I feel a life story coming on.

[scarlet__muse]

Ever since I was little I was a dreamer. I felt like even though I wasn't the popular one or the pretty one, that I would make it out there in the world, and not have to worry about money or love or anything like that. With every passing year I grew less fond of myself, and I've always constantly put my own self down for disappointing things I did and still do in my life. I've never been able to cope with stress, and it's usually the little things that get to me. I was the girl who always got picked at...asked if I was a boy, constantly being told I'm not good enough, blah blah blah. Now that I look at it though, that is what has made me so strong, yet frail at the same time. I seem to always be this but that...some form of an oxymoron. I don't want to be that though. I guess it's so hard to just live life without any worries when all you want is balance and perfection. That doesn't happen. It never will. I always push the people I love the most away because I just want to tell them everything that is inside of my head, but it usually just annoys them because half of the time it's pointless things to them...but to me it's everything. I'm tired of looking at myself and seeing my faults. It makes me feel like I'm one big complaint. Now with that said, I do accept who I am and what I've become, and I'm very happy with how much I've grown, but I'm still so far away from my ultimate goal. I don't want to upset or disappoint Shannon first off. I feel like I do something of that nature every day to her and it tears me apart. Yes, I do things for her, and yes I love her more than I could ever love anyone else in this world, but do I really act like that and show that to her? I don't think I do all of the time. Not trying to make excuses but I feel like if someone doesn't show me love or tell me that, I feel like they just don't. I need the reinforcement because I've been hurt with almost every friendship or relationship I've been in. I shouldn't punish someone because they don't think the way I do. It's not fair to them. Blame, complain, whine, excuses. Those are the things I must strive to overcome. God has put me on this earth for a reason, and I'm just now figuring that out. He put Shannon and I together as best friends for me to support her and to be there for her and grow with her, and for her to help me and guide me till we ultimately are walking together. I'm still two steps behind, but I want to catch up. I really want to go on a mission trip over the summer. I think that would just be so powerful to really be able to open up to the Lord and help others in their time of need. I feel like I am finally here on earth with a purpose, I'm a beautiful person with a great soul and I just need to let that beauty out.

I'm sorry for the major rant/vent, but for the first time in a while, I feel like I've got a plan.