A deliberation of sorts.
Well, I guess this is a rather strange occurrence (nowadays anyway, that is, my posting). All life is wonderful though, for I am on the sugar-white sand-covered beaches of sunny Destin, FL. My father took us on his yearly trip with him, including my mother and little sister (she just celebrated her eleventh birthday). I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and it has come to this, I suppose clearing my thoughts with the help of writing it down...publicly. All of those not wishing to read, go ahead and cut out now, for this is about to be a long trip.
I sit now, 1:30AM on the aforementioned beaches, and I do mean on the beach, because I have been on a spree of deep reflection and looking back, as well as prospective possibilities and situations. This all has culminated in a variety of emotion, from sorrowful depression, to times of great joy. I suppose it all started when I got in the car to come down to this wonderful destination from Athens. I was digging through my cd case, which, for all of you that truly know me, I never clean out or throw anything out. So I begin to randomly pop in all types of plastic, from every genre one could imagine (it is a long car-ride!). I think I began with a cd Alex had made me a long time ago, back even before we had started dating, or maybe we had just started. Oh well, the point is, a deluge of memories came in a rush. A moment so overwhelming, I began to tear up. It wasn't just of Alex as I listened onto these little portals through time, however, but more of that whole stage of life: high school, the horrors as well as the most amazing times of my life.
I began to cycle through friends, and once I had arrived in this beachy paradise, I looked over old photos and LJ entries. Memorabilia from everywhere, building back times I thought I would never remember. Times with my amazing circle of friends at those times: Alex, Christopher, Meredith, Cecilia, Hillary, Samantha, Erica, Bethany, Boykin, Tiffany all who assembled in what seemed to me, at moments, times of perfection. Marching band aftercraziness, late night trips that turned into mornings of extreme tiredness/hazy merriment, and of course times with Alex. The pure love I felt back then, an ultimate infatuation, or what I thought would last forever and sadly did not. Still, we had great times of learning everything about the other, and exploring sexuality with each other. I then remembered the distance that Alex and I had shortened had moved other friends away from us, mainly because we were too busy with each other. For this, I do apologize.
I remembered the breakup that really truly hurt me so so deep. I remember the feeling of ruining a persons day intentionally, and hating myself. Then to make it worse I had to go and give up on the person who I had just murdered emotionally because the sight of her made me feel so guilty. I remember when some of our "family" had left and gone to colleges away from us, and so we decided to take a random-ass trip to Atlanta and stayed in the sketchiest damn apartment we could find.
I remember Christopher's laugh, Bethany's sharp punches, Alex's smile, Boykin's randomness, Cecilia's wit, Samantha's oddities (fanfiction), Hillary's individuality all of which I continue to miss dearly, definately to this moment.
Finally the time came for me to graduate from the old RH, and I would go to UGA to study music. This past year has been quite an experience. I have learned new things, done a few drugs for experimentation only, as well as Redcoats and College in general. I have met a new circle of friends all of which I can compare to those I consider to be my family. Redcoats led me to have a new girlfriend, which went well...physically; you know, until I found out we had nothing in common, except for an attraction to the other's, umm, sex. So that ended rather quickly. Academics have gone well, and I have managed to maintain a 3.5 GPA, which I do expect to raise. My clarinet professor has such high hopes for me, and thinks that I should go for a performance degree.
My career has always been in question for me. Will it be something I will enjoy? Will it pay my bills? I think that college was quite possibly the dumbest idea ever invented by man, for the idea that one can expect to know what he/she wishes to do for the rest of their life at the age of eighteen is preposterous and disgusting. I am lucky in a sense, however, for I know that whatever I wish to do in life, it must be in music. I have had so many daydreams about my possible future: conductor of a great symphony orchestra with hair just as crazy as my personality, a clarinetist for the New York Philharmonic, a professor of Music Theory, or simply a grade school band director. All of these options continue to have their appeals, but I cannot choose what I wish to do. It gets so frustrating sometimes just trying to answer this question that I frequently end up ruining my day with it.
The whole point of this entry is, although things have changed so drastically over the past four years that really matter to me, the best Something Corporate, Linkin Park, or any other song can do is remind me of all the times I have spent with all of you who truly mean something to me which seems to me like a double-edged sword. The memories are always enjoyable, but sometimes getting lost in nostalgia can bring about bad symptoms, along the lines of depression. I miss times that have passed, for they won't happen again. I miss the dedication of everyone to each other, which has been replaced by other obligations/choices (job, college, other relationships). All of these have put strains on such a great group of people, but there is still something we all have: a love for each other. As I finish this incredibly long post (my battery is almost dead!), I accept what time/distance has done to us, but I know that with how unpredictable life is, that these circumstances do not matter. We all have recollection of how we act when we are together, and this is what will continue to bind us together.
This said, Cecilia and Hillary: I look forward to the days when I can drive over to your lovely apartment for a good dinner and great conversation.
Alex: whatever troubles you, you always have someone to confide in. And it does not have to be Lloyd all the time, for others care greatly for you as well!
Chris: I am sorry that all of us have left you or are leaving you in the sense of school and such, but rest assured that when it comes to problems or good news, your "brother" is here for you.
Bethany: although I don't think you even touch this, I am so happy you are where you are, and I look forward to hearing tales of how people have lost fluids all over you all day :D
Samantha: we need to get together, for I don't remeber the last time I saw you, and I feel like I could connect with whats going down in both our lives.
Now that the tide has come in without my knowledge, I am going to go in and dry off and sleep. I leave you all with this: I may not keep in touch a whole lot or at all, and I may talk about how busy I am with school, but don't you ever think that I never think of you all and how much I miss you guys. I do hope all goes well for everyone, but isn't that everyone's wish?
Goodnight, and I look forward to our rendezvous...by the dumpsters later. That's hot.
I sit now, 1:30AM on the aforementioned beaches, and I do mean on the beach, because I have been on a spree of deep reflection and looking back, as well as prospective possibilities and situations. This all has culminated in a variety of emotion, from sorrowful depression, to times of great joy. I suppose it all started when I got in the car to come down to this wonderful destination from Athens. I was digging through my cd case, which, for all of you that truly know me, I never clean out or throw anything out. So I begin to randomly pop in all types of plastic, from every genre one could imagine (it is a long car-ride!). I think I began with a cd Alex had made me a long time ago, back even before we had started dating, or maybe we had just started. Oh well, the point is, a deluge of memories came in a rush. A moment so overwhelming, I began to tear up. It wasn't just of Alex as I listened onto these little portals through time, however, but more of that whole stage of life: high school, the horrors as well as the most amazing times of my life.
I began to cycle through friends, and once I had arrived in this beachy paradise, I looked over old photos and LJ entries. Memorabilia from everywhere, building back times I thought I would never remember. Times with my amazing circle of friends at those times: Alex, Christopher, Meredith, Cecilia, Hillary, Samantha, Erica, Bethany, Boykin, Tiffany all who assembled in what seemed to me, at moments, times of perfection. Marching band aftercraziness, late night trips that turned into mornings of extreme tiredness/hazy merriment, and of course times with Alex. The pure love I felt back then, an ultimate infatuation, or what I thought would last forever and sadly did not. Still, we had great times of learning everything about the other, and exploring sexuality with each other. I then remembered the distance that Alex and I had shortened had moved other friends away from us, mainly because we were too busy with each other. For this, I do apologize.
I remembered the breakup that really truly hurt me so so deep. I remember the feeling of ruining a persons day intentionally, and hating myself. Then to make it worse I had to go and give up on the person who I had just murdered emotionally because the sight of her made me feel so guilty. I remember when some of our "family" had left and gone to colleges away from us, and so we decided to take a random-ass trip to Atlanta and stayed in the sketchiest damn apartment we could find.
I remember Christopher's laugh, Bethany's sharp punches, Alex's smile, Boykin's randomness, Cecilia's wit, Samantha's oddities (fanfiction), Hillary's individuality all of which I continue to miss dearly, definately to this moment.
Finally the time came for me to graduate from the old RH, and I would go to UGA to study music. This past year has been quite an experience. I have learned new things, done a few drugs for experimentation only, as well as Redcoats and College in general. I have met a new circle of friends all of which I can compare to those I consider to be my family. Redcoats led me to have a new girlfriend, which went well...physically; you know, until I found out we had nothing in common, except for an attraction to the other's, umm, sex. So that ended rather quickly. Academics have gone well, and I have managed to maintain a 3.5 GPA, which I do expect to raise. My clarinet professor has such high hopes for me, and thinks that I should go for a performance degree.
My career has always been in question for me. Will it be something I will enjoy? Will it pay my bills? I think that college was quite possibly the dumbest idea ever invented by man, for the idea that one can expect to know what he/she wishes to do for the rest of their life at the age of eighteen is preposterous and disgusting. I am lucky in a sense, however, for I know that whatever I wish to do in life, it must be in music. I have had so many daydreams about my possible future: conductor of a great symphony orchestra with hair just as crazy as my personality, a clarinetist for the New York Philharmonic, a professor of Music Theory, or simply a grade school band director. All of these options continue to have their appeals, but I cannot choose what I wish to do. It gets so frustrating sometimes just trying to answer this question that I frequently end up ruining my day with it.
The whole point of this entry is, although things have changed so drastically over the past four years that really matter to me, the best Something Corporate, Linkin Park, or any other song can do is remind me of all the times I have spent with all of you who truly mean something to me which seems to me like a double-edged sword. The memories are always enjoyable, but sometimes getting lost in nostalgia can bring about bad symptoms, along the lines of depression. I miss times that have passed, for they won't happen again. I miss the dedication of everyone to each other, which has been replaced by other obligations/choices (job, college, other relationships). All of these have put strains on such a great group of people, but there is still something we all have: a love for each other. As I finish this incredibly long post (my battery is almost dead!), I accept what time/distance has done to us, but I know that with how unpredictable life is, that these circumstances do not matter. We all have recollection of how we act when we are together, and this is what will continue to bind us together.
This said, Cecilia and Hillary: I look forward to the days when I can drive over to your lovely apartment for a good dinner and great conversation.
Alex: whatever troubles you, you always have someone to confide in. And it does not have to be Lloyd all the time, for others care greatly for you as well!
Chris: I am sorry that all of us have left you or are leaving you in the sense of school and such, but rest assured that when it comes to problems or good news, your "brother" is here for you.
Bethany: although I don't think you even touch this, I am so happy you are where you are, and I look forward to hearing tales of how people have lost fluids all over you all day :D
Samantha: we need to get together, for I don't remeber the last time I saw you, and I feel like I could connect with whats going down in both our lives.
Now that the tide has come in without my knowledge, I am going to go in and dry off and sleep. I leave you all with this: I may not keep in touch a whole lot or at all, and I may talk about how busy I am with school, but don't you ever think that I never think of you all and how much I miss you guys. I do hope all goes well for everyone, but isn't that everyone's wish?
Goodnight, and I look forward to our rendezvous...by the dumpsters later. That's hot.