In a nutshell.
I thought I could handle this. I thought I could deal with living with these people. I thought I could focus on my school work and not worry so much about socializing, drama, partying, just spending my time reading and writing.
Boy, I was wrong. I miss it all. Not exactly what I had at home, but people. People that know me, understand me, agree with me, hug me, call me, listen to me, care about me. That's not what I have here. And that's ok, to a point. I'm learning more about dealing with people in the last 5 months than I ever did in the 18 years I lived in Easton. But I think I'm done. The idea of travel, independence and new people excites me more and more. I'm not getting this at all here. There's so much politics involved in coming to a brand new school. One that's failing too. I hate to say it, admitt that maybe I made a mistake. No, it wasn't a mistake, but I'm done.
I'm done with TV, it's something I hardly watched at home and now I can't get enough of it. So sad, because it's so annoying. I never had TV growing up and now it seems I'm making up for all the hours I could have spent as a zombie in front of it but instead spent naked in my backyard playing indians with Kiki Shannahan. Nice. I'm gaining weight, I might be depressed, or I might just be bored out of my mind, but I eat too much here. I try to exercise, but I get so bored. I'm always bored, bored, bored. Jade can't give me what I want, whatever it is that I want from a friend, and Jeff is so fucking weird and islolated I get pissed off at him for not spending more time with me, and that's just not right.
Lets just face the facts, the school is sucking, Berry Hill is losing money and can't pay anyone, no one gives a shit about any part of this place and Tamara just keeps floating along in La La land thinking everything is splendid and that she can't do any wrong.
It's all such bullshit.
I miss:
Driving everyday. I know it sounds stupid, but I love to drive, and sometimes I drive into town just to drive.
Someone to talk to. No one seems to be noticing that I'm gone, except Gabby and every now and then someone will ask me how school is, but then that's the end of the conversation. I'm so use to having someone, anyone, at anytime, to be able to call and out here with no reception, I got nothing.
Human Contact. I love hugging, touching, kissing, cuddling, holding hands. There's none of that here. I find myself so hungry for contact sometimes, it hurts. Conservatives are cold hearted assholes, I've decided.
Food. Oh, there's food here. But come oonnn. The same god damn menu for five months? My body is not happy. Actually, at the moment there isn't any food, since Berry Hill can't afford half the stuff that they're suppose to serve.
I must say, one thing I have learned is what I don't want to be. It's always easier to know what you don't want. I just wish I could figure out what I'd want and who I'd want to be. Not the person I'd be if I stayed here much longer.
I'll stick it out until the end of the semester. It's worthless to leave now.
I just can't figure out why I'm still here, why I'm attached to this ridiculous place. Am I really as attached to the people as I think? I barely even like them. Sad but true. The workers are finally accepting me as a normal human being and not as a spoiled brat going to school here to make their life a living hell. Jade, Nike and Mike I won't miss. I can't help but feel attached to Jeff, since I've shared so much with him. But I have to back off, because in all honesty, he just doesn't get it. He's not what I want. He's not someone I should be attached to. He's taught me a lot, but I think I'm done with having my heart put in a blender. Corny, but true.
Fuck.
And now that I've completely depressed myself, I need to read.
Boy, I was wrong. I miss it all. Not exactly what I had at home, but people. People that know me, understand me, agree with me, hug me, call me, listen to me, care about me. That's not what I have here. And that's ok, to a point. I'm learning more about dealing with people in the last 5 months than I ever did in the 18 years I lived in Easton. But I think I'm done. The idea of travel, independence and new people excites me more and more. I'm not getting this at all here. There's so much politics involved in coming to a brand new school. One that's failing too. I hate to say it, admitt that maybe I made a mistake. No, it wasn't a mistake, but I'm done.
I'm done with TV, it's something I hardly watched at home and now I can't get enough of it. So sad, because it's so annoying. I never had TV growing up and now it seems I'm making up for all the hours I could have spent as a zombie in front of it but instead spent naked in my backyard playing indians with Kiki Shannahan. Nice. I'm gaining weight, I might be depressed, or I might just be bored out of my mind, but I eat too much here. I try to exercise, but I get so bored. I'm always bored, bored, bored. Jade can't give me what I want, whatever it is that I want from a friend, and Jeff is so fucking weird and islolated I get pissed off at him for not spending more time with me, and that's just not right.
Lets just face the facts, the school is sucking, Berry Hill is losing money and can't pay anyone, no one gives a shit about any part of this place and Tamara just keeps floating along in La La land thinking everything is splendid and that she can't do any wrong.
It's all such bullshit.
I miss:
Driving everyday. I know it sounds stupid, but I love to drive, and sometimes I drive into town just to drive.
Someone to talk to. No one seems to be noticing that I'm gone, except Gabby and every now and then someone will ask me how school is, but then that's the end of the conversation. I'm so use to having someone, anyone, at anytime, to be able to call and out here with no reception, I got nothing.
Human Contact. I love hugging, touching, kissing, cuddling, holding hands. There's none of that here. I find myself so hungry for contact sometimes, it hurts. Conservatives are cold hearted assholes, I've decided.
Food. Oh, there's food here. But come oonnn. The same god damn menu for five months? My body is not happy. Actually, at the moment there isn't any food, since Berry Hill can't afford half the stuff that they're suppose to serve.
I must say, one thing I have learned is what I don't want to be. It's always easier to know what you don't want. I just wish I could figure out what I'd want and who I'd want to be. Not the person I'd be if I stayed here much longer.
I'll stick it out until the end of the semester. It's worthless to leave now.
I just can't figure out why I'm still here, why I'm attached to this ridiculous place. Am I really as attached to the people as I think? I barely even like them. Sad but true. The workers are finally accepting me as a normal human being and not as a spoiled brat going to school here to make their life a living hell. Jade, Nike and Mike I won't miss. I can't help but feel attached to Jeff, since I've shared so much with him. But I have to back off, because in all honesty, he just doesn't get it. He's not what I want. He's not someone I should be attached to. He's taught me a lot, but I think I'm done with having my heart put in a blender. Corny, but true.
Fuck.
And now that I've completely depressed myself, I need to read.