only one thing
with Gawd as my witness I've made several attempts to quit drinking. some more successful then others. i've binged, i've drank like a normal person. i've had periods of drinking every day for hundreds of days in a row. i've done enough drugs to drive an elephant crazy, i've binged on mushrooms, meth, xtc, dxm, alcohol ... etc ... i've been to drug rehab, i've destroyed relationships, i've lied to everyone about my use. i've had really good times on drugs, i've had really good times shit faced. i've had really good times just drinkin a few beers and chattin up with my boys and girls. i've worked the 12 steps, i've spent almost a year sober, i've quit for 3 months, several weeks, and sometimes just a few days before failing.
i am making no promises to anyone, especially myself; and as a matter of fact, i don't even wanna quit drinking or doing drugs forever. however i want it to be publicly known that at this moment in time i haven't drank, done drugs, or even had a cigarette in 6 days, and i intend to keep this up for some time. everytime i spend some hardcore sober time with myself i mature and grow, and while i'm fucking my head with drugs it stunts my growth, which is totally fine with me; but at this moment i need a little growth and change, i'm stuck. i don't wanna be mediocre right now. so if anyone wants to hang out don't expect me to party for a while. call me up and i'll make you a cup of tea and we'll talk philosophy or some shit.
the other night while i was just about to go to sleep, Jena was lying on top of me kissing my neck, and i thought i heard her say "i love you" but i'm not sure. earlier that night she told me i felt like a brother to her. it's really unfortuanate that both of us consider ourselves to scandalous to wish ourselves on the other. i like her a lot, but i'm afraid i'll hurt her, and she is afraid to hurt me. right now i know mainly all i want is for her to be happy and continue to come down and visit me a few nights a week to keep her side of the bed warm. the sex isn't that great, but the freaky foreplay is awesome.
i think it would totally break my heart if she found someone else, which i don't think is possible, her and i are a team. i don't care if she fucks other dudes as long as i don't hear about it. and i know she doesn't care if i fuck other girls as long as she doesn't find out (i just found out tonight how violently protective of me she actually is). i never really thought opposites attract but i have never met a girl that is as different from me than she, and it works so naturally. our friendship is totally effortless, we don't even need speech to communicate. we have a position that we sleep in that we both just naturally slip into like puzzle pieces.
tonight i kicked it outside my work and drank tampico with some x408x RBHC kids; Rich, Eric Book, and Maniac. i work with Maniac, he is a cool kid, he knows his hardcore and is somewhat well versed in hip hop.
i visited with Trouble tonight as well, we talked about what sacrifices we'd do in the name of world peace. i decided i'd let Mr. T fuck me in the ass to achieve world peace, and Trouble was totally oppossed to the idea. i also shared my recent drama with my close friend K. he helped me understand where she could be coming from, and he also totally understood my side. but i remember that night just fine, and i'm not a liar; and i'm really sorry that she would think that about me or call me one. i wouldn't have minded as much if she had implied that i was wrong, as i did to her. but i was called a liar by one of my oldest dear friends, it hurt my feelings, and i've been stressin it for a few days now. but it hurt worse that when i had talked to Cindy she had already been told about the situation from someone elses biased point of view and immediately it was "what the fuck did you do to her???" DON'T DRAG MY NAME THROUGH THE MUD LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, i love you but i swear i will have my homegirls beat you up if you EVER share our drama in such a way EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN. that's not cool, i don't need to have my friends thinking bad things about me. i'm sorry that i slightly scratched your near perfect record with my big mouth, but i never directly called you a liar. i love you always, so shut your fucking mouth and get over it, i have an apology ready for you whenever you are ready to stop being ridiculous.
i've never written this intimately in my livejournal before. and it's likely i will never write this intimately ever again.
i am making no promises to anyone, especially myself; and as a matter of fact, i don't even wanna quit drinking or doing drugs forever. however i want it to be publicly known that at this moment in time i haven't drank, done drugs, or even had a cigarette in 6 days, and i intend to keep this up for some time. everytime i spend some hardcore sober time with myself i mature and grow, and while i'm fucking my head with drugs it stunts my growth, which is totally fine with me; but at this moment i need a little growth and change, i'm stuck. i don't wanna be mediocre right now. so if anyone wants to hang out don't expect me to party for a while. call me up and i'll make you a cup of tea and we'll talk philosophy or some shit.
the other night while i was just about to go to sleep, Jena was lying on top of me kissing my neck, and i thought i heard her say "i love you" but i'm not sure. earlier that night she told me i felt like a brother to her. it's really unfortuanate that both of us consider ourselves to scandalous to wish ourselves on the other. i like her a lot, but i'm afraid i'll hurt her, and she is afraid to hurt me. right now i know mainly all i want is for her to be happy and continue to come down and visit me a few nights a week to keep her side of the bed warm. the sex isn't that great, but the freaky foreplay is awesome.
i think it would totally break my heart if she found someone else, which i don't think is possible, her and i are a team. i don't care if she fucks other dudes as long as i don't hear about it. and i know she doesn't care if i fuck other girls as long as she doesn't find out (i just found out tonight how violently protective of me she actually is). i never really thought opposites attract but i have never met a girl that is as different from me than she, and it works so naturally. our friendship is totally effortless, we don't even need speech to communicate. we have a position that we sleep in that we both just naturally slip into like puzzle pieces.
tonight i kicked it outside my work and drank tampico with some x408x RBHC kids; Rich, Eric Book, and Maniac. i work with Maniac, he is a cool kid, he knows his hardcore and is somewhat well versed in hip hop.
i visited with Trouble tonight as well, we talked about what sacrifices we'd do in the name of world peace. i decided i'd let Mr. T fuck me in the ass to achieve world peace, and Trouble was totally oppossed to the idea. i also shared my recent drama with my close friend K. he helped me understand where she could be coming from, and he also totally understood my side. but i remember that night just fine, and i'm not a liar; and i'm really sorry that she would think that about me or call me one. i wouldn't have minded as much if she had implied that i was wrong, as i did to her. but i was called a liar by one of my oldest dear friends, it hurt my feelings, and i've been stressin it for a few days now. but it hurt worse that when i had talked to Cindy she had already been told about the situation from someone elses biased point of view and immediately it was "what the fuck did you do to her???" DON'T DRAG MY NAME THROUGH THE MUD LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, i love you but i swear i will have my homegirls beat you up if you EVER share our drama in such a way EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN. that's not cool, i don't need to have my friends thinking bad things about me. i'm sorry that i slightly scratched your near perfect record with my big mouth, but i never directly called you a liar. i love you always, so shut your fucking mouth and get over it, i have an apology ready for you whenever you are ready to stop being ridiculous.
i've never written this intimately in my livejournal before. and it's likely i will never write this intimately ever again.