"It JUST Happens"
So maybe this is how it really feels like. Seriously and nonchalantly being enamored to someone without the very hint of being so at the very beginning. Maybe this is what people meant when they say “it just happens”.
It’ll only happen to anyone with a certain person, and mine already did.
I believe, with my whole life staked on it, that I have found the most amazing guy I have ever met.
Amazing, I say, is rather an understatement to how I find him to be. In all truth, I think I have called him ‘amazing’ for lack of a better term… that I don’t think there is such a word that would sum up everything that I see in him. There’s just this certain attraction towards him that isn’t recognizable-something that I can’t seem to put the right term on; ‘cept for this in which how most people would most likely consider as falling in love.
Falling in love in that case would mean being first and foremost, physically attracted to a person, then wanting to be with this person “forever”, or wanting to ALWAYS talk to him or do all mushy things. That case is already out of the question for the most obvious reason that for all the conditions stated above, I feel otherwise. The reason why I am (still) trying to deny the fact that maybe I am falling in love [though there are times I think there’s really no point in doing so] is because there are instances where I could hardly stand him, I don’t really listen to what he was saying, I don’t really care about most of his concerns, and I don’t want to call him ‘mine’ (like calling some crush or heartthrob mine). Such feelings for him, I don’t have. But what I have… is something else. Something that I believe is far different from what most people could consider the ‘common attraction’.
Maybe what made me realize such uncommon attraction is the term what most people call a “soul mate”. Just recently, I received an SMS talking about randomly picking a letter from LOVE MATCH. It said that every letter corresponds to a certain hint so as to know who your soul mate is. So without having anything else to do, I replied just for the heck of it. Then I received another message indicating what my letter of choice meant and I suddenly became conscious of him… in a different light.
For the past so-so years of my being aware of the statement ‘attraction to the opposite sex’, this may have been the only instance when I don’t falter whenever I see him. This may also be the first time that I don’t look forward into seeing him. There are no such feelings towards him that I myself couldn’t even call anything about him an attraction… until recently have I (maybe finally) realized that it is only with him that I feel safe… only with him that I could be that ‘someone’ I refuse to be in fear of rejection. I suddenly became conscious that maybe, just maybe, he’s the only one who’ll know the real me without even recognizing it.
I experience almost everything with him. With every experience, I see a different him. And every different him attracts me more than ever, amazes me in a zillion ways that my mind had to run gazillion miles away in order to get away from those thoughts. I fear that there might come a time that such ‘amazements’ and discoveries will lead to a life-changing realization that I might or might not regret later on. It’s like being given more than you can chew… no, you don’t bite it; it was simply being fed to you. What’s more, these realizations are not as simple as it may seem… it sometimes even changes my whole viewpoint of a person or situation. Just like what just happened yesterday that I realized I want to rest my head on his shoulder… that for the very first time, I could really depend on someone. What I am risking depending is myself with no pretensions, all guards down. What gives? I felt like crying when he once asked me if I was okay… coz he was the only one who even noticed that I was not-another ‘amazing’ thing, to say the least.
A friend told me once that I and another friend (we’re the three stooges) bring out the worst in her (in reference to thinking, doing, and saying crazy and weird stuff). In my case, he brings out something I didn’t know was in me that drives me nuts just thinking how he did it and what am I going to do now that I know I have it.
This feeling of not knowing what to do is just like staring at a blank piece of paper waiting to be scribbled about with ideas for the next ‘big idea’. It scares the hell out of me because I don’t know where to start. And what’s scarier is the fact that when I did try to start, I ended up too much what-ifs and too few aha’s. But I thought, if it scares me this much… then yeah, maybe I have already fallen in love with him.
Cliché? In some ways, the lines I’ve said really do sound cliché; though so as they say that the reason why it’s called a cliché is because it’s true-very true in fact.
So why am I writing this kind of thing even though I know I hate writing about clichés? Maybe because I do not want to pursue this lingering thought in my dummy head for the simple reason that I don’t think I should. Or maybe because I simply want to put into words unruly thoughts I’m having that might (eventually) ruin my whole train of thought about him. In short, I am doing this to jinx the whole thing before it’s too late-before I fall too hard.
Although I want to stop, I don’t really think I’ll be able to. At least it won’t be THAT easy. I am, unfortunately, faced with the dilemma harder than finding the fifth derivative of the square root of {[cotx(sin3x-y)/45x-78]/ fifth root of (1/[|x|]) then graphing it. *if you know the answer please tell me and I’ll have you assassinated*. The dilemma, you ask?
I fall in love with him everyday.