a mid summer reflection.
so i figure. i should not be that really creepy kid who just reads her friend's page ever day in a stalker type manner. haha just kidding. i should actually post something of some sort of interest. or futhermore. something meaningful, something insightful, something that is worth reading. maybe.
so summer.
lets see.
it has been just short of terrible. it had the potential for being a very big money making summer. which would have been a good thing, seeing how my long term savings fund could have grown... tremendously. but no, i got screwed over for work. i have just enough to pay the bills and to put gas in my car. the end. i hate how the concept of money is making my summer miserable, but to be realistic, i need money. i know that i have always held on tight to the idea of "well even if i am broke then i will be happy... i would rather have happiness than money" but to tell you the truth i am not happy at the moment. and some of my unhappiness does stem from the frustration over financial matters... i wanted to save up enough money so i could be all set to move out next summer... and live in burlington... i wanted enough money so i could never have to ask money from my parents because i hate asking people for money. i hate how i need to depend on my parents for money. i hate it so much. i just want that independence and security in knowing that no matter what i will be able to support myself. but that's not the case. and the fact that i am not going to be able to reach that goal IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF. and making me frustrated. so frustrated. which is why i am not happy to be home because i am not getting to the point of where i want to be. and i truly believe that if i was anywhere BUT HERE i could get to where i wanted to be. but no. i am stuck with idle time and becoming a waste. I HATE IDLE TIME. i am at a point in my life where i am restless beyond belief, and craving for change... i know that everything comes in due time. but wow, i have never felt this much need to move on. i don't know if my senses are just fucked or if i am so delusional about making changes, but something is up, and i am feeling the need to just get out... move on... grow... and learn.
and in retrospect, summer is just a short period of time. i have exactly a month till i move out again. i mean, that's the nice thing about time. it never stalls. it always moves on... and even though i am not happy to be home, i do enjoy the company of my friends. i enjoy it a lot. even though i want to move away from here, i know that it will not matter if there are many miles between myself and the people i truly care for; i know that nothing will change. because true friends just pick up from where they left off... they know that they don't have to call each other every day. they know that they don't have to see each other ever day. they just know that deep down in their hearts there will always be room. end of story.
i haven't done most of the things that i wanted to do this summer. i did get to vermont though and i spent some lovely time at 239 s. prostect... much <3 to that casa. i still haven't visited the lovely caylin capra thomas. i have only gone to the beach once. i haven't visited my aunt in maine since she has bought a trailer up there. and that was... almost 3 years ago. i will probably not be able to visit mike in new york. which sucks. because i really wanted to because i never see him anymore and i feel that it is about time that my brother and i actually start acting like brother and sister... we have spent way too long being too far apart, and that needs to change. but because my work schedule is so... sporadic... it wouldn't make sense for me to take time off when i don't get a lot of time to begin with. i might go up to north conway with jaim and family... but depending on my work schedule... it might not happen either. i'd like to go to water country, but then again, it probably just won't fit in. i don't forsee myself attending any concerts this summer... but that's ok becaus the flaming lips and the disco biscuits are coming up to uvm in september and those shows will be absolutly amazing. i probably won't have my yearly summer party (sorry guys) and i have no intentions of celebrating my birthday in any extravagant (or in any) way, because i just put in to work that night... that's how much i need hours. haha i told my mom not to even get a cake... 19 isn't really that important anyways. why celebrate for such a bland age? it isn't worth the time and the money. haha.
so in a nutshell. that has been my summer thusfar. one month till i go back to vermont, where there will be a new set of textbooks to color in with highlighters, word documents to fill with bull shit, jobs to be found, apartments to be found, and probably some new worries to be found. but at least i will be doing something... because idle time kills.
have a lovely one kids.
peace, and much love.
i'm out.
so summer.
lets see.
it has been just short of terrible. it had the potential for being a very big money making summer. which would have been a good thing, seeing how my long term savings fund could have grown... tremendously. but no, i got screwed over for work. i have just enough to pay the bills and to put gas in my car. the end. i hate how the concept of money is making my summer miserable, but to be realistic, i need money. i know that i have always held on tight to the idea of "well even if i am broke then i will be happy... i would rather have happiness than money" but to tell you the truth i am not happy at the moment. and some of my unhappiness does stem from the frustration over financial matters... i wanted to save up enough money so i could be all set to move out next summer... and live in burlington... i wanted enough money so i could never have to ask money from my parents because i hate asking people for money. i hate how i need to depend on my parents for money. i hate it so much. i just want that independence and security in knowing that no matter what i will be able to support myself. but that's not the case. and the fact that i am not going to be able to reach that goal IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF. and making me frustrated. so frustrated. which is why i am not happy to be home because i am not getting to the point of where i want to be. and i truly believe that if i was anywhere BUT HERE i could get to where i wanted to be. but no. i am stuck with idle time and becoming a waste. I HATE IDLE TIME. i am at a point in my life where i am restless beyond belief, and craving for change... i know that everything comes in due time. but wow, i have never felt this much need to move on. i don't know if my senses are just fucked or if i am so delusional about making changes, but something is up, and i am feeling the need to just get out... move on... grow... and learn.
and in retrospect, summer is just a short period of time. i have exactly a month till i move out again. i mean, that's the nice thing about time. it never stalls. it always moves on... and even though i am not happy to be home, i do enjoy the company of my friends. i enjoy it a lot. even though i want to move away from here, i know that it will not matter if there are many miles between myself and the people i truly care for; i know that nothing will change. because true friends just pick up from where they left off... they know that they don't have to call each other every day. they know that they don't have to see each other ever day. they just know that deep down in their hearts there will always be room. end of story.
i haven't done most of the things that i wanted to do this summer. i did get to vermont though and i spent some lovely time at 239 s. prostect... much <3 to that casa. i still haven't visited the lovely caylin capra thomas. i have only gone to the beach once. i haven't visited my aunt in maine since she has bought a trailer up there. and that was... almost 3 years ago. i will probably not be able to visit mike in new york. which sucks. because i really wanted to because i never see him anymore and i feel that it is about time that my brother and i actually start acting like brother and sister... we have spent way too long being too far apart, and that needs to change. but because my work schedule is so... sporadic... it wouldn't make sense for me to take time off when i don't get a lot of time to begin with. i might go up to north conway with jaim and family... but depending on my work schedule... it might not happen either. i'd like to go to water country, but then again, it probably just won't fit in. i don't forsee myself attending any concerts this summer... but that's ok becaus the flaming lips and the disco biscuits are coming up to uvm in september and those shows will be absolutly amazing. i probably won't have my yearly summer party (sorry guys) and i have no intentions of celebrating my birthday in any extravagant (or in any) way, because i just put in to work that night... that's how much i need hours. haha i told my mom not to even get a cake... 19 isn't really that important anyways. why celebrate for such a bland age? it isn't worth the time and the money. haha.
so in a nutshell. that has been my summer thusfar. one month till i go back to vermont, where there will be a new set of textbooks to color in with highlighters, word documents to fill with bull shit, jobs to be found, apartments to be found, and probably some new worries to be found. but at least i will be doing something... because idle time kills.
have a lovely one kids.
peace, and much love.
i'm out.