(no subject)
i'm so tired of wanting to grow up. i long for it.
and i want out really bad. i want to prove something
to myself because honestly in my eyes i'm a failure,
in everything, i can't name ONE thing that i've
succeeded at. and now i can't decide what i want to
do with my life. one day it's medical, then i'll be
in planes traveling and moving around all the time
and the next day i want to be in the marines and now
i have no idea about anything. there's a lot of people
discouraging me going into the marines, and now i'm
starting to doubt myself. and then i thought, "well i
love water and swimming, how about the coast guard?"
so now i guess tomorrow i'm going to go talk to a recruiter
there and see what the benefits of that are.
ugh.
and then on top of that i have people on my back all the time
about what i'm going to do and where i'm going. everyone shut
up, trust me there is no one that can beat me up over this
more than myself. did that make sense, did i say that right?
ugh. oh god. lack of sleep.
i want a best friend again. correction, i want the best friend
i used to have, and i want everything to be the same again.
=| this sucks. i knew we wouldn't be as close as we were back then
forever, but i never imagined my life without her, how could i?
whatever. i know there's no going back and i know even if we were
friends again, nothing would ever be the same, but i still miss that
sense of security she gave me. no matter how much we fought and screamed
at each other and beat each other up, nothing was ever wrong when i
was close to her. nothing. ever. look i'm talking about her like she
doesn't read this shit. holly, the line was ALWAYS clear when you were
around, you know that, i know that, as much as i wish you knew nothing
about me, and as much as i wish i could just forget about ever being friends
with you, i can't. i can't see shit anymore, i do everything that i'm
not supposed to. i'm sorry for everything i've said and done and i know
nothing i ever say or do will ever fix anything ever again, but i mean
what i say. and i know you see right through me, you know when i'm lying
you know when i'm hurting.
i just miss having someone to talk to.
someone to relate to.
someone who understands.
someone that cares.
i miss all that.
anyways.
that's all.
and i want out really bad. i want to prove something
to myself because honestly in my eyes i'm a failure,
in everything, i can't name ONE thing that i've
succeeded at. and now i can't decide what i want to
do with my life. one day it's medical, then i'll be
in planes traveling and moving around all the time
and the next day i want to be in the marines and now
i have no idea about anything. there's a lot of people
discouraging me going into the marines, and now i'm
starting to doubt myself. and then i thought, "well i
love water and swimming, how about the coast guard?"
so now i guess tomorrow i'm going to go talk to a recruiter
there and see what the benefits of that are.
ugh.
and then on top of that i have people on my back all the time
about what i'm going to do and where i'm going. everyone shut
up, trust me there is no one that can beat me up over this
more than myself. did that make sense, did i say that right?
ugh. oh god. lack of sleep.
i want a best friend again. correction, i want the best friend
i used to have, and i want everything to be the same again.
=| this sucks. i knew we wouldn't be as close as we were back then
forever, but i never imagined my life without her, how could i?
whatever. i know there's no going back and i know even if we were
friends again, nothing would ever be the same, but i still miss that
sense of security she gave me. no matter how much we fought and screamed
at each other and beat each other up, nothing was ever wrong when i
was close to her. nothing. ever. look i'm talking about her like she
doesn't read this shit. holly, the line was ALWAYS clear when you were
around, you know that, i know that, as much as i wish you knew nothing
about me, and as much as i wish i could just forget about ever being friends
with you, i can't. i can't see shit anymore, i do everything that i'm
not supposed to. i'm sorry for everything i've said and done and i know
nothing i ever say or do will ever fix anything ever again, but i mean
what i say. and i know you see right through me, you know when i'm lying
you know when i'm hurting.
i just miss having someone to talk to.
someone to relate to.
someone who understands.
someone that cares.
i miss all that.
anyways.
that's all.