tm 194 Cut for spoilers for the entire Harry Potter series including DH
"The true magic of this broken world lay in the ability of the things it contained to vanish, to become so thoroughly lost, that they might never have existed in the first place." The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon.
Harry Potter was the master of death. He had possessed all three of the Deathly Hallows long enough to make that a fact. The truth was, for being seventeen years old, he had witnessed so much death that one would assume he could become immune to it. He couldn't though. Each loss cut him straight to the bone and broke off a piece of his heart that he wasn't sure he would ever get back. Time heals all wounds so they say. Harry would like to know who said that because he had yet to see that prove true. Time hasn't healed any of his wounds; if anything it's added to the list of the lost.
He had the memory of his parents death burned into his mind thanks to the dementors and Voldemort. He remembered the last words they spoke. He had a clear vision of the last expressions to cross their faces. It was something he would never forget. He watched Sirius go through the veil. He watched Snape use the killing curse on Albus. He watched Nagini kill Snape.
Harry didn't see Remus Lupin die.
There was something about seeing someone die that made the death more final. It made it more real. Maybe that psychobabble stuff from doctors about closure wasn't rubbish after all. It wasn't easy to accept that Sirius was gone when there had been no body to bury. There was a body to bury with Remus, but the shock of seeing him laying on that table with Dora and Fred was something that Harry had no preparation for. You see there was no build up to the death. There was no laugh or final speech. There was no request to look at him. He was simply there one moment, and gone the next.
And the funny thing was that Harry always expected Remus to outlive him.
He woke up from sleep only a few hours after he had retired in the old dorm rooms. The castle was eerily quiet. People were still in the Great Hall mourning their losses. Whispered words of grief and sympathy barely made an echo as Harry wandered in.
Remus still looked as if he was sleeping. Harry knew he would have to leave soon. He would have to go to Andromeda Tonks and Teddy Lupin and explain what had happened. His heart ached as he realized the first time he would hold his godson was going to be the day he showed up to report the deaths of his parents. Was this how people felt when they heard about the deaths of Lily and James Potter? Did they think about that little boy who survived. The boy who would grow up hearing about his parents who were heroes, yet he would never know them first hand. He would have to drink up their memories from the people who had known and loved them like a dying man stuck in the desert who finally found a fountain to drink from.
Remus had been that fountain for him. A pool of knowledge of the parents and godfather that Harry had lost. He had been a mentor. He had been a father figure. He had died so suddenly that Harry didn't see it coming. Death shouldn't come that quickly should it? You should see it coming shouldn't you? Did Remus see it coming? Or had he been as caught off guard by it as Sirius had been?
He made his way to the table and moved to sit near where Lupin's head was resting. The thick brown hair had less grey than Harry remembered. The face looked less tired and scarred. He looked so peaceful. He looked as if he were sleeping.
"Wake up," Harry whispered in a soft tone that no one but himself could hear. His fingers reached out to touch his mentor's face and the coolness of the skin was like another sudden reminder that this was not sleep. "I'm sorry. I know you'd tell me not to apologize. I know we already talked briefly, but I am truly sorry. If I'd been there..."
I could have saved you.
I would have dived in front of you the way you dived in front of me with the boggart.
Your death would be more real.
I needed you to live.
Don't leave me.
He didn't say any of these things. Instead he pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind. Filed them away to think about later when he wasn't sharing a room with other grieving family members. Because Remus wasn't a friend. He had been family. And no matter how many times Harry goes through this, he will never be prepared to bury family.
"I'll look after Teddy like he was my own. I'll be the godfather you and Dora wanted me to be. I'll protect and love him the way you and Sirius protected and loved me. I won't let you down."
Again.
He sat there for a few moments. Looking at Remus and his wife, Harry's family, and he let the grief seep through to his bones. He let it wash over him like an ocean wave crashing to shore. He let the reality consume him. They were gone. They had vanished. In a blink of an eye his godson's parents were ripped away from them.
If this was the price of war it was too high to pay. It was such a hollow victory. He needed to go and get as far away from it all as he could.
But first he had to see Andromeda and Teddy. His family. So Harry Potter stood up and leaned over, brushing the softest of kisses to Remus Lupin's forehead and said the words he never got to say to his parents, godfather or Albus.
"Goodbye, Remus."
No matter how many times Harry experienced death he would never understand how something so precious as life could simply vanish. And perhaps his inability to understand, yet still accept that it did vanish was the true reason he was the master of death.
ooc: Anytime a ficlet is written in third person, no matter which community it is written for, anyone is welcome to reply to it. This is dedicated to all of the Lupins in my Harry's life <3
Harry Potter was the master of death. He had possessed all three of the Deathly Hallows long enough to make that a fact. The truth was, for being seventeen years old, he had witnessed so much death that one would assume he could become immune to it. He couldn't though. Each loss cut him straight to the bone and broke off a piece of his heart that he wasn't sure he would ever get back. Time heals all wounds so they say. Harry would like to know who said that because he had yet to see that prove true. Time hasn't healed any of his wounds; if anything it's added to the list of the lost.
He had the memory of his parents death burned into his mind thanks to the dementors and Voldemort. He remembered the last words they spoke. He had a clear vision of the last expressions to cross their faces. It was something he would never forget. He watched Sirius go through the veil. He watched Snape use the killing curse on Albus. He watched Nagini kill Snape.
Harry didn't see Remus Lupin die.
There was something about seeing someone die that made the death more final. It made it more real. Maybe that psychobabble stuff from doctors about closure wasn't rubbish after all. It wasn't easy to accept that Sirius was gone when there had been no body to bury. There was a body to bury with Remus, but the shock of seeing him laying on that table with Dora and Fred was something that Harry had no preparation for. You see there was no build up to the death. There was no laugh or final speech. There was no request to look at him. He was simply there one moment, and gone the next.
And the funny thing was that Harry always expected Remus to outlive him.
He woke up from sleep only a few hours after he had retired in the old dorm rooms. The castle was eerily quiet. People were still in the Great Hall mourning their losses. Whispered words of grief and sympathy barely made an echo as Harry wandered in.
Remus still looked as if he was sleeping. Harry knew he would have to leave soon. He would have to go to Andromeda Tonks and Teddy Lupin and explain what had happened. His heart ached as he realized the first time he would hold his godson was going to be the day he showed up to report the deaths of his parents. Was this how people felt when they heard about the deaths of Lily and James Potter? Did they think about that little boy who survived. The boy who would grow up hearing about his parents who were heroes, yet he would never know them first hand. He would have to drink up their memories from the people who had known and loved them like a dying man stuck in the desert who finally found a fountain to drink from.
Remus had been that fountain for him. A pool of knowledge of the parents and godfather that Harry had lost. He had been a mentor. He had been a father figure. He had died so suddenly that Harry didn't see it coming. Death shouldn't come that quickly should it? You should see it coming shouldn't you? Did Remus see it coming? Or had he been as caught off guard by it as Sirius had been?
He made his way to the table and moved to sit near where Lupin's head was resting. The thick brown hair had less grey than Harry remembered. The face looked less tired and scarred. He looked so peaceful. He looked as if he were sleeping.
"Wake up," Harry whispered in a soft tone that no one but himself could hear. His fingers reached out to touch his mentor's face and the coolness of the skin was like another sudden reminder that this was not sleep. "I'm sorry. I know you'd tell me not to apologize. I know we already talked briefly, but I am truly sorry. If I'd been there..."
I could have saved you.
I would have dived in front of you the way you dived in front of me with the boggart.
Your death would be more real.
I needed you to live.
Don't leave me.
He didn't say any of these things. Instead he pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind. Filed them away to think about later when he wasn't sharing a room with other grieving family members. Because Remus wasn't a friend. He had been family. And no matter how many times Harry goes through this, he will never be prepared to bury family.
"I'll look after Teddy like he was my own. I'll be the godfather you and Dora wanted me to be. I'll protect and love him the way you and Sirius protected and loved me. I won't let you down."
Again.
He sat there for a few moments. Looking at Remus and his wife, Harry's family, and he let the grief seep through to his bones. He let it wash over him like an ocean wave crashing to shore. He let the reality consume him. They were gone. They had vanished. In a blink of an eye his godson's parents were ripped away from them.
If this was the price of war it was too high to pay. It was such a hollow victory. He needed to go and get as far away from it all as he could.
But first he had to see Andromeda and Teddy. His family. So Harry Potter stood up and leaned over, brushing the softest of kisses to Remus Lupin's forehead and said the words he never got to say to his parents, godfather or Albus.
"Goodbye, Remus."
No matter how many times Harry experienced death he would never understand how something so precious as life could simply vanish. And perhaps his inability to understand, yet still accept that it did vanish was the true reason he was the master of death.
ooc: Anytime a ficlet is written in third person, no matter which community it is written for, anyone is welcome to reply to it. This is dedicated to all of the Lupins in my Harry's life <3