I can't take my mind off of you...
So...instead of making a real post I have decided to post an excerpt from Jason Mraz's online journal. I know that I do this all the time but this time it is really good at describing my feelings. Especially at this moment of my life. So here it is on this very tiring valentines day.
I become sympathetic for my old friend Jenny Keene, a writer I still look up to,
and bless and love her the best I can without contact, being as time apart has
created in her a resentment and a misunderstanding, confusing her past with her
present and has put faces on her pains rather than allowing herself to simply
be, create and grow, and not deny herself anything. I hug her in my thoughts as
I do all the people who’ve turned on me over the years, for reasons often
unexplained and unexplored on my part. It makes it difficult to feel the same on
your local level. I’m reminded that it’s rarely me who changes, but my friends,
and love must go on in directions where it’s needed and where it gives me the
greatest joy when I share it. Holy shit I’m spilling in every direction with new
ideas of goodness rather than sitting in darkness on a damp and dingy
double-decker bus. I’m contradicting myself and contorting every possible
thought in a feel good only sort of way. The Runes are working. I need to slow
down and meditate on the right answers rather than spin with delight and feel so
fucking smart. I should wear a shirt that openly admits that I’m an idiot and
unaware of the issues, its then I could finally fit in with everyone else and be
perfect.
By the time I hop off the bus, and I do just that, I hop. I am
smiling so hard that I am welling with tears. It is a great joy to be near the
sea today, so cold, and so grey. I am but steps from my hotel where I can’t wait
to write down these thoughts and get on with my adventure. I knew this would
happen. I was telling a friend on the phone last night. I thought it was culture
shock, my being non-present, and that any day now I would snap out of it and
settle into my new surroundings and have the time of my life. And here we are.
I realize life will start from scratch tomorrow. But with the work I do
today, I should be prepared to do it all over again.
Today it was a
Rune. Tomorrow it may be Paramahansa Yogananda of the Self Realization
Fellowship. The day after that it’s a game of Scrabble or a Jump Rope. Whatever
the source, I’ll take what I can get and read from it a means to be in love.
Happy Valentine’s Day
P.S. I'm back at Hope.
I become sympathetic for my old friend Jenny Keene, a writer I still look up to,
and bless and love her the best I can without contact, being as time apart has
created in her a resentment and a misunderstanding, confusing her past with her
present and has put faces on her pains rather than allowing herself to simply
be, create and grow, and not deny herself anything. I hug her in my thoughts as
I do all the people who’ve turned on me over the years, for reasons often
unexplained and unexplored on my part. It makes it difficult to feel the same on
your local level. I’m reminded that it’s rarely me who changes, but my friends,
and love must go on in directions where it’s needed and where it gives me the
greatest joy when I share it. Holy shit I’m spilling in every direction with new
ideas of goodness rather than sitting in darkness on a damp and dingy
double-decker bus. I’m contradicting myself and contorting every possible
thought in a feel good only sort of way. The Runes are working. I need to slow
down and meditate on the right answers rather than spin with delight and feel so
fucking smart. I should wear a shirt that openly admits that I’m an idiot and
unaware of the issues, its then I could finally fit in with everyone else and be
perfect.
By the time I hop off the bus, and I do just that, I hop. I am
smiling so hard that I am welling with tears. It is a great joy to be near the
sea today, so cold, and so grey. I am but steps from my hotel where I can’t wait
to write down these thoughts and get on with my adventure. I knew this would
happen. I was telling a friend on the phone last night. I thought it was culture
shock, my being non-present, and that any day now I would snap out of it and
settle into my new surroundings and have the time of my life. And here we are.
I realize life will start from scratch tomorrow. But with the work I do
today, I should be prepared to do it all over again.
Today it was a
Rune. Tomorrow it may be Paramahansa Yogananda of the Self Realization
Fellowship. The day after that it’s a game of Scrabble or a Jump Rope. Whatever
the source, I’ll take what I can get and read from it a means to be in love.
Happy Valentine’s Day
P.S. I'm back at Hope.