for lastvoyages: Fourth Hex [written]
[For some reason Wanda is using writing today instead of video, and is keying in somewhat slowly.]
Hi everyone.
I'm on a hunt for awesome things. Facts, rants, media presentations, anything cool that has been said or recorded on the Barge that you think is worth sharing with others. If you liked it, and the person who created it doesn't mind, I'd like to do a little linkfest. The Barge can be a very grim place, but there are a lot of brilliant, insightful, and even funny people running around on here and that stuff can get missed while we're all busy being...grim. Why not call a little attention to the awesome? Because I need a distraction really really badly right now.
[Private: The very first Dear Tony letter]
So...you know how when I first got here I was all happy and relieved and stuff just to be alive? It's...fading. That's not the Barge's fault. Nobody's done anything bad on here. Even the badasses have been tolerant of me. I've given them their propers and...well...everyone pretty much seems okay with me. No problems there.
See the thing is, I hope I never stop being at least a little relieved and grateful to be here, but right now I'm being worn out and eaten up by...all the other stuff. Dying is ugly. It's...it's like part of me never stopped feeling that same helpless fear. I've been trying really hard to hang with people and be cheerful because being alone makes it worse, and I don't want these kind of feelings to win. If I panic, ever, I could hurt someone, even with the power dampers. Lately, though, I keep having nightmare after nightmare of how I died.
The psych books I picked up talk about post traumatic stress, and how nightmares are a symptom, like some kind of mental expression and venting of a wound the waking mind can't deal with. Okay. I can handle that. I mean, I don't have a choice, right? But...
...but I'm not handling it very well. See, right now I'm not using video for that reason. My room's been going to hell, which is how I know someting's up. That and...well...I crave booze instead of just kind of being happy when it's around like a normal person. I saved a piece of Martha's booze cake just so I could get to sleep last night. I've been eating on it a couple nights in a row, because otherwise I just lie there.
This is not normal. You've already proven you're willing to have my back, and my guess is from reading that I'm supposed to go to you with this stuff when I'm in over my head. I...I think I am, Tony. I think I can pull out of it, but I'm not sure how. Can we talk? I mean, I'm kind of better in text but maybe we should do some of both.
Wanda