Just to clarify some things
I don't know how many people have seen my last post which should have been more limited, but since I made it public I want to say some things publicly so people are clear on them and don't get the wrong idea. My life has been really busy this semester, unusually so because there are additional pressures on me in terms of school and money. Partly as a result of this, I've been even more limited than usual in how much I see my friends and people who are important to me. Part of it, though, is that I've never been that good at it. I've never been good at managing my time, and although it's way better now, I think the idea of seeing people or talking to them inherently frightens me. That's something that makes Andrew different from other people, and I think I'm different in that way for him too. I've never been afraid of talking to him or running into him, and that's something that even for my closest friends has taken a lot of time and trust to build up. But I've never been good at commitments or deadlines or being places on time, and ever since I've been in college (and before, too) that's really hurt me, but it doesn't seem to change it much. The only thing that's really changed it that much has been being on my own for the past year, and it's doing me a lot of good, but there's a lot of time to make up for.
Andrew and I have had some issues off and on because of this (or maybe it's more continuous), and some of it is due genuinely to unique circumstances to this stage of my life, but a lot of it is also me being generally unreliable. I feel like I continually let a lot of people down, and I hate it, and the people who are able to deal with it and know that it has nothing to do with how important they are to me are the ones who stay in my life, and other people come and go. But I hate it and I want so much to be different and better, because that's no way to be, and this year has made it better, but it's not good enough. And I feel like I've been really neglectful of people I care about, and caring about them doesn't make it any better, and feeling bad and saying I feel bad doesn't make it any better. I don't know what to do, because I feel like with everyone I'm either explicitly or implicitly asking for them to accept me or for more chances to do better.
The situation with Andrew...it's mainly been my fault, and I feel bad about it. Like, as much as I get defensive and express that I'm genuinely trying to make things better, I really don't talk to him much. And I don't talk to Alana that much either, and I don't like it, and I know it's bad.
I love Andrew so much, and I hate the feeling that I'm treating people I care about poorly. And I don't like the idea that I'm hurting him. I need to finish this later, because I'm going out with Alana and some of her people, but I wanted people to know that Andrew is way not the one at fault, and I haven't been meaning to blame him for this.
Andrew and I have had some issues off and on because of this (or maybe it's more continuous), and some of it is due genuinely to unique circumstances to this stage of my life, but a lot of it is also me being generally unreliable. I feel like I continually let a lot of people down, and I hate it, and the people who are able to deal with it and know that it has nothing to do with how important they are to me are the ones who stay in my life, and other people come and go. But I hate it and I want so much to be different and better, because that's no way to be, and this year has made it better, but it's not good enough. And I feel like I've been really neglectful of people I care about, and caring about them doesn't make it any better, and feeling bad and saying I feel bad doesn't make it any better. I don't know what to do, because I feel like with everyone I'm either explicitly or implicitly asking for them to accept me or for more chances to do better.
The situation with Andrew...it's mainly been my fault, and I feel bad about it. Like, as much as I get defensive and express that I'm genuinely trying to make things better, I really don't talk to him much. And I don't talk to Alana that much either, and I don't like it, and I know it's bad.
I love Andrew so much, and I hate the feeling that I'm treating people I care about poorly. And I don't like the idea that I'm hurting him. I need to finish this later, because I'm going out with Alana and some of her people, but I wanted people to know that Andrew is way not the one at fault, and I haven't been meaning to blame him for this.