cup of coffee #85 million
i'm afraid i've lost the gift of writing. words, poetry, stories, especially music. which is really no good, because i rent a space to play my songs and instruments @ 150 bucks a month and all i've done in the past few weeks is move a giant organ into it. i'm just drawing huge blanks. i get nervous when a notebook and a pencil are handed to me. i know i haven't lost the ability. but i've certainly lost the inspiration. this is especially upsetting because it means my life is BORING. i was never supposed to let this happen! ack! i think it's my job, it takes up so much of my time and brain. my work is good but repetitive. it's too comfortable, i could really work here for a super-long time and be financially stable but i fear my mind would atrophy because all i do is mathematics...everyone is a number, really. everything is a goal. there is no room for expression. and while there is a certain factor of status and control and i am pretty much left alone to do things when and how i want to, i remember now that that's really not what i ever wanted in a job. well, maybe the being left alone thing. but i am happy, and i'll continue to keep a positive attitude because i really think this has been a good opportunity for me to gain experience and yeah, rule out office work as an option for the future. and mostly everyone i work with is pretty great, and i can smoke as many cigarettes as i want. but i also think that staring at the computer for eight hours a day is causing me to have mild seizures...