(no subject)
I've been sitting here figuring out how to start this entry. I guess just dive right into lastnight would be a start.
"V, I thought I should call you to let you know that Stacy killed herself lastnight."
Everything after that was a blur. Apparently she drank an excessive amount, took some pills, then after everyone left she slit her wrists.
I didn't want to be alone lastnight. Not at first. I was though. Michelle had gone to visit Amanda. I had just gotten home from the movies not 30 mintues before. I listened to the story speechless. I hung up and dropped the phone to my side. I collapsed. Next thing I knew I was pouring out every last bit of alcohol I had. I threw away the rest of my pills. I then sat there and just cried. Another life taken that I feel responsible for. Another innocent girl who I brought into "the scene" and introduced her to all this.. shit. Drinking, drugs, and not caring about anything or anyone.. not even yourself.
I don't think anyone can ever know what kind of pain you feel when you see yourself as responsible for someone's life ending. What's worse is that this isn't the first time this has happened. I feel like, in some twisted way, I murdered these girls. I didn't do it with my own hands, but I gave then the tools to end their promising lives.. all in the name of a good time. I temporary fix.
I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore. I've lost so much and so many people that I can't continue to live like this. My own drinking and drug use has caused me to lose some of the most amazing people in my life. It has caused some of the worst memories in my life. It has hurt me as well as those I love more than anything. I have come so close to losing everything because of it. I can't let this happen. It has to end now.
I would write more.. but I'm getting pretty upset and I don't want to be like this in the middle of a fucking library. Just know, things will change. I will make them change.
V
"V, I thought I should call you to let you know that Stacy killed herself lastnight."
Everything after that was a blur. Apparently she drank an excessive amount, took some pills, then after everyone left she slit her wrists.
I didn't want to be alone lastnight. Not at first. I was though. Michelle had gone to visit Amanda. I had just gotten home from the movies not 30 mintues before. I listened to the story speechless. I hung up and dropped the phone to my side. I collapsed. Next thing I knew I was pouring out every last bit of alcohol I had. I threw away the rest of my pills. I then sat there and just cried. Another life taken that I feel responsible for. Another innocent girl who I brought into "the scene" and introduced her to all this.. shit. Drinking, drugs, and not caring about anything or anyone.. not even yourself.
I don't think anyone can ever know what kind of pain you feel when you see yourself as responsible for someone's life ending. What's worse is that this isn't the first time this has happened. I feel like, in some twisted way, I murdered these girls. I didn't do it with my own hands, but I gave then the tools to end their promising lives.. all in the name of a good time. I temporary fix.
I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore. I've lost so much and so many people that I can't continue to live like this. My own drinking and drug use has caused me to lose some of the most amazing people in my life. It has caused some of the worst memories in my life. It has hurt me as well as those I love more than anything. I have come so close to losing everything because of it. I can't let this happen. It has to end now.
I would write more.. but I'm getting pretty upset and I don't want to be like this in the middle of a fucking library. Just know, things will change. I will make them change.
V