everyone has to bitch sometimes
always so weird feeling like something is missing or should have been said but wasnt or something was said but wasnt meant, I dunno just maybe me expecting to much, hwo knows but then it is a cath 22 if I dont do this then I get this if I do this then I dont get that, an e-mail and 2 calls today maybe I am just paranoid but I dunno just makes me feel weird...unwanted maybe, like the stuff I do isnt wanted the things I make an effort to do extra where I let go of a bit of my defense to say something or be someway.
California is ehhh, was looking forward to it so muhc but it just hasnt been that great I get paid a decent ammount here but I am always working I go to work at 7 am and get home at 5 pm and then weekends I am worjing in the yard doing shit I am expected to do " for you staying in our house you need to take the trash out fill the bird feeders blow to drive way, do this do that do some more of this and do that, then after that is done here is super hard shit and we will pay you for that but you can only do so muhc of it b/c we need to be here for you to do it", then fucking dumbass shit happens, I dunno I dont feel at home here I wish I had a place where I called home where I didnt feel like a guest cant go to Cb I just feel like I am staying in a hotel cant copme here I feel like I am unwanted being pushed around, and I dont have a home in tally anymore....an odd feeling to be homeless but with a home, feeling like this makes me feel alone also, my mom says "hey loryn will and I havent spent much time together lately" in my mind I am thinking I am 19 years old and I have maybe seen you a cumlative 1 year since I have been in school, not just college not just high school not just grade school all of school, so for her to say Loryn I havent seen will lately kinda makes me angry, today I was expecting to skip out on working outso I could go to the movies with my mom and will, to go see harry potter, so come 3pm when I am getting ready to go home and change and get cleaned up I get a call from my mom " hey loryn sorry me and will are gonna go to the movie alone, he is having a bad day"....what the fuck, I could cares less if he is having a bad day, if he is having a bad day maybe he shouldnt go and sit around and mope instead of dicthing me, I didnt go to see the movie on my own b/c I wanted to see it with them, will invited me to go and then I get ditched, she asked me if that was ok, if I was fine with it and I said " even if it wasnt it is still gonna happen so ya I am fine with it" so now here I am at home waiting by my cell phone hoping to get a phone call or something...doing nothing not working out b.c that got fucked up b/c of the movie not at the movie and not doing a thing, this blows, it is shit like this that makes me angry and upset about being here the car is good except that I wasnt told the ac cuts in and out the engine pings and it is gonna cost me an extra 500$...so that makes me upset, I have no friends here I sit on my computer waitng for an e-mail or by my phone waiting for a call, I call people with nop reason just to say hi...I am lonely, guys dont do the shit I do, I am calling my friends with nothing to say just so IU can say I have friends, just to feel like someone out there is thinking about me at some point in the day, I work for 8 hrs a day and there is no talking, the talk that is being done wis without me b/c they are all mexican and I honestly think they are talking about me, I get snickers and looks over the shoulder.....I dunno I am gonna shower and get the fuck out of here I need to go out just go a drive, go clear my head, I think I am gonna go to frys and get a gamecard fro everquest...sadly where all my friends are. someone talk to me please, show that you care call me in the middle of the day sure I wont answer the phone b/c I am working but we all know how nice it is to see "1 missed call, 1 new voicemail" it says hey wow someone cares enough about me to call not expecting for an answer but just to say hey, just to let the other know they are n your mind. I am leaving, bye
California is ehhh, was looking forward to it so muhc but it just hasnt been that great I get paid a decent ammount here but I am always working I go to work at 7 am and get home at 5 pm and then weekends I am worjing in the yard doing shit I am expected to do " for you staying in our house you need to take the trash out fill the bird feeders blow to drive way, do this do that do some more of this and do that, then after that is done here is super hard shit and we will pay you for that but you can only do so muhc of it b/c we need to be here for you to do it", then fucking dumbass shit happens, I dunno I dont feel at home here I wish I had a place where I called home where I didnt feel like a guest cant go to Cb I just feel like I am staying in a hotel cant copme here I feel like I am unwanted being pushed around, and I dont have a home in tally anymore....an odd feeling to be homeless but with a home, feeling like this makes me feel alone also, my mom says "hey loryn will and I havent spent much time together lately" in my mind I am thinking I am 19 years old and I have maybe seen you a cumlative 1 year since I have been in school, not just college not just high school not just grade school all of school, so for her to say Loryn I havent seen will lately kinda makes me angry, today I was expecting to skip out on working outso I could go to the movies with my mom and will, to go see harry potter, so come 3pm when I am getting ready to go home and change and get cleaned up I get a call from my mom " hey loryn sorry me and will are gonna go to the movie alone, he is having a bad day"....what the fuck, I could cares less if he is having a bad day, if he is having a bad day maybe he shouldnt go and sit around and mope instead of dicthing me, I didnt go to see the movie on my own b/c I wanted to see it with them, will invited me to go and then I get ditched, she asked me if that was ok, if I was fine with it and I said " even if it wasnt it is still gonna happen so ya I am fine with it" so now here I am at home waiting by my cell phone hoping to get a phone call or something...doing nothing not working out b.c that got fucked up b/c of the movie not at the movie and not doing a thing, this blows, it is shit like this that makes me angry and upset about being here the car is good except that I wasnt told the ac cuts in and out the engine pings and it is gonna cost me an extra 500$...so that makes me upset, I have no friends here I sit on my computer waitng for an e-mail or by my phone waiting for a call, I call people with nop reason just to say hi...I am lonely, guys dont do the shit I do, I am calling my friends with nothing to say just so IU can say I have friends, just to feel like someone out there is thinking about me at some point in the day, I work for 8 hrs a day and there is no talking, the talk that is being done wis without me b/c they are all mexican and I honestly think they are talking about me, I get snickers and looks over the shoulder.....I dunno I am gonna shower and get the fuck out of here I need to go out just go a drive, go clear my head, I think I am gonna go to frys and get a gamecard fro everquest...sadly where all my friends are. someone talk to me please, show that you care call me in the middle of the day sure I wont answer the phone b/c I am working but we all know how nice it is to see "1 missed call, 1 new voicemail" it says hey wow someone cares enough about me to call not expecting for an answer but just to say hey, just to let the other know they are n your mind. I am leaving, bye