the circus
She choked on the smoke of her boyfriend’s cigars
and the icebox beckoned
with promises of release-
she opened the door and escaped to the light,
remembering days spent staring at the last patch of blue sky-
life was beautiful poverty, moments of honesty
mingling and burning her skin to the bone
and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul-
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around-
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again
She elbowed her way
through the line at the roller coaster
anxious to fall fast and hard
without the scars and the ten-step programs
to fight her addiction, the weight of trepidation
falling squarely on
two shoulders too weak to carry
her head staring levelly forward
and they’re whispering and grumbling and throwing dirty stares her way,
she’s fielding their hatred and accepting defeat-
she’s eight people short of a shot at success, she’s in duress
with no one to see through.
Childhood was killed, too little, too young,
her impoverished perfection
a careworn collection of fluffy stuffed toys-
and she’s talking to them, their faces all in rapt attention,
the gleam of their plastic eyes reflecting her tension
and did I mention the moment of truth
when a fire burned her house down and left
a hole in her chest and the charred remains
of childhood’s happier moments catching in her hair?
We can all attest
to disbelieving salvation, to the fruitful devastation
of our innermost hearts-
she’s asking for an end
though the means are bound in terrifying loyalty,
the caste of the royalty, a moment of disdain
and she’s falling down the stairs of
her castle of hopefulness,
measuring out joy and passing it around
until she’s empty and falling so fast
to make up for time passed, and the surface
is a million miles to the bright horizon,
and darkness is all she ever knew
the girl at the circus died in an alley
and no one noticed, though years went by.
survived by three friends who do not know her name
a traitor, a follower, and one she betrayed
and that is her legacy, and all she’ll ever be-
a handful of acquaintances and a moment of truth
and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul-
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around-
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again
and the icebox beckoned
with promises of release-
she opened the door and escaped to the light,
remembering days spent staring at the last patch of blue sky-
life was beautiful poverty, moments of honesty
mingling and burning her skin to the bone
and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul-
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around-
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again
She elbowed her way
through the line at the roller coaster
anxious to fall fast and hard
without the scars and the ten-step programs
to fight her addiction, the weight of trepidation
falling squarely on
two shoulders too weak to carry
her head staring levelly forward
and they’re whispering and grumbling and throwing dirty stares her way,
she’s fielding their hatred and accepting defeat-
she’s eight people short of a shot at success, she’s in duress
with no one to see through.
Childhood was killed, too little, too young,
her impoverished perfection
a careworn collection of fluffy stuffed toys-
and she’s talking to them, their faces all in rapt attention,
the gleam of their plastic eyes reflecting her tension
and did I mention the moment of truth
when a fire burned her house down and left
a hole in her chest and the charred remains
of childhood’s happier moments catching in her hair?
We can all attest
to disbelieving salvation, to the fruitful devastation
of our innermost hearts-
she’s asking for an end
though the means are bound in terrifying loyalty,
the caste of the royalty, a moment of disdain
and she’s falling down the stairs of
her castle of hopefulness,
measuring out joy and passing it around
until she’s empty and falling so fast
to make up for time passed, and the surface
is a million miles to the bright horizon,
and darkness is all she ever knew
the girl at the circus died in an alley
and no one noticed, though years went by.
survived by three friends who do not know her name
a traitor, a follower, and one she betrayed
and that is her legacy, and all she’ll ever be-
a handful of acquaintances and a moment of truth
and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul-
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around-
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again