The Complete Stranger
As you know, TOP and I decided to split up about 5 months ago. Since then, I've been (as I'm sure he has) riding a virtual roller-coaster of emotions. The first month was ok. There was some relief that the decision had been made, and the realities of financial worries were far off in a distant future somewhere. Plus, I was putting on my game face, BIG TIME, for the boys. Yes, ultimately I want to be happy and fulfilled on a personal level, but first and foremost, my concern was (and is) helping my children adjust to the changes in our lives. I stuffed down any anxiety and fear so they would see that Mommy was ok.
I have a tendency to do that (shove things deep inside) [TWSS]. I have only recently been able to admit it. It feels very new, and liberating. All my life, since I've been a young teenager, I've not wanted people to see me sweat. I'm not sure exactly why, but the best way I can explain it is that I just didn't want to burden people with my problems. I didn't want to be a bother, or a whiner, and I also wanted to be taken seriously. So I just never complained or even let out my emotions very often. On numerous occasions, I have been described by others as "Cool as a Cucumber."
Well. Guess what happens when you take a genetically anxious person and have them bottle up all of their anxiety for years? Yeah, things get a little fucked up. It becomes a way of life - always anxious but never letting it show. Like an air compressor that just keeps compressing but never releasing any air. A ticking bomb.
So, yeah. Wah wah, and all that. I know I'm not the only person with problems, but here's the thing. I never really wanted to admit to having problems, and so I just kept waving people off, "Are you kidding? I'm fiiiiiine!" And yeah, I've since acknowledged my anxiety problem and have gone through therapy, which definitely helped. But even after therapy, I still rarely admitted my insecurities to anyone. If you thought I was awesome, I wanted to keep it that way. If you thought I was a bitch, well fuck you.
I've been dealing really well with my anxiety level for years now. It waxes and wanes, sure, but I've had the upper hand most of the time. Something that I've noticed, though, is that when a major event or "crisis" occurs, I do well at first, and then I revert back into my old habits. Those fuckers really do die hard. So, the impending official divorce date is what my body and mind consider to be a "crisis", evidently. Wait, let's do that with all caps. The IMPENDING OFFICIAL DIVORCE DATE!!! There, that's better. You get the point, anyway.
My body and brain, they're both in full crisis mode. They're hitting the Panic Button repeatedly. My nervous system is on overdrive; my endocrine system is moving at light speed. My cardiovascular system has, frankly, gone to plaid. If you don't get that reference, stop reading my blog now because I hate you.
A few weeks ago, a crisis on top of THE IMPENDING OFFICIAL DIVORCE DATE occurred. My mother's husband died. I may have mentioned it. Anxiety-girl-who-shoves-stuff-deep-inside (TWSS), and who was already full to the max with stress, went and looked at her step-father laying on a table in a funeral home. Now, please, don't misunderstand me. There's no way I would have been anywhere else during my mother's time of need, and I am in no way complaining or whining (I don't like to whine, remember?). I am merely giving you, to the best of my ability, what we writers like to call 'background info". There's going to be a climax here in a minute, and you'll thank me. (TWHS)
The only thing worse than seeing a loved one laid out in a funeral home.....is Philadelphia traffic. I drove through that shit, came home to an empty house, and sat on my couch in stunned silence. Crisis on top of crisis had really just completely wacked me out. I was really fucking depressed about the state of my life and the state of John's un-life. I didn't cry; I just sat there. A little time went by. My air conditioning clicked on, and a cool breeze broke my reverie. I popped open my laptop, prepared for more bad news. I checked my emails, sent out a few replies to clients, and then I opened up my facebook page. And, to my surprise, I had a message from someone I hadn't heard from in awhile, and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
(Here comes the climax. Are you ready?)
So, on that day, the day that I had made it through crisis on top of crisis, as I sat there down and out and on the verge of tears and utter despair, THIS is the forwarded message that The Universe decided I should receive:
Hi Matt,
How is life treating you these days?
I would assume this e-mail will come as a surprise, but I couldn't help not writing to tell you about this. A while back, when we became friends on FB and of course, out of curiosity, I was looking over your FB wall, I clicked on what was a blog post of someone called Adrienne A*****. I don't remember exactly how I got on her blog, but I started to read it and I literally laughed out loud. I just loved the mix of sarcasm, fragility and anxiety that I found in and between those lines :) From that moment, just every now and then, I'd go back to her blog and enjoy the stories. She's a great writer (and I have almost 2 MA degrees to vouch for my "specialization" in the field! ;) and, I assume, person.
I read from the blog that she is going through a hard time these months (divorce and everything). And I thought, maybe knowing that a complete stranger considers her writing and the person that can be seen through that writing quite awesome might bring some joy and alleviate some of the anxiety :) Honestly, reading her stories has lifted my spirits a couple of times. Maybe you can pass this along to her ...and I just hope it doesn't all sound too kooky.
Hoping all's good on your side,
The Complete Stranger
I have a tendency to do that (shove things deep inside) [TWSS]. I have only recently been able to admit it. It feels very new, and liberating. All my life, since I've been a young teenager, I've not wanted people to see me sweat. I'm not sure exactly why, but the best way I can explain it is that I just didn't want to burden people with my problems. I didn't want to be a bother, or a whiner, and I also wanted to be taken seriously. So I just never complained or even let out my emotions very often. On numerous occasions, I have been described by others as "Cool as a Cucumber."
Well. Guess what happens when you take a genetically anxious person and have them bottle up all of their anxiety for years? Yeah, things get a little fucked up. It becomes a way of life - always anxious but never letting it show. Like an air compressor that just keeps compressing but never releasing any air. A ticking bomb.
So, yeah. Wah wah, and all that. I know I'm not the only person with problems, but here's the thing. I never really wanted to admit to having problems, and so I just kept waving people off, "Are you kidding? I'm fiiiiiine!" And yeah, I've since acknowledged my anxiety problem and have gone through therapy, which definitely helped. But even after therapy, I still rarely admitted my insecurities to anyone. If you thought I was awesome, I wanted to keep it that way. If you thought I was a bitch, well fuck you.
I've been dealing really well with my anxiety level for years now. It waxes and wanes, sure, but I've had the upper hand most of the time. Something that I've noticed, though, is that when a major event or "crisis" occurs, I do well at first, and then I revert back into my old habits. Those fuckers really do die hard. So, the impending official divorce date is what my body and mind consider to be a "crisis", evidently. Wait, let's do that with all caps. The IMPENDING OFFICIAL DIVORCE DATE!!! There, that's better. You get the point, anyway.
My body and brain, they're both in full crisis mode. They're hitting the Panic Button repeatedly. My nervous system is on overdrive; my endocrine system is moving at light speed. My cardiovascular system has, frankly, gone to plaid. If you don't get that reference, stop reading my blog now because I hate you.
A few weeks ago, a crisis on top of THE IMPENDING OFFICIAL DIVORCE DATE occurred. My mother's husband died. I may have mentioned it. Anxiety-girl-who-shoves-stuff-deep-inside (TWSS), and who was already full to the max with stress, went and looked at her step-father laying on a table in a funeral home. Now, please, don't misunderstand me. There's no way I would have been anywhere else during my mother's time of need, and I am in no way complaining or whining (I don't like to whine, remember?). I am merely giving you, to the best of my ability, what we writers like to call 'background info". There's going to be a climax here in a minute, and you'll thank me. (TWHS)
The only thing worse than seeing a loved one laid out in a funeral home.....is Philadelphia traffic. I drove through that shit, came home to an empty house, and sat on my couch in stunned silence. Crisis on top of crisis had really just completely wacked me out. I was really fucking depressed about the state of my life and the state of John's un-life. I didn't cry; I just sat there. A little time went by. My air conditioning clicked on, and a cool breeze broke my reverie. I popped open my laptop, prepared for more bad news. I checked my emails, sent out a few replies to clients, and then I opened up my facebook page. And, to my surprise, I had a message from someone I hadn't heard from in awhile, and it was EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.
(Here comes the climax. Are you ready?)
So, on that day, the day that I had made it through crisis on top of crisis, as I sat there down and out and on the verge of tears and utter despair, THIS is the forwarded message that The Universe decided I should receive:
Hi Matt,
How is life treating you these days?
I would assume this e-mail will come as a surprise, but I couldn't help not writing to tell you about this. A while back, when we became friends on FB and of course, out of curiosity, I was looking over your FB wall, I clicked on what was a blog post of someone called Adrienne A*****. I don't remember exactly how I got on her blog, but I started to read it and I literally laughed out loud. I just loved the mix of sarcasm, fragility and anxiety that I found in and between those lines :) From that moment, just every now and then, I'd go back to her blog and enjoy the stories. She's a great writer (and I have almost 2 MA degrees to vouch for my "specialization" in the field! ;) and, I assume, person.
I read from the blog that she is going through a hard time these months (divorce and everything). And I thought, maybe knowing that a complete stranger considers her writing and the person that can be seen through that writing quite awesome might bring some joy and alleviate some of the anxiety :) Honestly, reading her stories has lifted my spirits a couple of times. Maybe you can pass this along to her ...and I just hope it doesn't all sound too kooky.
Hoping all's good on your side,
The Complete Stranger