Thanks for taking the time to write this.sehrnettNovember 24 2008, 18:28:12 UTC
You're right about a lot of stuff here. A lot of this is true.
I apologize for all I've done that hurt you.
I have been thinking a lot recently about my need for approval. From you, from the world at large. I realized that I have such a fear of being left out, of being hurt and betrayed that I see it where it is not intended.
A friend said recently "Quit trying to get the world to validate you. You put yourself out there to show you're this and that and you don't need to. Just be." I was furious and then realized how right he was with what he said.
I do want people to like me. I do want people to want to work with me. I do want people to admire my work. The problem comes when they don't. Then, I feel bereft.
Having had the surgery and changing so much physically has brought up so many things that I had not thought about. Not ever. Hell, I flipped out with Tony over something that happened to me over 20 years ago three weeks ago when something he did triggered a very bad memory. When I say flipped out? Crazy flipping out. When I apologized and explained, he understood my behavior but I was shaken at what I had been bottling up.
Not drinking (as a concious choice) for the past two months has let a lot of other demons out as well. Amazing what we can bury.
I'm not actively doing the 12 steps per se but I think I need to. All of this will make me have to look now to see if there is anyone else I care about that I've hurt. I suspect there will be.
You once said to me that if I came to you and said "I have to talk, I have a problem, etc" that you would be there for me because I never brought that stuff up. I realize now that I really do have a problem doing just that. Laying myself out, baring myself and showing the pain and being honest about it instead of skimming the surface just is/was so fucking hard. I don't like to admit it.
I actually did write out a lot of the things that I promised you I would but it all seemed so petty that I never put it into an email because I looked at it and saw my bad behaviors. I saw my pride, my attachment to my status and role as your right hand. It's been sitting, upside down, on one of my work desks for over a month. I would look at it and say "No. I don't want to send it."
I apologize for all I've done that hurt you.
I have been thinking a lot recently about my need for approval. From you, from the world at large. I realized that I have such a fear of being left out, of being hurt and betrayed that I see it where it is not intended.
A friend said recently "Quit trying to get the world to validate you. You put yourself out there to show you're this and that and you don't need to. Just be." I was furious and then realized how right he was with what he said.
I do want people to like me. I do want people to want to work with me. I do want people to admire my work. The problem comes when they don't. Then, I feel bereft.
Having had the surgery and changing so much physically has brought up so many things that I had not thought about. Not ever. Hell, I flipped out with Tony over something that happened to me over 20 years ago three weeks ago when something he did triggered a very bad memory. When I say flipped out? Crazy flipping out. When I apologized and explained, he understood my behavior but I was shaken at what I had been bottling up.
Not drinking (as a concious choice) for the past two months has let a lot of other demons out as well. Amazing what we can bury.
I'm not actively doing the 12 steps per se but I think I need to. All of this will make me have to look now to see if there is anyone else I care about that I've hurt. I suspect there will be.
You once said to me that if I came to you and said "I have to talk, I have a problem, etc" that you would be there for me because I never brought that stuff up. I realize now that I really do have a problem doing just that. Laying myself out, baring myself and showing the pain and being honest about it instead of skimming the surface just is/was so fucking hard. I don't like to admit it.
I actually did write out a lot of the things that I promised you I would but it all seemed so petty that I never put it into an email because I looked at it and saw my bad behaviors. I saw my pride, my attachment to my status and role as your right hand. It's been sitting, upside down, on one of my work desks for over a month. I would look at it and say "No. I don't want to send it."
Reply
Leave a comment