Grandma
I haven't posted here in a long time... A lot has been happening... I'm having a really hard time processing a lot of it... And I figured maybe writing out some of my emotions might help a little...
My Grandma is dying. And for most people that's a "duh" statement - we're all dying. But she's dying of stage IV lung cancer that has metastasized. Its in her bones, her lungs, her lung cavities, her scalp... Two weeks ago when the official diagnosis came in she was hopeful that treatment would have her back on her feet before the summer, and she told her oncologist that he needed to get her well fast because she had white water rafting to do this summer. (Yes, my Grandma white water rafts - that's her spirit and her youthfulness and her love, its a good representation of her for those of you who haven't met her.)
A week ago she was slated to start chemo. Insurance was moving slowly. They pushed her start date back by a week. But HooHoo remained positive and was talking about all the things she's going to do in 2011.
Monday night she was rushed to the hospital for uncontrollable pain - they put her on morphine. Yesterday they did an MRI to see if that would determine what is causing her so much discomfort. Last night when I talked to my mom they were waiting on the doctor to come in and talk to them. I didn't hear anything else last night. My plan was to go visit this morning (and then the car broke down for the second time in less than a week) - so I called my mom to see if I should let Grandma know I wouldn't be down this morning. As soon as she answered the phone I could tell she'd been crying. I asked what was going on and my mom said, "I don't have the strength to tell you right now. I just can't do it." I told her not to try at that point, and she said she was composing an e-mail to let us all know what was going on. I did ask if it was worse than anticipated and she confirmed it was. I changed the subject when I heard her voice crack and just kept telling her how much I love her.
I called the hospital to let Grandma know I wouldn't be by today because I knew she was expecting to see me. Amy answered. Her voice was soft so I could tell something was up. Grandma was just laying down for a nap and didn't feel up to talking on the phone right now. I asked Amy to let her know that my car was broken but I'd figure out a way to see her tomorrow. Amy said she'd call me and let me know what's going on.
So I'm waiting. For an e-mail, a phone call, something... I hate knowing something serious is going on and not knowing WHAT.
UPDATE: News is not good. The MRI shows that the cancer has overtaken her spine and that's why her pain has become so severe. She is terminal. At this point we're looking at getting her comfortable. Her "fight" is disappearing because of all the pain. They're trying some new things today to decrease the pain, but only time will tell. Damn.
Its a weird spot to be in... Carrying a child, the future of my family, while losing people I love so much. We lost Phil's Grandfather a few months back and now HooHoo is struggling. Its just very confusing.
I know my family. I know we'll pull through this as a team. I know we're going to be okay. We've got a lot of love and a lot to live for! But my heart aches for each and every one of us because I know Grandma's pain is eating away at us. We'll get through together! We always do.
My Grandma is dying. And for most people that's a "duh" statement - we're all dying. But she's dying of stage IV lung cancer that has metastasized. Its in her bones, her lungs, her lung cavities, her scalp... Two weeks ago when the official diagnosis came in she was hopeful that treatment would have her back on her feet before the summer, and she told her oncologist that he needed to get her well fast because she had white water rafting to do this summer. (Yes, my Grandma white water rafts - that's her spirit and her youthfulness and her love, its a good representation of her for those of you who haven't met her.)
A week ago she was slated to start chemo. Insurance was moving slowly. They pushed her start date back by a week. But HooHoo remained positive and was talking about all the things she's going to do in 2011.
Monday night she was rushed to the hospital for uncontrollable pain - they put her on morphine. Yesterday they did an MRI to see if that would determine what is causing her so much discomfort. Last night when I talked to my mom they were waiting on the doctor to come in and talk to them. I didn't hear anything else last night. My plan was to go visit this morning (and then the car broke down for the second time in less than a week) - so I called my mom to see if I should let Grandma know I wouldn't be down this morning. As soon as she answered the phone I could tell she'd been crying. I asked what was going on and my mom said, "I don't have the strength to tell you right now. I just can't do it." I told her not to try at that point, and she said she was composing an e-mail to let us all know what was going on. I did ask if it was worse than anticipated and she confirmed it was. I changed the subject when I heard her voice crack and just kept telling her how much I love her.
I called the hospital to let Grandma know I wouldn't be by today because I knew she was expecting to see me. Amy answered. Her voice was soft so I could tell something was up. Grandma was just laying down for a nap and didn't feel up to talking on the phone right now. I asked Amy to let her know that my car was broken but I'd figure out a way to see her tomorrow. Amy said she'd call me and let me know what's going on.
So I'm waiting. For an e-mail, a phone call, something... I hate knowing something serious is going on and not knowing WHAT.
UPDATE: News is not good. The MRI shows that the cancer has overtaken her spine and that's why her pain has become so severe. She is terminal. At this point we're looking at getting her comfortable. Her "fight" is disappearing because of all the pain. They're trying some new things today to decrease the pain, but only time will tell. Damn.
Its a weird spot to be in... Carrying a child, the future of my family, while losing people I love so much. We lost Phil's Grandfather a few months back and now HooHoo is struggling. Its just very confusing.
I know my family. I know we'll pull through this as a team. I know we're going to be okay. We've got a lot of love and a lot to live for! But my heart aches for each and every one of us because I know Grandma's pain is eating away at us. We'll get through together! We always do.