continue to see, the worst of me. I could be stupid around them. I could say everything wrong, trip over nothing, run into the wall, burst into uncontrollable tears, and it was fine. I never had to impress them. I always wanted to impress Alisia, and impressing Denise is a lost cause, but look at me now. I have to be perfect, and I can't. I have this incredible need to be completely honest with her, and I fricken am! She knows stuff about me some of you don't even know. She even makes me forget there was ever an Alisia or Denise sometimes. Or at least the parts that hurt. (Everything still kind of hurts about losing my friendship with Denise. We're working through being civil now. It's actually going well.) But besides that, I have a need to be perfect. I'm trying to be myself but be better at being myself at the same time.
See I've worked my ass off, she still didn't notice me. She noticed my friend's ex boyfriend, who's a very good guy. So I hate how much I don't like him right now. (Yes, I'm jealous. Shut the hell up). But, it's all her now. It's her or no one for me. At least for the time being. I can't speak for a few months from now, maybe even a few weeks, but since I met her; it's only and always been her. It's starting to get to me more than ever than I've barely been in the back of her mind.
Next time I see her, she finds out. Hopefully, she'll try to see me tomorrow, because I asked her. Let's all hope I don't start crying.