15: The real difference between angels and demons is their fashion sense
Hello, Vatheon. You know, when I came here, I didn't expect that there would be tons of worlds out there which had never heard of religon or certain celestial beings. And those who have heard of them completely have the wrong idea. I mean, really, horns on demons? Angels playing harps? That's quite ridiculous, if you ask me.
So, let me offer you a quick summary of what you are supposed to know about angels and demons. Technically, I know some of you will be like "Oh, but Crowley, my angels are actually talking trees in my world", but honestly, I don't care. These are what angels and demons where I come from, and I want to clear some things up. "Angels and Demons 101", if you will.
So, let's start with angels.
[Crowley holds up a book to the SFC, showing a picture of a stained glass window.]
To most people, angels are the paragons of virtue. They have beautiful bird-like wings and are often portrayed as female. Also, they often play instruments, like the harp and the trumpet, and are very kind and benevolent towards human beings. Basically, they're like the messengers of His word, and will do anything to make sure that every evil-doer is punished for their sins.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. All of it, wrong.
While it is true that angels help Him out with His deeds, they really only care about humanity because it's their job. I mean, sometimes an angel can be downright nasty if His orders don't go to plan. Ineffablilty and all that. Really, they can be kind and benevolent, but you have to remember that back in the Garden of Eden, the angel guarding the gate was holding a flaming sword. [Which he later gave away to Adam and Eve BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THAT REALLY] And speaking about holding things, angels don't play instruments. They just don't. It's like thinking a cantaloupe can hang-glide- it's never going to happen. Also, angels don't have gender, and they really do a very bad job at grooming their wings. All in all, angels aren't exactly the precious creatures humans think them to be.
Now, let's talk about demons.
[Crowley flips a page and shows an old illustration from his book.]
This is the most common perception of a demon. If angels are the messengers of truth to people, demons are the exact opposite. While angels spread good, demons spread evil. It is their job to ensure that every human souls is tainted and corrupted. They're ugly creatures, and often have horns or goat legs or a horned tail or even all three. They can take many forms, and are extremely clever in thinking up ways to hurt humans and play with their lives. They have nothing in common with their angelic counterparts. Also, they are often portrayed as holding pitchforks, probably to torment sinners with.
I don't have to tell you again how unbelievably wrong that explanation was, do I?
While it is true that demons spread evil, it isn't true that they have nothing in common with angels. For one, demons have bird-like wings, too. And they're better groomed, to boot. Also, demons can look a lot like you and me- they don't have horns or goat legs or any of those ridiculous stuff. Some of them are downright handsome. And no, they don't hold pitchforks. By the way, most demons aren't really that clever. They have to rely a lot on what their superiors say, and if they want to do something on their own they have to wait for centuries before their offer is processed. And you people thought you came up with bureaucracy. There are quite a few exceptions to this, but for the most part demons are a bit backwards when it comes up with thinking of new ways to taint people's souls.
[Crowley snaps the book shut and grins.] Hope that cleared things up a bit. Any questions?