(no subject)
I haven't written in this journal in a very long time because I found I was using more to chronicle useless life events than anything remotely meaningful. But a lot has changed in my life in the very recent past and as a result, I am going to be using this journal in a more honest and expressive way. It would make sense to keep some of these things private, but facing a blank page with a pen is too exclusionary. At least on the internet I feel like I'm not alone. That could make no sense, I have no idea. The other part is, someone might read this and not want to, but I think that they can just press the back button and forget the link if they feel its necessary. I am not doing this to make people feel sorry for me, this journal is just for me.
A week ago, someone I loved very, very much broke up with me and throughout the course of the week it has come out that his feelings have changed for me. Now, some of you (Travis) might just find this ironic, and I could possibly share a miserable giggle with you, but the truth is I am devastated. Over the Christmas break I began taking medication to deal with my depression, but with the onset of this breakup, things became a lot harder for me. Thankfully my mother came and saved me from crying myself to death (not just a figure of speech either - I was literally crying so hard I would hyperventilate), not to mention starvation and sleep deprivation. My mom took me to the school counseling services where I had yet another mental break down when they told me it would over a week before someone could see me. I guess watching someone experience a mental break down freaks people out (psychologists included), because they changed their mind and took me in right away. I talk to some woman named Andrea who told me it was sad and unfair and all the things I already knew. She told me to take walks, eat properly and - this is the big part - keep a journal! So when I am feeling upset during the day, I am supposed to make a quick note and then deal with it during a set aside time I have made for myself to specifically journal and experience grief. So I have this journal, but in the first day I had jotted so many things down that journaling about it made no sense, it was already there. After the counseling session, my mom walked me over to the student health clinic where I was prescribed some kind of anxiety drug to prevent myself from having panic attacks. I must admit that the pills are very helpful as they allow me to calm down and focus on the tasks at hand (mainly getting my grad school applications in on time!). I am also taking off the shelf sleep aids because there is nothing worse than waking up in the bed you shared with someone you loved and realizing they are not there. I have been doing my best to keep busy and I have very much surprised myself by dealing with this better than I thought I could. It was nice to have my mom here for a couple days and then Niki stayed over one night and tonight after class, Delaney and I hung out for awhile in the Grad Lounge. People have been very good to me but I am starting to get sick of talking about my problem with Kris. I hate having people feel sorry for me and while I know it's good to talk about things, more than anything I just want someone to tell me some kind of solution that will make all of this better. I tried talking to Kris yesterday about things, but it seems that he has made up his mind that his feelings are changed and he doesn't have the energy to recommit to me. I am very worried about his well being and the most difficult part is not being able to get through to him. He refuses to ask anyone for help and instead of dealing with what is bothering him, he pushes those closest away and ignores everything else. It is so hard to look him in the eye and offer to help and have him walk away. He means the absolute world to me, but there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. Everyone tells me not to give up on him, and I don't want to, but maybe that is the best for me. Yet I can't imagine there being a best for me without him.
Anyway, I should fill in the blanks from my jotted journal list today:
A week ago, someone I loved very, very much broke up with me and throughout the course of the week it has come out that his feelings have changed for me. Now, some of you (Travis) might just find this ironic, and I could possibly share a miserable giggle with you, but the truth is I am devastated. Over the Christmas break I began taking medication to deal with my depression, but with the onset of this breakup, things became a lot harder for me. Thankfully my mother came and saved me from crying myself to death (not just a figure of speech either - I was literally crying so hard I would hyperventilate), not to mention starvation and sleep deprivation. My mom took me to the school counseling services where I had yet another mental break down when they told me it would over a week before someone could see me. I guess watching someone experience a mental break down freaks people out (psychologists included), because they changed their mind and took me in right away. I talk to some woman named Andrea who told me it was sad and unfair and all the things I already knew. She told me to take walks, eat properly and - this is the big part - keep a journal! So when I am feeling upset during the day, I am supposed to make a quick note and then deal with it during a set aside time I have made for myself to specifically journal and experience grief. So I have this journal, but in the first day I had jotted so many things down that journaling about it made no sense, it was already there. After the counseling session, my mom walked me over to the student health clinic where I was prescribed some kind of anxiety drug to prevent myself from having panic attacks. I must admit that the pills are very helpful as they allow me to calm down and focus on the tasks at hand (mainly getting my grad school applications in on time!). I am also taking off the shelf sleep aids because there is nothing worse than waking up in the bed you shared with someone you loved and realizing they are not there. I have been doing my best to keep busy and I have very much surprised myself by dealing with this better than I thought I could. It was nice to have my mom here for a couple days and then Niki stayed over one night and tonight after class, Delaney and I hung out for awhile in the Grad Lounge. People have been very good to me but I am starting to get sick of talking about my problem with Kris. I hate having people feel sorry for me and while I know it's good to talk about things, more than anything I just want someone to tell me some kind of solution that will make all of this better. I tried talking to Kris yesterday about things, but it seems that he has made up his mind that his feelings are changed and he doesn't have the energy to recommit to me. I am very worried about his well being and the most difficult part is not being able to get through to him. He refuses to ask anyone for help and instead of dealing with what is bothering him, he pushes those closest away and ignores everything else. It is so hard to look him in the eye and offer to help and have him walk away. He means the absolute world to me, but there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. Everyone tells me not to give up on him, and I don't want to, but maybe that is the best for me. Yet I can't imagine there being a best for me without him.
Anyway, I should fill in the blanks from my jotted journal list today:
- I have not cried and it is 2:10pm. Actually, I am even more proud to say that I have not had a full out cry today. I had tears in my eyes when he told me his feelings have changed, but it was not a cry. Yay for me.
- Having Niki helped. This is big time true. It is very hard for me to be in this apartment because everything reminds me of him. Even when his shit is gone, there are still so many memories. The hardest object to deal with is the bed, but I am very careful to sleep on my own side of the bed and turn my back to where he would normally be. It is also hard to wake up and realize I have to deal with another day without him, so having Niki here made that easier. She also helped me call the mental health line to set up an appointment and I think that is very important.
- I am nervous to see him in class. This turned out not to be an issue because it was just another day of class and I was busy and didn't have time to think about him sitting beside me. I was very surprised about this. Again, yay for me.
- It's hard to sit next to him and watch him so sad - I want to reach out and touch him and I want him to touch me back. I can see a sadness in his eyes and it breaks my heart over and over. I long to feel him and I want so much for him to acknowledge this and want it back.
- why can't I accept when he says his feelings are over? Because i am a girl and I am in love. There can't be any other answer.