Drought
I’ve been going through a pretty significant spiritual drought lately. And it has allowed me to think a lot about how people who find themselves in no sort of spiritual bond with God feel, think, and view the world. You see, when you are in a state of spiritual fullness you view the world in a certain way, you feel strongly about your convictions, you feel convinced by what you read and hear coming from spiritual leaders, you basically just feel more in sync with your spirituality, your faith, your relationship with God and your inner persona. This period of spiritual drought has opened my eyes a lot to how the non-religious view the world.
I was having a conversation the other day with a good friend. I love long conversations with friends who are very different than me because they always inspire my thinking. They are that little piece of outsider that comes to Nicaragua and stirs up my confined world. We hadn’t seen each other in about 3 years and we talked about everything. At one point though, as we dissected society, I made a few comments about not doing certain things because they aren’t in line with my religion or how had I grown up in another context I might have pursued or made different lifestyle choices. For a moment I felt ridiculous listening to myself. For a moment I saw her point of view with crystal clarity and thought to myself “I must sound silly…I’m sure I sound silly”. Luckily I’m beyond the point of caring about how I sound. There is such a deep and profound back story to my beliefs, that a 1 hour or even a 5 hour conversation won’t even get me anywhere, so usually I don’t even bother.
I was once watching one of Mariano Restrepo’s talks, and he recommends to Catholics to not get into deep conversations about faith over a cup of coffee because he says you will get nowhere. He talked about how you are more likely to lose the battle because real debates about the faith are very complex and only those who know it very well will be able to debate properly. Some of the main reasons for this is that faith, religion, or in my case Catholicism has a long, complex, and extensive story to it. Not only that, but a lot of it DOES sounds ridiculous when not understood properly. As I talked to my friend that night and as I wandered into my brain that Sunday at mass, it dawned on me. I realized our differences in viewing the world are rooted in a whole mindset. It is a whole different way of coming to terms with the world around us. And in a whole different way I mean a WHOLE different way, even down to the view of our purpose on this planet. I remember thinking to myself “…it’s just, for me, life just isn’t about ME…” or at least, it's not supposed to be.
I feel that, especially in my moments of spiritual drought, I get very in tune with that “other” mindset, that secular view of the world. I feel it down to my very bones and so so often I want to stay there. So often I think “why the fuck?!” and get THIS close to throwing all my beliefs and convictions out the window. I start feeling my decisions useless, I start feeling a victim to my upbringing, I start viewing myself as ridiculous, I start contemplating “breaking free”. But then I think “what IS freedom anyways?” …that word that people like to throw around so loosely but never really think about what they are saying. And I remember that quote from Veritatis Spendor… “Be watchful because freedom is always threatened by slavery”. You may become free to this, but simultaneously you are becoming a slave to that. And it is so true. I’ll leave the topic of freedom for another day because I can go for hours on that one.
Again I guess my post has no thesis statement. But right now, I guess my point is that I sometimes feel people think I’m a certain way because I grew up in this kind of family, this kind of society, etc…and that is all fair, I don’t deny it and it has obviously influenced the person I am. But unfortunately they fail to recognize how educated I am about my beliefs. How much I have mulled it over for years and years. How much I have consciously and genuinely wanted to do away with it and find a flaw. How much it is actually a struggle. How you aren’t religious “to get good feelings” but how it really does have to do with being faithful to a relationship. I just wish I actually COULD express and share all of what I have in this little brain. And be able to express it over a 1 hour or even 5 hour cup of coffee.
I was having a conversation the other day with a good friend. I love long conversations with friends who are very different than me because they always inspire my thinking. They are that little piece of outsider that comes to Nicaragua and stirs up my confined world. We hadn’t seen each other in about 3 years and we talked about everything. At one point though, as we dissected society, I made a few comments about not doing certain things because they aren’t in line with my religion or how had I grown up in another context I might have pursued or made different lifestyle choices. For a moment I felt ridiculous listening to myself. For a moment I saw her point of view with crystal clarity and thought to myself “I must sound silly…I’m sure I sound silly”. Luckily I’m beyond the point of caring about how I sound. There is such a deep and profound back story to my beliefs, that a 1 hour or even a 5 hour conversation won’t even get me anywhere, so usually I don’t even bother.
I was once watching one of Mariano Restrepo’s talks, and he recommends to Catholics to not get into deep conversations about faith over a cup of coffee because he says you will get nowhere. He talked about how you are more likely to lose the battle because real debates about the faith are very complex and only those who know it very well will be able to debate properly. Some of the main reasons for this is that faith, religion, or in my case Catholicism has a long, complex, and extensive story to it. Not only that, but a lot of it DOES sounds ridiculous when not understood properly. As I talked to my friend that night and as I wandered into my brain that Sunday at mass, it dawned on me. I realized our differences in viewing the world are rooted in a whole mindset. It is a whole different way of coming to terms with the world around us. And in a whole different way I mean a WHOLE different way, even down to the view of our purpose on this planet. I remember thinking to myself “…it’s just, for me, life just isn’t about ME…” or at least, it's not supposed to be.
I feel that, especially in my moments of spiritual drought, I get very in tune with that “other” mindset, that secular view of the world. I feel it down to my very bones and so so often I want to stay there. So often I think “why the fuck?!” and get THIS close to throwing all my beliefs and convictions out the window. I start feeling my decisions useless, I start feeling a victim to my upbringing, I start viewing myself as ridiculous, I start contemplating “breaking free”. But then I think “what IS freedom anyways?” …that word that people like to throw around so loosely but never really think about what they are saying. And I remember that quote from Veritatis Spendor… “Be watchful because freedom is always threatened by slavery”. You may become free to this, but simultaneously you are becoming a slave to that. And it is so true. I’ll leave the topic of freedom for another day because I can go for hours on that one.
Again I guess my post has no thesis statement. But right now, I guess my point is that I sometimes feel people think I’m a certain way because I grew up in this kind of family, this kind of society, etc…and that is all fair, I don’t deny it and it has obviously influenced the person I am. But unfortunately they fail to recognize how educated I am about my beliefs. How much I have mulled it over for years and years. How much I have consciously and genuinely wanted to do away with it and find a flaw. How much it is actually a struggle. How you aren’t religious “to get good feelings” but how it really does have to do with being faithful to a relationship. I just wish I actually COULD express and share all of what I have in this little brain. And be able to express it over a 1 hour or even 5 hour cup of coffee.