(no subject)
Title: Beginnings
Author: sc_angel72
Characters/Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: G
Spoilers: Journey's End
Summary: Sometimes beginnings are as difficult as endings. And sometimes they come together.
Disclaimers: Not mine. I just play in the sandbox.
A/N: Thank you kae_nine, wendymr, and dark_aegis for fellowship during the angst-fest, encouragement, not laughing at me too much when I have seriously blond moments and top-notch BR jobs. Although tonight the mistakes are mine 'cause I was too impatient to post to wait and I need to go shampoo my rug and let my brain rest.
Rose
They stand on the beach, the two of them, for a long time after the sound of the TARDIS had faded away to nothing but a memory. Jackie had mumbled something about calling Pete and wandered off, which meant there would be probably be transportation arriving from Torchwood before too long.
Rose tries to take a deep breath, but it shudders and catches in her throat. She closes her eyes for a moment and realizes that her hand is limp in his. He's still holding on, but his grip is loose, like he's silently giving her the choice to pull away. She glances up at him through her tears to find him watching her. He -- the Doctor. He is the Doctor and she has to get that through her head.
He tries to offer a reassuring smile, as if everything is alright, but she can read him better than that. A muscle ticks at the base of his jaw and his entire body is tense, as if he's waiting for some verdict to fall. In that second, she can so clearly see her first doctor, and it hits her like a punch to the chest: He's waiting for her to reject him. He's trying to prepare himself, expecting it even.
In the space of a heartbeat, she's back at the moment where she first told him that she wouldn't go with him, and he tried so hard to hide the hurt and disappointment before nodding and turning away. That's the moment when it sparks through her like a bolt of lightening. He's truly given her himself. In so many ways, she's back at the beginning. Not the same. Never the same. But something that maybe, just maybe, with a lot of hard work and patience, can be sustainable the way they never could be before.
With him, her human Doctor, there's no more wither and die. Well, there is, but it won't be something he'll be on the sidelines for. They'll go there together. Hopefully. Nothing's for certain, because one heart or two, he's still the Doctor. Living a human life, being domestic, well, that's probably going to be easier said than done. She hasn't forgotten his reaction to the idea of settling down when they thought they were trapped in time under the shadow of the black hole.
The ocean breeze kicks up again, forcing her to close her eyes for a moment. When she opens them again, she's looking at the place where the TARDIS had last stood. The Doctor's hand loosens just a bit more. She knows he's hurting and her heart aches, but she can't go there just yet. First, there are good-byes to be said. If only he could understand that he's the only thing holding her together. She needs him as much as he needs her.
But there's another one with needs. The one that's just taken a part of her heart back to another universe with him. One that was strong enough to walk away from her despite what it cost him. And she knew it cost him. She felt it go through her like a knife.
She takes a deep breath and battles the lump in her throat as she forces the silent tears to stop. He's got Donna. The Doctor has Donna and she truly is brilliant. And if he needs them, he has Sarah Jane and Jack and Mickey and Martha, so many people who love him. Although ...
Her stomach churns thinking about Donna. Donna with a Time Lord's mind in her human body. Not exactly the same as looking into the heart of the TARDIS, but chances are it's not going to be all smooth sailing, either. She shakes her head. No. There's no way of knowing, so she's just not going to go there. She has to believe that there's somebody there with the Doctor. She has to believe that after having so many he loves around him and everything he's already sacrificed, that he's still got someone. The idea of the Doctor being alone again would break her, and so she believes, because if she's broken, she can't be there for the Doctor who's holding her hand and waiting for her to tell him he's not good enough. And she knows the Doctor. She knows that he has to believe that she's here and happy with this other version of himself, so she's going to do her best to make sure his belief isn't built on a vain hope. It's the very last thing left that she can give him.
One more deep breath and she's ready to take a first step. It doesn't mean that she's "over" the Doctor or the life of running hand in hand with him while the TARDIS ferried them about time and space. No, she'll never be over it, but goodbye has to start somewhere. The last time he said goodbye to her on the beach, she'd been overwhelmed and unable to find that starting point for a very long time. Now ...
As she shifts, his hand starts to drop away and her heart throbs painfully, but instead of fracturing further, it feels just a bit fuller. His eyes meet hers and for the first time, she sees him. Her Doctor. Just her Doctor. Not a copy, not a consolation prize. Her Doctor.
She squeezes his hand and smiles. This time she's the one not letting go.
For a moment he remains silent and solemn, his eyes searching hers like he's trying to read her mind. She's not sure if he even can, but it doesn't matter because he wouldn't anyway. Regardless, he seems to find what he's looking for in her eyes, and a grin lights up his face so brilliantly that it almost blinds her.
And as simply as that, her new life begins.
*************************
The Doctor
He stands there on the beach with Rose, her lifeless hand held captive by his long fingers and realizes that he's afraid. Positively terrified. He's just leapt off the precipice of everything familiar, everything that made him him, and put the burden of making it all right on Rose's slim shoulders.
He's a selfish bastard. Both of him. The him that left her and the him that allowed himself to be left. But he wants her like he's never wanted anyone before, and now he can have her. There's a price, of course. There's always a price. And he knows they'll both continue to pay, because being human isn't going to be easy for him. He isn't used to being tied to a place or a time or a person and being accountable for all the things that come with loving someone. Having a mate. Already he feels a bit strangled at the thought.
Despite the roar of the waves and wind, the silence is heavy -- the silence that surrounds Rose like an impenetrable wall. It unnerves him. Rose is his anchor in the deep waters of this new life he's venturing into. But what if she doesn't want to be? What if she doesn't see him as her Doctor, but some freak of the moment fobbed off on her without her consent? He stiffens at the thought, remembering how she'd automatically turned to his other self first. It was his other self that she wanted, even after he'd said the words and returned her kiss.
He watches her and wonders if she thinks he said and did those things to bind her to him. He didn't. It simply came naturally because the barriers that kept him from her before were gone now that he was human. But was it enough? The tears sliding silently down her cheeks seemed to say that it wasn't.
Without thinking, he loosens his grip on her hand and wonders if perhaps it would just be better if he steps away and gives her some space to deal with everything that has happened. Even without asking he knows that nothing has turned out as she'd planned or hoped. She certainly couldn't have planned to end up back in the parallel universe with a Time Lord who ... wasn't.
He also knows that the pressure he -- his other self -- put on her is unfair. "Here, Rose. I know you really want me, but here's a bastardized version me, all broken again like he was the first time you met him and without the fun perks like a TARDIS, but fix him, will you?"
His jaw hurts from clenching it, but he can't relax. He knows that he's got to step away and give her a choice, but what he's going to do without her, he doesn't know. For a minute he thinks about what happened on Midnight and fights back a shudder. He'll figure it out; it's just that his future as a human without Rose seems very, very bleak.
Taking a deep breath, he starts to release her hand, to let her go, both literally and figuratively, but her fingers tighten around his, surprising him. His heart breaks a little at the sight of her tear-stained face. He's caused so much pain to this beautiful, amazing woman, yet she loves him still.
His eyes widen as he searches hers, because with only a smile and the look in her eyes, she is telling him that she loves him. The part of him that knows he doesn't deserve it wants to label it as pity or duty or just plain resignation, but it isn't. She's looking at him for the first time and seeing her Doctor.
Relief washes through him and, even though he knows their journey together still won't be easy, he can't resist grinning at her.
And as simply as that, his new life begins.
Author: sc_angel72
Characters/Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: G
Spoilers: Journey's End
Summary: Sometimes beginnings are as difficult as endings. And sometimes they come together.
Disclaimers: Not mine. I just play in the sandbox.
A/N: Thank you kae_nine, wendymr, and dark_aegis for fellowship during the angst-fest, encouragement, not laughing at me too much when I have seriously blond moments and top-notch BR jobs. Although tonight the mistakes are mine 'cause I was too impatient to post to wait and I need to go shampoo my rug and let my brain rest.
Rose
They stand on the beach, the two of them, for a long time after the sound of the TARDIS had faded away to nothing but a memory. Jackie had mumbled something about calling Pete and wandered off, which meant there would be probably be transportation arriving from Torchwood before too long.
Rose tries to take a deep breath, but it shudders and catches in her throat. She closes her eyes for a moment and realizes that her hand is limp in his. He's still holding on, but his grip is loose, like he's silently giving her the choice to pull away. She glances up at him through her tears to find him watching her. He -- the Doctor. He is the Doctor and she has to get that through her head.
He tries to offer a reassuring smile, as if everything is alright, but she can read him better than that. A muscle ticks at the base of his jaw and his entire body is tense, as if he's waiting for some verdict to fall. In that second, she can so clearly see her first doctor, and it hits her like a punch to the chest: He's waiting for her to reject him. He's trying to prepare himself, expecting it even.
In the space of a heartbeat, she's back at the moment where she first told him that she wouldn't go with him, and he tried so hard to hide the hurt and disappointment before nodding and turning away. That's the moment when it sparks through her like a bolt of lightening. He's truly given her himself. In so many ways, she's back at the beginning. Not the same. Never the same. But something that maybe, just maybe, with a lot of hard work and patience, can be sustainable the way they never could be before.
With him, her human Doctor, there's no more wither and die. Well, there is, but it won't be something he'll be on the sidelines for. They'll go there together. Hopefully. Nothing's for certain, because one heart or two, he's still the Doctor. Living a human life, being domestic, well, that's probably going to be easier said than done. She hasn't forgotten his reaction to the idea of settling down when they thought they were trapped in time under the shadow of the black hole.
The ocean breeze kicks up again, forcing her to close her eyes for a moment. When she opens them again, she's looking at the place where the TARDIS had last stood. The Doctor's hand loosens just a bit more. She knows he's hurting and her heart aches, but she can't go there just yet. First, there are good-byes to be said. If only he could understand that he's the only thing holding her together. She needs him as much as he needs her.
But there's another one with needs. The one that's just taken a part of her heart back to another universe with him. One that was strong enough to walk away from her despite what it cost him. And she knew it cost him. She felt it go through her like a knife.
She takes a deep breath and battles the lump in her throat as she forces the silent tears to stop. He's got Donna. The Doctor has Donna and she truly is brilliant. And if he needs them, he has Sarah Jane and Jack and Mickey and Martha, so many people who love him. Although ...
Her stomach churns thinking about Donna. Donna with a Time Lord's mind in her human body. Not exactly the same as looking into the heart of the TARDIS, but chances are it's not going to be all smooth sailing, either. She shakes her head. No. There's no way of knowing, so she's just not going to go there. She has to believe that there's somebody there with the Doctor. She has to believe that after having so many he loves around him and everything he's already sacrificed, that he's still got someone. The idea of the Doctor being alone again would break her, and so she believes, because if she's broken, she can't be there for the Doctor who's holding her hand and waiting for her to tell him he's not good enough. And she knows the Doctor. She knows that he has to believe that she's here and happy with this other version of himself, so she's going to do her best to make sure his belief isn't built on a vain hope. It's the very last thing left that she can give him.
One more deep breath and she's ready to take a first step. It doesn't mean that she's "over" the Doctor or the life of running hand in hand with him while the TARDIS ferried them about time and space. No, she'll never be over it, but goodbye has to start somewhere. The last time he said goodbye to her on the beach, she'd been overwhelmed and unable to find that starting point for a very long time. Now ...
As she shifts, his hand starts to drop away and her heart throbs painfully, but instead of fracturing further, it feels just a bit fuller. His eyes meet hers and for the first time, she sees him. Her Doctor. Just her Doctor. Not a copy, not a consolation prize. Her Doctor.
She squeezes his hand and smiles. This time she's the one not letting go.
For a moment he remains silent and solemn, his eyes searching hers like he's trying to read her mind. She's not sure if he even can, but it doesn't matter because he wouldn't anyway. Regardless, he seems to find what he's looking for in her eyes, and a grin lights up his face so brilliantly that it almost blinds her.
And as simply as that, her new life begins.
*************************
The Doctor
He stands there on the beach with Rose, her lifeless hand held captive by his long fingers and realizes that he's afraid. Positively terrified. He's just leapt off the precipice of everything familiar, everything that made him him, and put the burden of making it all right on Rose's slim shoulders.
He's a selfish bastard. Both of him. The him that left her and the him that allowed himself to be left. But he wants her like he's never wanted anyone before, and now he can have her. There's a price, of course. There's always a price. And he knows they'll both continue to pay, because being human isn't going to be easy for him. He isn't used to being tied to a place or a time or a person and being accountable for all the things that come with loving someone. Having a mate. Already he feels a bit strangled at the thought.
Despite the roar of the waves and wind, the silence is heavy -- the silence that surrounds Rose like an impenetrable wall. It unnerves him. Rose is his anchor in the deep waters of this new life he's venturing into. But what if she doesn't want to be? What if she doesn't see him as her Doctor, but some freak of the moment fobbed off on her without her consent? He stiffens at the thought, remembering how she'd automatically turned to his other self first. It was his other self that she wanted, even after he'd said the words and returned her kiss.
He watches her and wonders if she thinks he said and did those things to bind her to him. He didn't. It simply came naturally because the barriers that kept him from her before were gone now that he was human. But was it enough? The tears sliding silently down her cheeks seemed to say that it wasn't.
Without thinking, he loosens his grip on her hand and wonders if perhaps it would just be better if he steps away and gives her some space to deal with everything that has happened. Even without asking he knows that nothing has turned out as she'd planned or hoped. She certainly couldn't have planned to end up back in the parallel universe with a Time Lord who ... wasn't.
He also knows that the pressure he -- his other self -- put on her is unfair. "Here, Rose. I know you really want me, but here's a bastardized version me, all broken again like he was the first time you met him and without the fun perks like a TARDIS, but fix him, will you?"
His jaw hurts from clenching it, but he can't relax. He knows that he's got to step away and give her a choice, but what he's going to do without her, he doesn't know. For a minute he thinks about what happened on Midnight and fights back a shudder. He'll figure it out; it's just that his future as a human without Rose seems very, very bleak.
Taking a deep breath, he starts to release her hand, to let her go, both literally and figuratively, but her fingers tighten around his, surprising him. His heart breaks a little at the sight of her tear-stained face. He's caused so much pain to this beautiful, amazing woman, yet she loves him still.
His eyes widen as he searches hers, because with only a smile and the look in her eyes, she is telling him that she loves him. The part of him that knows he doesn't deserve it wants to label it as pity or duty or just plain resignation, but it isn't. She's looking at him for the first time and seeing her Doctor.
Relief washes through him and, even though he knows their journey together still won't be easy, he can't resist grinning at her.
And as simply as that, his new life begins.