Fanfic: "Oculus Dexter"
Title: "Oculus Dexter"
Series: D.Gray-man
Type: One-shot
Genre: Character exploration (thus, general)
Characters: Lavi
Rating: All audiences
Summary: Trapped within a strange vacuum, Lavi is taunted by his own voice, which tells him the only way to escape is to use the eye he has forsworn.
Author's Note: This is a crackpot theory I've had in the back of my mind for a while, that got brought back to the front with the airing of D.Gray-man episode 86. It is most likely completely wrong, but it's something I've been stewing on for a while. This story isn't really set anywhere specific... though if I had to pick somewhere, I'd say it takes place within the Ark, when Road Kamelot has her way with Lavi's psyche. It kind of falls in before the scene in the underground waterway. I'm attempting a different kind of format here, a sort of dialogue-only format. It should be easy, based on formatting, to understand who's speaking, but as you will see, there isn't any real action, because I'm exploring the inner workings of Lavi's head, and I don't know anyone who mental narrates their own actions under most circumstances. Apologies to those who like a longer fic, but this doesn't really have any place beyond exposition.
The story's title "Oculus Dexter" means "Right Eye" in Latin, in case you were wondering. That's what the story is basically about, after all.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
Who are you?
I am... the successor of Bookman.
Who are you really?
I am Bookman Junior. That's all that I have ever been.
You lie. You were not always Bookman Junior.
I am Bookman Junior now. Any identity I ever had, anything I ever was, has been cast aside, has ceased to exist.
Are you not the Exorcist they call Lavi?
Some call me "Lavi" because that is my alias now. That is not who I am.
Then you are a living, breathing, ambulatory lie. All that you are, everything is a lie.
Who are you to judge me?
And do you feel no shame, fooling the others so?
I have my reasons. I am not the first, nor the last, to do this. Someone must do this, and I am the most gifted. I am observing from a convenient position; I am not interfering or manipulating events. I am a silent observer. I am a book-man, recording history as objectively as possible.
What does your Eye of the Past see?
My left eye sees all that is and has been. It sees and records these things. It sees details and stores them. Just as I found a single key from a mountain of copies, so can my eye and my memory commit to permanence any event.
And yet you cover your other eye?
That eye shall remain bound and sealed. There is no need to use it. But who are you, who dares -- nay, presumes -- to question me? Who are you to interrogate me so?
I am "you."
No, you cannot be me. I do not question myself thus.
You can deny me all you like; I am still "you."
Where am I? It is so dark, I cannot see a single solid thing. I can see shadows and movement, but there is nowhere to go. There is nothing in any direction but ground and dark air.
You are within "me," for I am also your key, your way out of this vacuum. I am with you as you stand there, and yet you cannot see me as you are.
You are everywhere and nowhere at once. I cannot see you, though I can see far into the distance in any direction. Your voice is right beside me, on all sides. You are not really here. You are inside my head.
You are right: I am everywhere and nowhere at once. I am inside your head. And yet, I am here, just as rightly as you are here, for you are inside your head as well. Your ears fool you. You cannot move forward or backward unless you can catch me. Your Eye of the Past cannot see me. You will stay here, in this space, until you can see me.
Why are you doing this?
Because I am you.
That is not an acceptable answer. I would never do this to anyone else, let alone myself. Answer me: why are you doing this?
Tell me, Bookman Junior. Does it not bother you? Do you not resent being so powerless, unable to help those who call you friend? Does it not bother you to be so worthless that you need even an old man's help in a fight, that you are so weak as to be a burden on your companions?
Who are you to call me worthless?
I am you, the you that knows you better than you do.
How... does that work? And you still have not answered my question of why you are doing this.
When that boy, Allen Walker, was destroyed, how did you feel? You watched as his Innocence was broken down and you know that his heart was pierced. How did you feel, knowing that he "died" all alone?
I... I felt nothing. It was not my fault he was in that position. There was nothing I could have done.
Do not lie to me. You do not believe that.
What could I have done? This is war -- we fight as best we can with what tools we have and what enemies face us. Hind-sight is always perfect.
And so is the sight of your Eye of the Future.
That is not true. If you are me, as you say you are, you should know that.
When that girl, Lenalee Lee, did not return to the ship, when she was lost to the depths of the ocean, how did you feel, knowing nothing you did would have helped? Knowing that she fought a powerful enemy all alone?
What more could I have done? I did all that I could -- my right eye could not have prevented any of that.. You say that you are "me" -- surely you know that there are limits to this right eye.
Did you not need the old man's help fighting the large Akuma? And did you not completely fail to damage it? And did not another Exorcist destroy that same Akuma with a single blow?
Are you not, in fact, the weakest of the lot? You, who could not even fight a Level Three without help, who could not land the slightest hit on any Noah... you who claims to have no need of others... did you not need help from others for every fight? Are you not the weakest link in the chain? Are you not a burden to your nakama? Do you honestly believe that your Eye of the Future could not have helped?
You fail to comprehend the abilities of my right eye. It is not omniscient, it cannot see all that will be. It can only see what may be, given the moment's criteria. Any one "future" is as mutable as a stream of water. At any one point, countless futures can be seen, some more visible and likely than others, but all it takes is an instant for those "futures" to disappear. The future is not finite, because it is a page not yet written, unlike the past, which is a page that has been written and the ink has dried.
If the future is so unmappable, then how can you see it?
Because I see all that might be, not what will be. The trick is filtering out what is most likely to be. But I cannot use both eyes at the same time without consequence. Just as I cannot look both left and right at the same time, I cannot process what is and what may be at the same time. And this is why I have sealed my right eye. You should know this, if you are me.
Then close your Eye of the Past. It will not help you here.
I will not. I have no need of it. It is of no help to a book-man.
You will die here.
No; I will find my own way out of here.
You cannot escape here, unless you can catch me; and you cannot see me to catch me, with just your left eye. Your Eye of the Past cannot see me.
I will make my own way out of here.
How do you plan to do that? You have very little time left.
I will find a way.
With your Eye of the Past, that sees only what is or what has been, not what may be or what will be, you cannot. Your Eye of the Past cannot break this spell.
You are losing consciousness. You are caught in a vacuum, no matter what it may look like. The lack of oxygen is starting to affect you.
I must not... I must not...
I will tell you this only once more: you cannot find me with your Eye of the Past.
If you are "me" as you say you are, why are you so keen to kill "me"? Are you not destroying yourself if you destroy me?
This was not my doing. And you cannot understand who and what I am unless you open your Eye of the Future. If you will cling to your Eye of the Past, then you will become mere ink on paper, a finished record, a closed book, lost to the past. You must open your right eye.
I... cannot... I must not... the temptation to use the prescience is too great. Using the eye too much angers the gods, and risks being struck blind. Or insane. I dare not ever open this eye again. If I do, I may lose my sight, and my sanity.
So you will let everything die here? You cannot breathe anymore. Your lungs are collapsing under the strain. Will you risk even blindness and insanity in order to continue to exist, or will you cling to an abstract curse?
I... I'm not done... I can still...
Just this once, boy, throw caution from you. Do not let it all end here!
Tell me who you are, truly, and why I cannot see you, why uncovering my other eye will allow me to see you.
I am "you" -- the "you" that might have been, and may yet be, but is not right now. I am both your future self and your future-past self, the self that might have been given other criteria. Your Eye of the Past is constrained by the fourth dimension; it cannot see me, because I do not exist yet. The exit from this vacuum does not exist either, and it will not exist until you have used it. Therefore, you will not be able to see it with an eye that can only process what is existent. You must break beyond the boundaries of reality and possibility.
I...
Just this once, Lavi, Bookman Junior, whoever you have decided you are... Just this once, you must open your eyes. See what is not truly in front of you.
Just this once.... I will trust you. I will, just this once, use it. I can no longer breathe at all. And I cannot die here. I cannot let my record end here.
I... I must use the eye. God forgive me, but I must use it...
END.
Series: D.Gray-man
Type: One-shot
Genre: Character exploration (thus, general)
Characters: Lavi
Rating: All audiences
Summary: Trapped within a strange vacuum, Lavi is taunted by his own voice, which tells him the only way to escape is to use the eye he has forsworn.
Author's Note: This is a crackpot theory I've had in the back of my mind for a while, that got brought back to the front with the airing of D.Gray-man episode 86. It is most likely completely wrong, but it's something I've been stewing on for a while. This story isn't really set anywhere specific... though if I had to pick somewhere, I'd say it takes place within the Ark, when Road Kamelot has her way with Lavi's psyche. It kind of falls in before the scene in the underground waterway. I'm attempting a different kind of format here, a sort of dialogue-only format. It should be easy, based on formatting, to understand who's speaking, but as you will see, there isn't any real action, because I'm exploring the inner workings of Lavi's head, and I don't know anyone who mental narrates their own actions under most circumstances. Apologies to those who like a longer fic, but this doesn't really have any place beyond exposition.
The story's title "Oculus Dexter" means "Right Eye" in Latin, in case you were wondering. That's what the story is basically about, after all.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
Who are you?
I am... the successor of Bookman.
Who are you really?
I am Bookman Junior. That's all that I have ever been.
You lie. You were not always Bookman Junior.
I am Bookman Junior now. Any identity I ever had, anything I ever was, has been cast aside, has ceased to exist.
Are you not the Exorcist they call Lavi?
Some call me "Lavi" because that is my alias now. That is not who I am.
Then you are a living, breathing, ambulatory lie. All that you are, everything is a lie.
Who are you to judge me?
And do you feel no shame, fooling the others so?
I have my reasons. I am not the first, nor the last, to do this. Someone must do this, and I am the most gifted. I am observing from a convenient position; I am not interfering or manipulating events. I am a silent observer. I am a book-man, recording history as objectively as possible.
What does your Eye of the Past see?
My left eye sees all that is and has been. It sees and records these things. It sees details and stores them. Just as I found a single key from a mountain of copies, so can my eye and my memory commit to permanence any event.
And yet you cover your other eye?
That eye shall remain bound and sealed. There is no need to use it. But who are you, who dares -- nay, presumes -- to question me? Who are you to interrogate me so?
I am "you."
No, you cannot be me. I do not question myself thus.
You can deny me all you like; I am still "you."
Where am I? It is so dark, I cannot see a single solid thing. I can see shadows and movement, but there is nowhere to go. There is nothing in any direction but ground and dark air.
You are within "me," for I am also your key, your way out of this vacuum. I am with you as you stand there, and yet you cannot see me as you are.
You are everywhere and nowhere at once. I cannot see you, though I can see far into the distance in any direction. Your voice is right beside me, on all sides. You are not really here. You are inside my head.
You are right: I am everywhere and nowhere at once. I am inside your head. And yet, I am here, just as rightly as you are here, for you are inside your head as well. Your ears fool you. You cannot move forward or backward unless you can catch me. Your Eye of the Past cannot see me. You will stay here, in this space, until you can see me.
Why are you doing this?
Because I am you.
That is not an acceptable answer. I would never do this to anyone else, let alone myself. Answer me: why are you doing this?
Tell me, Bookman Junior. Does it not bother you? Do you not resent being so powerless, unable to help those who call you friend? Does it not bother you to be so worthless that you need even an old man's help in a fight, that you are so weak as to be a burden on your companions?
Who are you to call me worthless?
I am you, the you that knows you better than you do.
How... does that work? And you still have not answered my question of why you are doing this.
When that boy, Allen Walker, was destroyed, how did you feel? You watched as his Innocence was broken down and you know that his heart was pierced. How did you feel, knowing that he "died" all alone?
I... I felt nothing. It was not my fault he was in that position. There was nothing I could have done.
Do not lie to me. You do not believe that.
What could I have done? This is war -- we fight as best we can with what tools we have and what enemies face us. Hind-sight is always perfect.
And so is the sight of your Eye of the Future.
That is not true. If you are me, as you say you are, you should know that.
When that girl, Lenalee Lee, did not return to the ship, when she was lost to the depths of the ocean, how did you feel, knowing nothing you did would have helped? Knowing that she fought a powerful enemy all alone?
What more could I have done? I did all that I could -- my right eye could not have prevented any of that.. You say that you are "me" -- surely you know that there are limits to this right eye.
Did you not need the old man's help fighting the large Akuma? And did you not completely fail to damage it? And did not another Exorcist destroy that same Akuma with a single blow?
Are you not, in fact, the weakest of the lot? You, who could not even fight a Level Three without help, who could not land the slightest hit on any Noah... you who claims to have no need of others... did you not need help from others for every fight? Are you not the weakest link in the chain? Are you not a burden to your nakama? Do you honestly believe that your Eye of the Future could not have helped?
You fail to comprehend the abilities of my right eye. It is not omniscient, it cannot see all that will be. It can only see what may be, given the moment's criteria. Any one "future" is as mutable as a stream of water. At any one point, countless futures can be seen, some more visible and likely than others, but all it takes is an instant for those "futures" to disappear. The future is not finite, because it is a page not yet written, unlike the past, which is a page that has been written and the ink has dried.
If the future is so unmappable, then how can you see it?
Because I see all that might be, not what will be. The trick is filtering out what is most likely to be. But I cannot use both eyes at the same time without consequence. Just as I cannot look both left and right at the same time, I cannot process what is and what may be at the same time. And this is why I have sealed my right eye. You should know this, if you are me.
Then close your Eye of the Past. It will not help you here.
I will not. I have no need of it. It is of no help to a book-man.
You will die here.
No; I will find my own way out of here.
You cannot escape here, unless you can catch me; and you cannot see me to catch me, with just your left eye. Your Eye of the Past cannot see me.
I will make my own way out of here.
How do you plan to do that? You have very little time left.
I will find a way.
With your Eye of the Past, that sees only what is or what has been, not what may be or what will be, you cannot. Your Eye of the Past cannot break this spell.
You are losing consciousness. You are caught in a vacuum, no matter what it may look like. The lack of oxygen is starting to affect you.
I must not... I must not...
I will tell you this only once more: you cannot find me with your Eye of the Past.
If you are "me" as you say you are, why are you so keen to kill "me"? Are you not destroying yourself if you destroy me?
This was not my doing. And you cannot understand who and what I am unless you open your Eye of the Future. If you will cling to your Eye of the Past, then you will become mere ink on paper, a finished record, a closed book, lost to the past. You must open your right eye.
I... cannot... I must not... the temptation to use the prescience is too great. Using the eye too much angers the gods, and risks being struck blind. Or insane. I dare not ever open this eye again. If I do, I may lose my sight, and my sanity.
So you will let everything die here? You cannot breathe anymore. Your lungs are collapsing under the strain. Will you risk even blindness and insanity in order to continue to exist, or will you cling to an abstract curse?
I... I'm not done... I can still...
Just this once, boy, throw caution from you. Do not let it all end here!
Tell me who you are, truly, and why I cannot see you, why uncovering my other eye will allow me to see you.
I am "you" -- the "you" that might have been, and may yet be, but is not right now. I am both your future self and your future-past self, the self that might have been given other criteria. Your Eye of the Past is constrained by the fourth dimension; it cannot see me, because I do not exist yet. The exit from this vacuum does not exist either, and it will not exist until you have used it. Therefore, you will not be able to see it with an eye that can only process what is existent. You must break beyond the boundaries of reality and possibility.
I...
Just this once, Lavi, Bookman Junior, whoever you have decided you are... Just this once, you must open your eyes. See what is not truly in front of you.
Just this once.... I will trust you. I will, just this once, use it. I can no longer breathe at all. And I cannot die here. I cannot let my record end here.
I... I must use the eye. God forgive me, but I must use it...
END.