Cookie Dough (PG/K+)
Title: Cookie Dough
Author: Kat Lee
Characters/Pairing: Spike/Buffy with cameos from the Scoobies, Giles, and Faith
Rating: PG/K+
Challenge/Prompt: SB_Fag_Ends: I Wish I Was, I Wish You Were Here
Word Count: 1,166
Warnings: Episode-centric taking place right at the end of the televised series
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners, not the author.
She looks down into the crater where the town had been that had served as her home for several years and had become more of a home than LA had ever been to her. She looks down through tears misting in her green eyes. Her thoughts are still fumbling over one another, a million thoughts and memories zipping through her mind with only one pushing out above all the rest for dominance.
Her bottom lip trembles. She feels the presence of her friends, but there's one whose absence she feels far more strongly. First one tear and then another slips down her face. She wishes he could have been here to see this. She wishes he could have known the sacrifice he was making would save them all.
She doesn't realize she's spoken aloud until she feels Giles move up beside her. He doesn't speak, but she can feel him looking down at her intently and all Watcherly and knows he's wanting to say something to comfort her but has yet to find the words that actually will. She doesn't think anything can comfort her or that anything will ever be okay again. Surely, nothing will ever be the same.
A small hand slips into hers, a hand that belongs to a sister she never had and yet does have. A sister and a best friend whose heart has been ripped apart by their greatest sacrifice as well. Dawn looks up at her through her own tears and says softly, "He knows, Buffy."
What does he know? Buffy wonders. He told her at the end that he knew she didn't love him but thanked her for trying to. How could she not love him? she wonders now. What she felt for him was stronger than the passion she and Angel had shared by far, and yet . . . Yet, she never once stopped using him, and she knows if he was here with them now, she'd only want to get out of him what she could.
There can be only one. She's heard that line so many times since she turned sixteen and again she wonders just what all it means. There's only one Slayer. Bull. Now there's hundreds, possibly thousands. But there had only been intended to be one. That one was her, and although she now shared her calling with countless girls she didn't even know, she knew she had been supposed to be alone all this time.
She was supposed to be alone, but she wasn't. She had been blessed with a Watcher who had always done his best to be there for her, going above and beyond the Council's boring, stiff, and heartless protocol. She had best friends who had been there for and with her through everything. She had a sister who had never been born into her family and yet was as much a Summers as she. She had had Spike, and Angel, but she had never fully loved either. She remembers telling Angel she was cookie dough and recalls again the fear that she hadn't told him -- that she would never finish baking, that because she was meant to be alone, she couldn't love.
More tears fall from her eyes. Dawn grips her hand and squeezes her. "He knows," she insists, and then she finally tells her what he knows. "He knows that you would have loved him if you could. He knows that he saved you, me, all of us. He knows what he did, and he knows that you're missing him and that you wish there had been another way."
"Any other way," she whispers. Any other way that they all could have lived, all of them but Spike.
"He knows what you'd want to say to him if he was here."
Does he? she wonders, blinking through her tears as she continues to stare at the crater as though there's some chance he might somehow rise from it and come to her again. What would she say if she could see him again? Would she tell him once more that she loves him? Does she love him? Can she love him? There are so many thoughts, so many questions racing through her mind, and she doesn't have the answer for any of them.
She feels an arm sling over her shoulders. "The kid's right, B. I don't wanna sound all Hallmarky crap and everything, but he knows and he's always gonna be here."
Dawn smiles at Faith through the tears that are misting her own brown eyes. "She's right, you know." She raises her voice so that Xander can hear her, too, for she knows he's hurting and missing his better half as well (although she still thinks Anya wasn't his better half). "They're all always going to be with us."
She thinks of the kids she knew in school and wonders how many of them made it out alive before Hell burst open. She thinks of Willow's parents and Xander's family and wishes she knew what God to thank that they managed to persuade them to leave early without them, although it hadn't taking much on Xander's part. His family had never really loved him -- not like Anya had, not like they all did --, but she knew he'd miss them if they hadn't lived just like she missed the mother she hadn't had but yet had.
"Kid's right," Faith says again, and then her voice drops to a whisper, "I think about the Mayor every day."
"And you'll do more than think of Spike every day," Dawn adds, squeezing Buffy's hand again. "You'll love and miss him every day."
The conversation turns to talking about what's next on their agenda, but Buffy can barely hear her friends, her family. She's still too busy wondering if she ever could have loved Spike when she finally turns around to leave with them. Buffy. She whips back around, but there's still nothing there but a giant hole in the ground. I love you.
It's not Spike. He's not a ghost. He's not haunting her. But it certainly does sound like his voice. She knows, too, that it's what he would tell her if he could. He did love her; he had done everything he could for her. And as she mounts the bus to leave, she thinks again how much she would have liked to have been able to give him more, not just to save him but to truly give him her heart as well, to have loved the man and the Vampire who would have done anything for her and who did give everything.
I love you, too, Spike, she thinks as they pull out, but yet she wonders, all the while, how much she's lying to him again, how much she's lying to herself. She is cookie dough, and she knows now she'll never stop baking. She'll never stop baking, and she'll never stop missing the man who could have perhaps finally made her done.
The End
Author: Kat Lee
Characters/Pairing: Spike/Buffy with cameos from the Scoobies, Giles, and Faith
Rating: PG/K+
Challenge/Prompt: SB_Fag_Ends: I Wish I Was, I Wish You Were Here
Word Count: 1,166
Warnings: Episode-centric taking place right at the end of the televised series
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners, not the author.
She looks down into the crater where the town had been that had served as her home for several years and had become more of a home than LA had ever been to her. She looks down through tears misting in her green eyes. Her thoughts are still fumbling over one another, a million thoughts and memories zipping through her mind with only one pushing out above all the rest for dominance.
Her bottom lip trembles. She feels the presence of her friends, but there's one whose absence she feels far more strongly. First one tear and then another slips down her face. She wishes he could have been here to see this. She wishes he could have known the sacrifice he was making would save them all.
She doesn't realize she's spoken aloud until she feels Giles move up beside her. He doesn't speak, but she can feel him looking down at her intently and all Watcherly and knows he's wanting to say something to comfort her but has yet to find the words that actually will. She doesn't think anything can comfort her or that anything will ever be okay again. Surely, nothing will ever be the same.
A small hand slips into hers, a hand that belongs to a sister she never had and yet does have. A sister and a best friend whose heart has been ripped apart by their greatest sacrifice as well. Dawn looks up at her through her own tears and says softly, "He knows, Buffy."
What does he know? Buffy wonders. He told her at the end that he knew she didn't love him but thanked her for trying to. How could she not love him? she wonders now. What she felt for him was stronger than the passion she and Angel had shared by far, and yet . . . Yet, she never once stopped using him, and she knows if he was here with them now, she'd only want to get out of him what she could.
There can be only one. She's heard that line so many times since she turned sixteen and again she wonders just what all it means. There's only one Slayer. Bull. Now there's hundreds, possibly thousands. But there had only been intended to be one. That one was her, and although she now shared her calling with countless girls she didn't even know, she knew she had been supposed to be alone all this time.
She was supposed to be alone, but she wasn't. She had been blessed with a Watcher who had always done his best to be there for her, going above and beyond the Council's boring, stiff, and heartless protocol. She had best friends who had been there for and with her through everything. She had a sister who had never been born into her family and yet was as much a Summers as she. She had had Spike, and Angel, but she had never fully loved either. She remembers telling Angel she was cookie dough and recalls again the fear that she hadn't told him -- that she would never finish baking, that because she was meant to be alone, she couldn't love.
More tears fall from her eyes. Dawn grips her hand and squeezes her. "He knows," she insists, and then she finally tells her what he knows. "He knows that you would have loved him if you could. He knows that he saved you, me, all of us. He knows what he did, and he knows that you're missing him and that you wish there had been another way."
"Any other way," she whispers. Any other way that they all could have lived, all of them but Spike.
"He knows what you'd want to say to him if he was here."
Does he? she wonders, blinking through her tears as she continues to stare at the crater as though there's some chance he might somehow rise from it and come to her again. What would she say if she could see him again? Would she tell him once more that she loves him? Does she love him? Can she love him? There are so many thoughts, so many questions racing through her mind, and she doesn't have the answer for any of them.
She feels an arm sling over her shoulders. "The kid's right, B. I don't wanna sound all Hallmarky crap and everything, but he knows and he's always gonna be here."
Dawn smiles at Faith through the tears that are misting her own brown eyes. "She's right, you know." She raises her voice so that Xander can hear her, too, for she knows he's hurting and missing his better half as well (although she still thinks Anya wasn't his better half). "They're all always going to be with us."
She thinks of the kids she knew in school and wonders how many of them made it out alive before Hell burst open. She thinks of Willow's parents and Xander's family and wishes she knew what God to thank that they managed to persuade them to leave early without them, although it hadn't taking much on Xander's part. His family had never really loved him -- not like Anya had, not like they all did --, but she knew he'd miss them if they hadn't lived just like she missed the mother she hadn't had but yet had.
"Kid's right," Faith says again, and then her voice drops to a whisper, "I think about the Mayor every day."
"And you'll do more than think of Spike every day," Dawn adds, squeezing Buffy's hand again. "You'll love and miss him every day."
The conversation turns to talking about what's next on their agenda, but Buffy can barely hear her friends, her family. She's still too busy wondering if she ever could have loved Spike when she finally turns around to leave with them. Buffy. She whips back around, but there's still nothing there but a giant hole in the ground. I love you.
It's not Spike. He's not a ghost. He's not haunting her. But it certainly does sound like his voice. She knows, too, that it's what he would tell her if he could. He did love her; he had done everything he could for her. And as she mounts the bus to leave, she thinks again how much she would have liked to have been able to give him more, not just to save him but to truly give him her heart as well, to have loved the man and the Vampire who would have done anything for her and who did give everything.
I love you, too, Spike, she thinks as they pull out, but yet she wonders, all the while, how much she's lying to him again, how much she's lying to herself. She is cookie dough, and she knows now she'll never stop baking. She'll never stop baking, and she'll never stop missing the man who could have perhaps finally made her done.
The End