Back on the grind.....
So..I've been good today. I've taken 2 walks and eaten reasonably. There's days where I'm just "on" and then days when I'm completely "off".
I wish I had never started dieting in the first place. I remember my first "real" diet. Ninth grade--I was always chubby, and was wearing a size 16.My mom and stepdad were on a diet, and this was the 80s when Jane Fonda was all the rage (showing my age). I dont recall the first diet exactly, but I remember it involved toast and egg for breakfast. I can't remember lunch, but dinner was a chicken breast, salad and cauliflower/carrot/broccoli mixture or sometimes green beans. I lost a bit of weight right away, and liked the compliments. I then started modifying the diet..I started getting up at 5am and drank a huge glass of water and did 45 minutes of calisthenics..I then got my shower and got ready for the school bus that came at 715. That worked better and I was losing alot of weight. I still remember the first 'binge'. It was late at night. i was working on homework and everyone else had gone to bed. I felt pangs of hunger and thought I would just have a few tostitos tortilla chips. I remember being ravenous and eating nearly the whole bag. Panic set in. The next day I didnt eat anything to compensate. And that began my love/hate relationship with food and dieting.
I remember at my worst not eating nearly anything for a week straight. its odd..noone really paid alot of attention because I was chubby..it wasnt like I was wasting away or anything. I lost 10 pounds in a week. I remember my aunt and uncle saying I was dieting for a boy..That infuriated me and i "ate down" the anger by goin on a binge.
And so the cycles began and as I sit here today at 41 years old, I can honestly say I am still a victim of dieting. I am waiting for food to become a nonissue for me, but I dont think it will ever be. It is something so trivial and silly, but I cant deal with it. Holidays are no fun for me. i can't ever just enjoy the food. Its always calorie counting and obsessing, and its pure misery. If I could ever just shut down my own thoughts it would be a wonderful thing :)
All of my lifes good and bad moments..i can tell you what size i wore at the time. Its just an unhealthy obsession I would love to rid myself of.
But I cant...
So I'm just trying to deal one day at a time, and one meal at a time.
Good night.
I wish I had never started dieting in the first place. I remember my first "real" diet. Ninth grade--I was always chubby, and was wearing a size 16.My mom and stepdad were on a diet, and this was the 80s when Jane Fonda was all the rage (showing my age). I dont recall the first diet exactly, but I remember it involved toast and egg for breakfast. I can't remember lunch, but dinner was a chicken breast, salad and cauliflower/carrot/broccoli mixture or sometimes green beans. I lost a bit of weight right away, and liked the compliments. I then started modifying the diet..I started getting up at 5am and drank a huge glass of water and did 45 minutes of calisthenics..I then got my shower and got ready for the school bus that came at 715. That worked better and I was losing alot of weight. I still remember the first 'binge'. It was late at night. i was working on homework and everyone else had gone to bed. I felt pangs of hunger and thought I would just have a few tostitos tortilla chips. I remember being ravenous and eating nearly the whole bag. Panic set in. The next day I didnt eat anything to compensate. And that began my love/hate relationship with food and dieting.
I remember at my worst not eating nearly anything for a week straight. its odd..noone really paid alot of attention because I was chubby..it wasnt like I was wasting away or anything. I lost 10 pounds in a week. I remember my aunt and uncle saying I was dieting for a boy..That infuriated me and i "ate down" the anger by goin on a binge.
And so the cycles began and as I sit here today at 41 years old, I can honestly say I am still a victim of dieting. I am waiting for food to become a nonissue for me, but I dont think it will ever be. It is something so trivial and silly, but I cant deal with it. Holidays are no fun for me. i can't ever just enjoy the food. Its always calorie counting and obsessing, and its pure misery. If I could ever just shut down my own thoughts it would be a wonderful thing :)
All of my lifes good and bad moments..i can tell you what size i wore at the time. Its just an unhealthy obsession I would love to rid myself of.
But I cant...
So I'm just trying to deal one day at a time, and one meal at a time.
Good night.