FANFIC: "Hollow Man" (oneshot)
Title: "Hollow Man"
Series: D.Gray-man
Type: One-shot
Genre: Mild angst, some drama, character exploration
Pairing: Lavi/Allen
Rating: All audiences
Summary: After learning about the Fourteenth Noah and Mana Walker, Allen starts to question his own reality; unable to watch Allen suffering so, Lavi tells him that despite everything, he is indeed loved.
Warnings: Spoilers for recent chapters, specifically chapters 165 through 167
Author's Note: This story is completely separate from any other fanfics I've written. It's entirely self-contained. Also, if the ending seems abrupt, it's meant to be that way. I know I have a tendency to end stories rather... unsatisfactorily. But this one is different -- this ending is supposed to be that way. It's not that I ran out of ideas.
Title: If you get the chance, listen to REM's song "Hollow Man" from their 2008 album Accelerate. (You can find the video on YouTube.) That song single-handedly revived an otherwise dead plotbunny. However, I do in fact have another inspiration as well: a poem from 1925 by T.S. Eliot called "The Hollow Men" -- I highly recommend that poem to anyone who likes a good thought-provoking poem.
Setting: This story is set in the manga timeline, immediately following chapter 167.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D. Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
"I'm overwhelmed, I'm on repeat. I'm emptied out, I'm incomplete. You trusted me, I want to show you, I don't want to be the hollow man.
Believe in me, believe in nothing; corner me and make me something. I've become the hollow man; have I become the hollow man I see?"
--REM, "Hollow Man" (2008)
"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper."
--T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" (1925)
"Hollow Man"
Of all the things Allen Walker had expected upon entering that darkened room filled with masked guards setting up a supernatural barrier, the very last thing he'd anticipated was to have his entire world deconstructed in a matter of moments. He had suspected that the man he'd called his father had had something to do with the Fourteenth Noah. He hadn't had the slightest inkling that everything he'd ever been and known had been in fact an elaborate lie. His source of strength in the darkest of times had always been Mana's love and the personal sanctity of the vow he'd made to Mana. To learn that even that love, the love that his entire existence was centered on, was false...
As he bid goodnight his friends Lenalee Lee and Johnny Gill, both of whom had waited patiently for his return from the meeting with Cross Marian, and with whom he had passed the wee hours of the evening and morning huddled on an old sofa, Allen paused by the window and studied the rain on the glass, illuminated by the morning sun. He was trying to sort through the vast emptiness that had opened up inside of himself. It was like the great chasm that was the English Channel, except that where the English Channel was full of turbulent waters, this was a gaping valley. Who was he really, besides the host of the Fourteenth? Had anyone, anyone, ever loved him? If Mana had lied to him from the start, could Allen ever believe that anyone else had ever cared for him?
He felt so empty now that he couldn't even summon up tears. At a time when even his Master probably wouldn't have blamed him for weeping, he couldn't break through the wall of ice that had built up within his heart. He was lost and he was numb. Suddenly, he couldn't fathom how anyone could love anyone so much anymore.
Allen... I love you... Those words, the last words Mana had said to him, rang in his mind. Those words, which had given Allen so much comfort and strength... were they a lie too?
Mana, did you ever see me for me? Or did you see your little brother in me? Did you know he was within me, is that why you adopted me? Or was it the Fourteenth's will that drew me to you? When you said that you loved me, did you mean me, or did you mean your brother? Did you ever really love me? Did you ever even see me? I need to know that the promise I made you meant anything at all. How can I keep fighting with all I have, if the Fourteenth is the only reason I ever lived?
And yet, his last hope was exhausted. The one person who had had the answers, had had the answers Allen didn't want to hear. He'd wanted to know he could trust Mana. Instead, he'd learned that Mana might not have ever truly loved him. How could he be expected to operate as normal, knowing everything he'd ever been had been an elaborate lie?
The sound of footsteps behind him brought him out of his wallowing misery; he knew that footfall very well. He stiffened his back, squaring his shoulders, and turned slightly to face the flaming mop of unruly russet hair that topped a black-cloaked figure of a young man with a simple patch over the right eye.
"Lavi," he said stiffly, in greeting. Obviously, the young bookman wasn't intimidated by what he'd heard; Allen had seen him in that room, slouched against the wall, his single green eye sweeping the room and taking everything in, committing it to his stone-tablet memory. Besides, Lavi had seen and endured worse, no doubt. Still, it was both a comfort, and a discomfort, knowing that someone who had come to know him so well now knew this most intimate secret. Allen himself had very nearly fallen apart in that room, and Lavi had borne witness to it all. No doubt he would be carving every last detail into his records.
"Allen, you look terrible," Lavi said gently. "You look like you haven't slept."
"I did. It wasn't terribly comfortable, as Lenalee was leaning on me most of the night, and Johnny was there as well, so it was all cramped. And Tim kept moving around, finding different spots to lay. But I did get some sleep. What about you?"
"Don't change the subject, Allen." The voice was still unbearably gentle. "You made even the great Cross Marian bow in acknowledgement of your plight."
"Pfft," Allen spat bitterly as Timcanpy came to land on his shoulder. "Master is just an actor. That's all."
"Allen." Again, that breathy, tender voice, caressing like a baby cloud... Why did Lavi have to do this? Why was he pouring salt on an open wound? "You're bitter. That's not like you, not at all."
"How would you know what I'm like?" Allen erupted. "Are you going to tell me that you're an expert on cursed teenage orphans with parasitic left arms and god-forsaken Noahs inside them?"
"So it does bother you." Still that whisper-soft voice. "So you do worry about the Fourteenth stealing your existence."
"You try it, Lavi! You try finding out that you've been lied to all this time. You try finding out that the person who raised you, the person you loved most in the world, the person you would have made a contract with the Earl in order to get back, the person you molded your entire life around, was lying to you and never loved you! You try it, and see how it feels!"
"Do you really believe that he never loved you? That he only saw the Fourteenth in you?" There was no patronization at all. Just pure inquiry. It made Allen's heart ache horribly. Was that all that Lavi saw in him? Just an anomaly to record? Something no other bookman had ever gotten a chance to get close to? Was this a matter of a bookman's selfish pride?
"What am I supposed to think? You tell me that, Lavi, if you're so knowledgeable and have seen so many things."
"I don't know what you think, Allen, and no one can tell you what you are 'supposed' to think or feel. Didn't you say that your vow to Mana was the most important thing, that you loved Mana, whether or not he loved you, and that you would honor that promise? Were you just trying to look good for your Master?"
"Shut up!" Allen raised an arm -- his right, though he didn't realize it at the time -- and Lavi caught him by the wrist.
"You think you've never been loved, is that it? You think that no one even likes you? You think we're all having a capital laugh at your expense?"
"Of course you are. I'm your enemy, even though I'm your ally. I want to destroy the Earl. Don't you? Oh, wait, I can't ask you that, since you're not a real Exorcist. You're a bookman. Just answer me this question, Lavi. Are you really my friend, or am I just your subject for study?"
Lavi blinked; "Allen?"
"Answer me!" The desperation was starting to unravel his mind. "When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see Allen Walker, or do you see the Future Fourteenth Noah, or the Destroyer of Time? What do you see?"
Lavi's eye closed briefly, before reopening. "What do I see? Right now, I see a hurt young man lashing out at the nearest person. But normally, what I see is a strong, capable Exorcist who would give his life for the cause of the Black Order. I see someone I admire, as a person. And yes, Allen, I see a friend. A very dear friend."
"Bookmen don't have friends," Allen said bitterly, looking away, "just sources."
"Are you asking Bookman Junior this question, or are you asking Lavi? Because if you're asking Lavi, the answer is what I just gave you."
Allen turned away physically, turning toward the window. There was a sense of sudden proximity, and then a pair of arms encircled him.
"You are loved, Allen." The voice crooned softly, tenderly into Allen's ear. Allen was powerless to resist it. "I am telling you this as Bookman Junior, who cannot lie outright. Bookman Junior can bluff and tell a half-truth or a misleading truth, but here I will tell you honestly: no matter what happened with you and Mana, you are loved now. You have a home here. You are loved, and those who love you will not give you up so easily. Those bonds are not so easily broken. Bookman Junior does not have a heart... but Lavi does. Don't let yourself get lost in the darkness. No matter how deep the hollow tunnel, you can still get out."
The arms released him and withdrew, and Allen turned, awestruck. But Lavi was already stalking away, and was soon lost in the shadows.
Just then, Timcanpy leaped up into the air and began swirling agitatedly. It was upset. With Allen following reluctantly behind it, it took off down a corridor.
Allen cast a glance back at the spot Lavi had vacated. He had felt so alone, so hollow... so lost. Lavi had given him something to stand on.
"Thanks, Lavi," he said softly, awkwardly into the empty darkness. "I... love you too."
Series: D.Gray-man
Type: One-shot
Genre: Mild angst, some drama, character exploration
Pairing: Lavi/Allen
Rating: All audiences
Summary: After learning about the Fourteenth Noah and Mana Walker, Allen starts to question his own reality; unable to watch Allen suffering so, Lavi tells him that despite everything, he is indeed loved.
Warnings: Spoilers for recent chapters, specifically chapters 165 through 167
Author's Note: This story is completely separate from any other fanfics I've written. It's entirely self-contained. Also, if the ending seems abrupt, it's meant to be that way. I know I have a tendency to end stories rather... unsatisfactorily. But this one is different -- this ending is supposed to be that way. It's not that I ran out of ideas.
Title: If you get the chance, listen to REM's song "Hollow Man" from their 2008 album Accelerate. (You can find the video on YouTube.) That song single-handedly revived an otherwise dead plotbunny. However, I do in fact have another inspiration as well: a poem from 1925 by T.S. Eliot called "The Hollow Men" -- I highly recommend that poem to anyone who likes a good thought-provoking poem.
Setting: This story is set in the manga timeline, immediately following chapter 167.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D. Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
"I'm overwhelmed, I'm on repeat. I'm emptied out, I'm incomplete. You trusted me, I want to show you, I don't want to be the hollow man.
Believe in me, believe in nothing; corner me and make me something. I've become the hollow man; have I become the hollow man I see?"
--REM, "Hollow Man" (2008)
"This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper."
--T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" (1925)
"Hollow Man"
Of all the things Allen Walker had expected upon entering that darkened room filled with masked guards setting up a supernatural barrier, the very last thing he'd anticipated was to have his entire world deconstructed in a matter of moments. He had suspected that the man he'd called his father had had something to do with the Fourteenth Noah. He hadn't had the slightest inkling that everything he'd ever been and known had been in fact an elaborate lie. His source of strength in the darkest of times had always been Mana's love and the personal sanctity of the vow he'd made to Mana. To learn that even that love, the love that his entire existence was centered on, was false...
As he bid goodnight his friends Lenalee Lee and Johnny Gill, both of whom had waited patiently for his return from the meeting with Cross Marian, and with whom he had passed the wee hours of the evening and morning huddled on an old sofa, Allen paused by the window and studied the rain on the glass, illuminated by the morning sun. He was trying to sort through the vast emptiness that had opened up inside of himself. It was like the great chasm that was the English Channel, except that where the English Channel was full of turbulent waters, this was a gaping valley. Who was he really, besides the host of the Fourteenth? Had anyone, anyone, ever loved him? If Mana had lied to him from the start, could Allen ever believe that anyone else had ever cared for him?
He felt so empty now that he couldn't even summon up tears. At a time when even his Master probably wouldn't have blamed him for weeping, he couldn't break through the wall of ice that had built up within his heart. He was lost and he was numb. Suddenly, he couldn't fathom how anyone could love anyone so much anymore.
Allen... I love you... Those words, the last words Mana had said to him, rang in his mind. Those words, which had given Allen so much comfort and strength... were they a lie too?
Mana, did you ever see me for me? Or did you see your little brother in me? Did you know he was within me, is that why you adopted me? Or was it the Fourteenth's will that drew me to you? When you said that you loved me, did you mean me, or did you mean your brother? Did you ever really love me? Did you ever even see me? I need to know that the promise I made you meant anything at all. How can I keep fighting with all I have, if the Fourteenth is the only reason I ever lived?
And yet, his last hope was exhausted. The one person who had had the answers, had had the answers Allen didn't want to hear. He'd wanted to know he could trust Mana. Instead, he'd learned that Mana might not have ever truly loved him. How could he be expected to operate as normal, knowing everything he'd ever been had been an elaborate lie?
The sound of footsteps behind him brought him out of his wallowing misery; he knew that footfall very well. He stiffened his back, squaring his shoulders, and turned slightly to face the flaming mop of unruly russet hair that topped a black-cloaked figure of a young man with a simple patch over the right eye.
"Lavi," he said stiffly, in greeting. Obviously, the young bookman wasn't intimidated by what he'd heard; Allen had seen him in that room, slouched against the wall, his single green eye sweeping the room and taking everything in, committing it to his stone-tablet memory. Besides, Lavi had seen and endured worse, no doubt. Still, it was both a comfort, and a discomfort, knowing that someone who had come to know him so well now knew this most intimate secret. Allen himself had very nearly fallen apart in that room, and Lavi had borne witness to it all. No doubt he would be carving every last detail into his records.
"Allen, you look terrible," Lavi said gently. "You look like you haven't slept."
"I did. It wasn't terribly comfortable, as Lenalee was leaning on me most of the night, and Johnny was there as well, so it was all cramped. And Tim kept moving around, finding different spots to lay. But I did get some sleep. What about you?"
"Don't change the subject, Allen." The voice was still unbearably gentle. "You made even the great Cross Marian bow in acknowledgement of your plight."
"Pfft," Allen spat bitterly as Timcanpy came to land on his shoulder. "Master is just an actor. That's all."
"Allen." Again, that breathy, tender voice, caressing like a baby cloud... Why did Lavi have to do this? Why was he pouring salt on an open wound? "You're bitter. That's not like you, not at all."
"How would you know what I'm like?" Allen erupted. "Are you going to tell me that you're an expert on cursed teenage orphans with parasitic left arms and god-forsaken Noahs inside them?"
"So it does bother you." Still that whisper-soft voice. "So you do worry about the Fourteenth stealing your existence."
"You try it, Lavi! You try finding out that you've been lied to all this time. You try finding out that the person who raised you, the person you loved most in the world, the person you would have made a contract with the Earl in order to get back, the person you molded your entire life around, was lying to you and never loved you! You try it, and see how it feels!"
"Do you really believe that he never loved you? That he only saw the Fourteenth in you?" There was no patronization at all. Just pure inquiry. It made Allen's heart ache horribly. Was that all that Lavi saw in him? Just an anomaly to record? Something no other bookman had ever gotten a chance to get close to? Was this a matter of a bookman's selfish pride?
"What am I supposed to think? You tell me that, Lavi, if you're so knowledgeable and have seen so many things."
"I don't know what you think, Allen, and no one can tell you what you are 'supposed' to think or feel. Didn't you say that your vow to Mana was the most important thing, that you loved Mana, whether or not he loved you, and that you would honor that promise? Were you just trying to look good for your Master?"
"Shut up!" Allen raised an arm -- his right, though he didn't realize it at the time -- and Lavi caught him by the wrist.
"You think you've never been loved, is that it? You think that no one even likes you? You think we're all having a capital laugh at your expense?"
"Of course you are. I'm your enemy, even though I'm your ally. I want to destroy the Earl. Don't you? Oh, wait, I can't ask you that, since you're not a real Exorcist. You're a bookman. Just answer me this question, Lavi. Are you really my friend, or am I just your subject for study?"
Lavi blinked; "Allen?"
"Answer me!" The desperation was starting to unravel his mind. "When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see Allen Walker, or do you see the Future Fourteenth Noah, or the Destroyer of Time? What do you see?"
Lavi's eye closed briefly, before reopening. "What do I see? Right now, I see a hurt young man lashing out at the nearest person. But normally, what I see is a strong, capable Exorcist who would give his life for the cause of the Black Order. I see someone I admire, as a person. And yes, Allen, I see a friend. A very dear friend."
"Bookmen don't have friends," Allen said bitterly, looking away, "just sources."
"Are you asking Bookman Junior this question, or are you asking Lavi? Because if you're asking Lavi, the answer is what I just gave you."
Allen turned away physically, turning toward the window. There was a sense of sudden proximity, and then a pair of arms encircled him.
"You are loved, Allen." The voice crooned softly, tenderly into Allen's ear. Allen was powerless to resist it. "I am telling you this as Bookman Junior, who cannot lie outright. Bookman Junior can bluff and tell a half-truth or a misleading truth, but here I will tell you honestly: no matter what happened with you and Mana, you are loved now. You have a home here. You are loved, and those who love you will not give you up so easily. Those bonds are not so easily broken. Bookman Junior does not have a heart... but Lavi does. Don't let yourself get lost in the darkness. No matter how deep the hollow tunnel, you can still get out."
The arms released him and withdrew, and Allen turned, awestruck. But Lavi was already stalking away, and was soon lost in the shadows.
Just then, Timcanpy leaped up into the air and began swirling agitatedly. It was upset. With Allen following reluctantly behind it, it took off down a corridor.
Allen cast a glance back at the spot Lavi had vacated. He had felt so alone, so hollow... so lost. Lavi had given him something to stand on.
"Thanks, Lavi," he said softly, awkwardly into the empty darkness. "I... love you too."