DING! DING! DING!
Over the past week, certain experiences in my life have struck me. By struck me, I either mean "amused me", "interested me", or "annoyed the fuck out of me." At some point I realized I was keeping a mental tally, almost hearing a bell inside my head each time another item was added. DING! Eventually, the dings started to overload my already overloaded (and over-bleached, but that's another story) head.
So, I now present to you THE LIST OF THINGS THAT WENT DING! (which may or may not amuse you):
- Upon first meeting me, if you use the word 'fauna' more than 3 times in a 10 minute conversation, chances are good that I already don't like you.
- Referring to aforementioned 'fauna enthusiast" - I am not your best friend because we both love berber carpet, and now I like you even less and am even a bit afraid of you.
- Women who walk and lift weights simultaneously - is your life really that jam packed? Here's the thing - you look ridiculous. Do yourself a favor and take an extra 10 minutes to do those arm curls AT HOME.
- I am, without a singular, miniscule, teeny-tiny doubt, 100% addicted to Fudgsicles. Like, I wish they just sold Fudgsicle flavored ice-cream because the freezer in my garage would be jam. packed. with that shit.
- A few days ago I had an almost epiphany-like DING! during which I realized GUESS WHAT. Teachers? Really ARE fucking annoying.
- I am proud to announce that I have successfully instilled Acorn Hate into 100% of the neighborhood children. I even have them using such words as "evil", "nasty", "annoying", and "horrible" to describe these awful little nuts. The brainwashing experiment was so successful that I have had 5 of them furiously sweeping, scooping, and sucking up thousands of acorns from my property all week. AND I PAID. NO. ONE.
- People who post pictures of your kids and/or pets as your Facebook profile picture: That is not you. Do you have your own identity? If not, I probably don't want to know you.
- When someone asks my opinion on something, I'm going to give it, and I really, really, really WISH, that if they honestly did not WANT my opinion, that they hadn't. even. asked.
- Inflatable lawn ornaments. Please remove these from existence.
- Lady at hair salon last night said "I wish they made babysitters like they used to." DID THERE USED TO BE ROBOT BABYSITTERS? I was unaware.
- To my hair stylist: If you tell me ONE. MORE. TIME. that the only way to get rid of all the over-processed hair on my head is to use a #2, I am going to fire you. (No I'm not, I love you, but please stop scaring me.)
- Aggressive Preschool Girl who demanded that my son kiss her in class? I like her already.
So, I now present to you THE LIST OF THINGS THAT WENT DING! (which may or may not amuse you):
- Upon first meeting me, if you use the word 'fauna' more than 3 times in a 10 minute conversation, chances are good that I already don't like you.
- Referring to aforementioned 'fauna enthusiast" - I am not your best friend because we both love berber carpet, and now I like you even less and am even a bit afraid of you.
- Women who walk and lift weights simultaneously - is your life really that jam packed? Here's the thing - you look ridiculous. Do yourself a favor and take an extra 10 minutes to do those arm curls AT HOME.
- I am, without a singular, miniscule, teeny-tiny doubt, 100% addicted to Fudgsicles. Like, I wish they just sold Fudgsicle flavored ice-cream because the freezer in my garage would be jam. packed. with that shit.
- A few days ago I had an almost epiphany-like DING! during which I realized GUESS WHAT. Teachers? Really ARE fucking annoying.
- I am proud to announce that I have successfully instilled Acorn Hate into 100% of the neighborhood children. I even have them using such words as "evil", "nasty", "annoying", and "horrible" to describe these awful little nuts. The brainwashing experiment was so successful that I have had 5 of them furiously sweeping, scooping, and sucking up thousands of acorns from my property all week. AND I PAID. NO. ONE.
- People who post pictures of your kids and/or pets as your Facebook profile picture: That is not you. Do you have your own identity? If not, I probably don't want to know you.
- When someone asks my opinion on something, I'm going to give it, and I really, really, really WISH, that if they honestly did not WANT my opinion, that they hadn't. even. asked.
- Inflatable lawn ornaments. Please remove these from existence.
- Lady at hair salon last night said "I wish they made babysitters like they used to." DID THERE USED TO BE ROBOT BABYSITTERS? I was unaware.
- To my hair stylist: If you tell me ONE. MORE. TIME. that the only way to get rid of all the over-processed hair on my head is to use a #2, I am going to fire you. (No I'm not, I love you, but please stop scaring me.)
- Aggressive Preschool Girl who demanded that my son kiss her in class? I like her already.