The truth hurts... but lies hurt more.

[sbrink]

I'm so tired of having nightmares every night and not being able to sleep. I'm so tired of feeling sick all day. I keep having the same panic attack and feeling I had a month ago, but for completely different reasons. No one could possibly imagine wht it's like, unless they experienced it. And the thing is , no one could possibly tell me how to make it stop or go away, I can't even figure out myself how to make it. I have absolutely no idea how long this is going to bother me. I have no clue what I should do next... to make it better. Last week I had this anxiety that was different.. now I have an anxiety about how I am going to react to things on a day to day basis.. and although everyone says to you "Just get over it, forget about it.." I can't. I don't believe a lot of people could.. that being people who have sincere emotion and develop emotional attachments to the person they spend months and months with thinking they are the one person in the world that would be last to hurt them (much less betray them..)

So i'm forced to just sit here with this feeling, constantly thinking about it. I can't really help but think about it. Even awake I am having nightmares that won't go away. I'm so fucked up. Of course I'll be alright, but right now I'm so fucked up. And all this pretending to be okay, for other people.. . . why am i doing it? Well, I guess because I'd rather hurt myself than hurt others ... I sacrafice my own happiness to make things easier for other people, and I can never hate anyone and I forgive everyone for anything.

However, that doesn't change the fact that I want to be told the truth. I don't want to be lied to anymore.