A series of day journals. [Weird story...]
It's quiet today.
Everything is still.
The dress still hangs, barely visible, from behind the door. I reach to touch it. It's soft.
Memories envelop me. With eyes closed, I hear the sound of the piano. The melody was something we had composed together. We played it everyday. Always at the same place. The place we first met. The place where trees hid us and we were entirely alone. You would always be playing when I came. Then I would finish it with you.
Until you left one day.
* * *
I stand alone on the sand. The sun has disappeared so it's dark. But I can't sleep. It's so cold. It's always cold now.
The waves lap the shore. I watch them come and leave ever so quickly. They are but a short interval in my life. A brief meeting, no more. Like I was to you.
Raising my eyes, I seek comfort in the dancing fireflies forever captured in the inky sky. But no matter how wonderful the sight, I will never be able to forget.
There are millions of stars above, watching. There are so many of them, each could represent a memory. Some happier than others, shining brighter. Yet the deepest one lies lodged in my heart.
Painfully stubborn, it constantly beleaguers me with relentless rose thorns. I am unable to ignore it. I can only learn to live with it.
A sliver of light appears on the eastern horizon. As it gradually expands to fill the sky with light, the dark fades away. The black sea turns crimson, then gold. Everything is bathed in pure yellow. Yet my shadow is cast out long behind me.
It's breathtaking, but like our happiness together, it's shortlived.
As the sun appears, I write a letter on the sand.
But I must hurry.
Time is running out.
* * *
The sun is beating down on the grass today, so it's warm enough to lie down in. The morning dew has long dissipitated, returning back to the sky. The trees rise tall around me.
"Guarding sentinels", you once called them. And so they are. Ever watchful. They're ancient. Wise and protective.
A rustle sounds and turning around, I find a small bird fallen from its nest. It's vulnerable and unable to climb back up. Taking it gently, I scale the tree, its strong eternal limbs leading the pathway.
Upon reaching the nest, I realize it's the one we saw from when the egg was still unhatched. The orphan egg, its parents fallen in an attempt to secure the safety of their baby. You had driven off the opponent with an armful of perfectly aimed stones, flinging fear deep into the heart of the enemy.
I still remember.
Placing the birdling back, I descend.
Staring up into the tree, my eyes fill with tears. It's been a while now that you've gone. But I can't move on.
The heat is becoming intense. I fall to the ground, seeking solace in the green blades. Butterflies flutter close, settling at my fingertips. I don't move, I've lost all spirit to move. I feel lifeless.
Exhaustion lingers at the edge of my consciousness, and I surrender. Closing my eyes, I succumb. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. It's been too long.
I wish I can see you again.
* * *
Everything is lost. Even the quiet solitude and secrecy of the place we first met has evaded me. I've been robbed of smiles, sleep and even silence. But most of all, I've lost all hope of seeing you again.
When will you come back? Are you even going to return?
I must perservere. It's difficult, but I will do so. I promised you once, in our early days, that no matter what happens to separate us, I must continue on. A promise is a promise. No more, no less. Lifebounding.
And so I will struggle.
Scintillating drops of water fall in a rich endless cascade of red. Shadows haunt the edges of sunlight patches, possessive, revelling in the black glory of victory against the diminishing light. A chorus of birds sound, their mournful notes casting long into the air. It is threatening, and tempting.
But I promised.
To continue on, I must move on. And to move on, I must forget you. I'm sorry.
Taking a step towards the light, I carefully place the dark memories behind me. It's the past. I must look towards the future. Because the future holds bright opportunities. I must learn to let go of the past and search for the future.
And when you come back, if you ever come back, I will uncover those memories again. I'm sorry.
* * *
It's difficult. But I'm trying. I've partially returned to the light of the life I led before I met you. It's far more harder than I thought when I made the resolution. But I will continue.
The sun shines ever so brightly today. It's warm radiance stretches to fill me with hope. Hope that I can become what I want to be. Somewhere, at the other end of this long and tedious path, I will encounter success. And I will, by then, be ready to recieve it.
But I still, am, and always will miss you.
It is only that one small shard of sorrow hindering my life. But I don't wish for it to be gone. I rather remember it because it also serves as a memory of the happiness you shed into my life.
I'm grateful for what you have shown me and for that I thank you.
The sun is climbing higher into the sky. I must follow it and reach further goals. I must extend my limits until I have achieved success.
And I will always remember you.
* * *
The amount of tears I shed each day has reduced slightly, and I am happy to have achieved this.
As I stand, looking out over the glistening pool of still water, a rainbow of such intensity forms, I feel as though the brightness of it has somehow found a way into my soul.
It seems like the dark cloud enshrining my identity has lightened and although I'm afraid, I will embrace the world in front of me with a smile. I understand that this world is not perfect, nor will it ever be. The light will forever war with the dark. Happiness will not live eternally. Hope can be extinguished like a weak candle flame.
But if I do not take the first step, I will be caught here, prisoner of tears, sadness and hopelessness. For even in an imperfect world, there is a small essence of hope. You were the very element of hope.
I will always wait for you, but at the same time, I will move on.
* * *
My heartbeat is fast. And loud. I close my eyes, counting slowly, then gradually open them again. It's still there.
A message inscribed on the broad, sturdy tree. The very same tree.
Dare I believe...?
I know for certain it was not there before. I come to this tree every day, tracing our names with a finger. And yet, under our names, a message...
When...?
The very element of hope begins to rekindle within me. I reach to touch it. I need substantial evidence to tell me I am not dreaming or hallucinating.
The marked wood ridges lie before me, greeting my touch with a sense of happiness.
"i'm sorry"
Two words, no more. True, it is something so little, yet it provides enough to hope again.
I can only hope it truly was you...
* * *
Your second message. The necklace. A harmonic piece of intertwining stars framed against the moon. I remember when we designed it, sitting on the beach, sketching our hearts together in the sand.
It does not offer an explanation as to where you disappeared and why, yet it does offer condolences. It shows me you chose to continue to remember at least.
It's easier, far easier to move on now. Especially when I can look forward to you new message everyday. You haven't changed at all. You still keep me waiting, but that's why I missed you. Because you didn't give me a reason to wait.
The moon shines brightly today, a fragment of light positioned carefully in the dark art of the nightsky. And I know that wherever you are, we will be looking up at the same moon.
I miss you.
I remember when you first told me about the stars, weaving magical tales.
I'll wait.
* * *
A crystal leaf. Symbolic of new life. Hard evidence and proof. Clarity on one side, reflecting sections of confusion on the other. And you placed it with the clarity on the bottom.
At least after this long wait things will be finally cleared up. Hopefully.
I turn it over in my hand, its smooth coldness resting. I am almost tempted to smash it and search for the answer within every fragment. But to do that will shatter the reason for the wait. And the crystal leaf is something worth keeping. Its value to me is not in money, but as a connection to you.
I raise it to the sky, the startlingly bright future of blue spreading into the corners of the leaf, as though solidifying. In the uppermost corner, the sun lingers, its rays sharpened and bending to coat the crystal.
Its perfect brilliance tells me it could only have been done by you. No other could understand me so well. Well enough to read me in total silence.
I will treasure it along with the others, a freshly crafted memory among layers of older ones, much like the soft threads of clouds, overlaying.
* * *
Protected in a windless area, a candle. Lit. Wave after wave of confusion shakes me to the very core, until a trickling of understanding seeps through. When the candle is finished...
Again, you never fail to make me wait. Only this time, you encase an element of surprise. And you finally woke up the impatience inside me. But I dare not hurry the flame, for "changing fate brings disasters" was what you once said. And what you say I will never forget.
And so I wait.
The flame strong and steady, willful. "Patience is a virtue".
The scent evaporating from it is a sweet sakura and strawberry mix. Again, something only you could have done. Only you would know me that well. That perfectly.
I close my eyes and let the aroma wrap around me, cocooning me, hiding me from the rest of the world.
Sometimes impatience isn't so bad after all.
* * *
You taught me how to smile. You taught me how to wait. You taught me how to hope. And you taught me how to love.
You showed me what happiness was. Gave me warmth. Told me how to stay strong...
You count the stars like you used to. You take me along the beach like before, the warm sand curling under the waves.
I missed you.
You explained everything, told me where you went, why you went. And you told me the truth.
Thank you.