girls suck i hate beening confused
Yea ok so by now anyone who has ever took a few minutes to read any of this has realized I am a ball of emotion, and well this week has been a ruff one. Well I am falling hard for a damn E-girl it sucks, is sucks, it sucks, I told myself after the last nightmare I would never do it, but steff is awesome just absolutly awesome which I almost think makes it worse. Steff is like everything i wanted in a girl she is carring(best i can tell based on the way she deals with her friends and all), she is kinda shy, she is like yea I dunno I am so infatuated at this point I have a hard time describing everything i see in her, but what i see most in her is she is almost the polar opposit of my ex, everyhing my ex did wrong, steff does right, and everything my ex did right steff still does right. we talk on the phone and all so i know that there is at least something there for her as well, but last night I got the biggest empty feeling in my stomache that was almost unberable, I am not a jellous person I am a very love and let go person but she had a guy over at her house(allegedly it was steffs friends-friend and steff hasn't given me reason to not believe her but still I know how friends can be) and i was watching her flirt with this other guy in a chat room, I know she was just fucking with him but it made me wonder if she is just fucking with me too. I am to much of a ball of raw emotion to be fucked with to much, yea so I am confused. SHe talks about how bad she wants to meet up and all that but, my mind is telling me I am getting set up to get hurt but my heart and the desire to feel love, to be in love, to be loved and my inner romantic is telling me to just go for it. It sucks I figure with in a week I will be here heartbroken over something that was never mine.
Yea so I had a FUCKED up weekend regarding my ex, I am the type of person, selfish i guess, but i want to be friends with my ex's i don't like looseing people. So over the weekend(friday to be exact) I talked to my ex online and after a little whil she got it out of me that i was finally to move on and start dating(truth be told i was ready almost the dat we broke up) and she snapped. Rach was never a emotional stable person to begin with, and i had often figured she had at least one extra personality but she went into this deep suicidal talk and she has tryed it before so I have to take the threats serious. Anyways yea we finally ended up having that huge argument and fight we never had, and it sucked cause i had to hold back because i was afraid to push her over the edge, yet she felt the need to blame me for everything(I am forever the scapegoat) but yea messed up, but i think we are threw compleatly. It hurts cause I hate loosing people but what can you do. By the end of the weekend she admited that she just wants me back and wanted to try everything possible and blah, blah blah, and she addmited that she would start fights with me just cause she knew I would crumble and break down she thought she could control me(guess that one back fired on her). So yea clsure is nice but if things go sour with steff(and i got a feeling its going to be sooner then later) i am going to feel real fucking alone and it sucks but instead of living in the darkness I know is coming, I am going to enjoy this feeling of pre-love and deal with the rest of it as it comes, who knows maybe things are not going to be as bad as i thought maybe I will get my happily ever after.
I found out my dads mom died last week, it sucks i guess hse got hurt at work or something. BUt i am not totaly crashed from it cuase I honestly didn't know her all that well(the price you pay when your dad turns you into the balck sheap of the family).
So this weekend i might go to vancouver, bc, a friend of mine is dj'ing some huge club thing up here and we offered to VIP me and my friends if we could make it there, so if it doesn't happen before then I guess I might get my chanc to meet steff and see eye to eye how she feels cause she lives a mile off the high way that i have to take to get to BC and she might come along.
So yea thats the very abreviated version of whats happened in my life that last week or so. There is so much more but I can't write any more. So quick shout out to Mindy and trina cause I am pretty sure you will read this cause you girls kick ass and I love ya. ANd to anyone else who reads this I love you all too, but I would love ya more if u left a comment, its nice to know that someone out there took the time to read this.
Anyways
Peace out,
S. Goat
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
Yea so I had a FUCKED up weekend regarding my ex, I am the type of person, selfish i guess, but i want to be friends with my ex's i don't like looseing people. So over the weekend(friday to be exact) I talked to my ex online and after a little whil she got it out of me that i was finally to move on and start dating(truth be told i was ready almost the dat we broke up) and she snapped. Rach was never a emotional stable person to begin with, and i had often figured she had at least one extra personality but she went into this deep suicidal talk and she has tryed it before so I have to take the threats serious. Anyways yea we finally ended up having that huge argument and fight we never had, and it sucked cause i had to hold back because i was afraid to push her over the edge, yet she felt the need to blame me for everything(I am forever the scapegoat) but yea messed up, but i think we are threw compleatly. It hurts cause I hate loosing people but what can you do. By the end of the weekend she admited that she just wants me back and wanted to try everything possible and blah, blah blah, and she addmited that she would start fights with me just cause she knew I would crumble and break down she thought she could control me(guess that one back fired on her). So yea clsure is nice but if things go sour with steff(and i got a feeling its going to be sooner then later) i am going to feel real fucking alone and it sucks but instead of living in the darkness I know is coming, I am going to enjoy this feeling of pre-love and deal with the rest of it as it comes, who knows maybe things are not going to be as bad as i thought maybe I will get my happily ever after.
I found out my dads mom died last week, it sucks i guess hse got hurt at work or something. BUt i am not totaly crashed from it cuase I honestly didn't know her all that well(the price you pay when your dad turns you into the balck sheap of the family).
So this weekend i might go to vancouver, bc, a friend of mine is dj'ing some huge club thing up here and we offered to VIP me and my friends if we could make it there, so if it doesn't happen before then I guess I might get my chanc to meet steff and see eye to eye how she feels cause she lives a mile off the high way that i have to take to get to BC and she might come along.
So yea thats the very abreviated version of whats happened in my life that last week or so. There is so much more but I can't write any more. So quick shout out to Mindy and trina cause I am pretty sure you will read this cause you girls kick ass and I love ya. ANd to anyone else who reads this I love you all too, but I would love ya more if u left a comment, its nice to know that someone out there took the time to read this.
Anyways
Peace out,
S. Goat
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)