What do you know...
It's still here, this old thing. I'm afraid to read the old entries. I'm not the same person, but I haven't changed at all, at the "core" if that makes any sense.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm bored. Am I depressed? No, not really. I just live in a perpetual state of disappointment and self-loathing. Surely, that isn't the same thing. I wonder if anyone will ever even see this? Does it matter? Not much. Am I asking too many questions? Hardly! That was only the third.
I don't know what to do with myself these days. I'm lost and I always have been. What I think I need, more than anything, is to get out of here. Pennsylvania is good for 4 things: living in peace, farming, dumping your garbage and producing scandals.
I used to entertain the thought of running away, but I'd probably been killed years ago. I still think about it though. I'd like to get away. Away from the general idiotic population, away from the rampant drug use in the area, away from my control freak of a mother, away from the smell of smoke and defeat. I don't think there's ever been anything truly wrong with me (okay, maybe a few things, but they add character). I think I was just born in the wrong area. I find it hard to believe I'll ever find happiness here, but what would I know? It's not like I've ever made any attempt to seek it here. Nor success (which to me, equals: holding down a job and not living on the goodwill of others). I might as well be a bum, and, truthfully, I think I'd like to be. I wish I lived in Europe though, so I be called something more stylish, like a gypsy.
We are in control of our lives, for the most part. If I want a change of scenery, I'll have to pursue it. I can't continue to blame my environment (though it isn't much help) and feel sorry for myself. One day, I'll be content... but I won't if I stay here. And that's why I've been so withdrawn. I've always been disappointed with myself and just couldn't find the courage to be myself, regardless. I'd always go to this dark place, where I was a failure and people hated me for it. I'm sick of it.
That's about enough, I think.
Thanks for listening, Journal. I needed you.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm bored. Am I depressed? No, not really. I just live in a perpetual state of disappointment and self-loathing. Surely, that isn't the same thing. I wonder if anyone will ever even see this? Does it matter? Not much. Am I asking too many questions? Hardly! That was only the third.
I don't know what to do with myself these days. I'm lost and I always have been. What I think I need, more than anything, is to get out of here. Pennsylvania is good for 4 things: living in peace, farming, dumping your garbage and producing scandals.
I used to entertain the thought of running away, but I'd probably been killed years ago. I still think about it though. I'd like to get away. Away from the general idiotic population, away from the rampant drug use in the area, away from my control freak of a mother, away from the smell of smoke and defeat. I don't think there's ever been anything truly wrong with me (okay, maybe a few things, but they add character). I think I was just born in the wrong area. I find it hard to believe I'll ever find happiness here, but what would I know? It's not like I've ever made any attempt to seek it here. Nor success (which to me, equals: holding down a job and not living on the goodwill of others). I might as well be a bum, and, truthfully, I think I'd like to be. I wish I lived in Europe though, so I be called something more stylish, like a gypsy.
We are in control of our lives, for the most part. If I want a change of scenery, I'll have to pursue it. I can't continue to blame my environment (though it isn't much help) and feel sorry for myself. One day, I'll be content... but I won't if I stay here. And that's why I've been so withdrawn. I've always been disappointed with myself and just couldn't find the courage to be myself, regardless. I'd always go to this dark place, where I was a failure and people hated me for it. I'm sick of it.
That's about enough, I think.
Thanks for listening, Journal. I needed you.