(no subject)
Oh, it's been ages since I've made a real entry in this thing. I'm not sure if anyone even reads it, anymore. I'm mostly writing because I'm on the edge of a panic attack, awake too late, and not really sure what to do about it. So, I'll update, for anyone still out there who is interested. I'll back track from my most recent entries, a bit, too, since none of them were all that descriptive.
After graduating from Grand Valley State University in April 2009 with a bachelors degree in Natural Resource Management, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. R, my partner of four years, and I had pretty recently broken up, I was leaving the city I had called home for five years, and the small program at GVSU and my random collection of internships had given me vague knowledge on many subjects, but no expertise in any area. Furthermore, I couldn't think of anything I would want to get up and do every day that wouldn't eventually make me want to scream, or die, or something equally dramatic.
I came up with this brilliant plan to run away to Asheville, NC. And that's exactly what I was doing- running away. From people I didn't want to deal with any longer, from my emotions, from all my uncertainty. Although Asheville was an awesome place, and I got to spend time with Emilja and meet some other really amazing friends, I was there for the wrong reasons and came back to Michigan after less than two weeks.
I was planning on taking a permaculture class at a place in Oregon. I had nearly enough money for it, and thought I could save up the rest without too much trouble. However, my brother's scholarships were out of wack because of the number of credits he had, and he ended up needing money for books. I gave him what he needed. I didn't have to take out any loans for my schooling, I thought it would be really unfair if he had to.
So, my permaculture plan fell through, and I didn't know what to do next. I needed money, so I re-entered the world of retail, reluctantly. First at the craft store, then at a candy store in a mall. It was awful. The jobs themselves weren't difficult or complicated, but they are the sort of thing that is immediately soul-crushing to someone who prefers to spend most of her time in the woods.
Once the new year rolled around, I was really feeling like it was time to get my ass in gear. Thanks to the amazing support of Steve and others, I had healed emotionally, at least to the extent that I wanted to begin moving on. I dubbed 2010 "The Year of Growth." I made a list of long-term life goals that have been important to me for a long time, and began to devise ways to get there. Honestly, to begin with, I had no idea what to do, but I began online job-searching like no one's business.
Eventually, I got a phone interview with YMCA Camp Harrison at Herring Ridge in Boomer, North Carolina doing environmental education with kids, mostly fifth graders. I got the job, and in March 2010 I was heading back to North Carolina, with a stop in Asheville on my way there, of course.
Camp was incredible. The other instructors were some of the coolest people. We all lived there on the camp, in the middle of 2100 acres of mountains. It was heaven for me. Waterfalls and rhododendron and so many different insects in one of the most biodiverse areas of the united states. It was beautiful, and I got to be out in it every day. Not only that, but I found out I love teaching in that sort of environment. I could never be happy in a classroom, but taking kids on night hikes, or to wade in a stream looking for macro invertebrates, or playing games that show predator-prey relationships...I could tell I was helping to gives those kids an appreciation for nature, and it was a great feeling. It was long days, and so tiring, but it almost never actually felt like work. The other instructors and I often turned to one another and said, incredulously, "we're getting paid for this!"
Not only was the job itself great, but the fact that I was there at all was a giant step for me. I felt so capable, and smart, for the first time in a looong time. I stepped so far out of my comfort zone because everyone around me was so supportive, and I found out that I really can do things. It was a simple thing, but a giant step that I really needed in my life.
After ten short weeks, the spring season was over. I am back in Berkley at my parents' house, going crazy from all this alone time, all this indoors time. I have applied for dozens of environmental ed. jobs, but I have only gotten an interview with one. And I want it. Badly. I am supposed to hear from them this week, and I am going absolutely mad not knowing. Mostly because if I don't get this job, I'm back to square one. I will have to start looking for a meantime job, a soul-sucking retail job, and I will lose my momentum. After having a glimpse of something wonderful, that is going to be incredibly hard to do.
After graduating from Grand Valley State University in April 2009 with a bachelors degree in Natural Resource Management, I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. R, my partner of four years, and I had pretty recently broken up, I was leaving the city I had called home for five years, and the small program at GVSU and my random collection of internships had given me vague knowledge on many subjects, but no expertise in any area. Furthermore, I couldn't think of anything I would want to get up and do every day that wouldn't eventually make me want to scream, or die, or something equally dramatic.
I came up with this brilliant plan to run away to Asheville, NC. And that's exactly what I was doing- running away. From people I didn't want to deal with any longer, from my emotions, from all my uncertainty. Although Asheville was an awesome place, and I got to spend time with Emilja and meet some other really amazing friends, I was there for the wrong reasons and came back to Michigan after less than two weeks.
I was planning on taking a permaculture class at a place in Oregon. I had nearly enough money for it, and thought I could save up the rest without too much trouble. However, my brother's scholarships were out of wack because of the number of credits he had, and he ended up needing money for books. I gave him what he needed. I didn't have to take out any loans for my schooling, I thought it would be really unfair if he had to.
So, my permaculture plan fell through, and I didn't know what to do next. I needed money, so I re-entered the world of retail, reluctantly. First at the craft store, then at a candy store in a mall. It was awful. The jobs themselves weren't difficult or complicated, but they are the sort of thing that is immediately soul-crushing to someone who prefers to spend most of her time in the woods.
Once the new year rolled around, I was really feeling like it was time to get my ass in gear. Thanks to the amazing support of Steve and others, I had healed emotionally, at least to the extent that I wanted to begin moving on. I dubbed 2010 "The Year of Growth." I made a list of long-term life goals that have been important to me for a long time, and began to devise ways to get there. Honestly, to begin with, I had no idea what to do, but I began online job-searching like no one's business.
Eventually, I got a phone interview with YMCA Camp Harrison at Herring Ridge in Boomer, North Carolina doing environmental education with kids, mostly fifth graders. I got the job, and in March 2010 I was heading back to North Carolina, with a stop in Asheville on my way there, of course.
Camp was incredible. The other instructors were some of the coolest people. We all lived there on the camp, in the middle of 2100 acres of mountains. It was heaven for me. Waterfalls and rhododendron and so many different insects in one of the most biodiverse areas of the united states. It was beautiful, and I got to be out in it every day. Not only that, but I found out I love teaching in that sort of environment. I could never be happy in a classroom, but taking kids on night hikes, or to wade in a stream looking for macro invertebrates, or playing games that show predator-prey relationships...I could tell I was helping to gives those kids an appreciation for nature, and it was a great feeling. It was long days, and so tiring, but it almost never actually felt like work. The other instructors and I often turned to one another and said, incredulously, "we're getting paid for this!"
Not only was the job itself great, but the fact that I was there at all was a giant step for me. I felt so capable, and smart, for the first time in a looong time. I stepped so far out of my comfort zone because everyone around me was so supportive, and I found out that I really can do things. It was a simple thing, but a giant step that I really needed in my life.
After ten short weeks, the spring season was over. I am back in Berkley at my parents' house, going crazy from all this alone time, all this indoors time. I have applied for dozens of environmental ed. jobs, but I have only gotten an interview with one. And I want it. Badly. I am supposed to hear from them this week, and I am going absolutely mad not knowing. Mostly because if I don't get this job, I'm back to square one. I will have to start looking for a meantime job, a soul-sucking retail job, and I will lose my momentum. After having a glimpse of something wonderful, that is going to be incredibly hard to do.