Wedding disaster #4
In which the bride realizes that she still can't quite comprehend this love thing.
The cantor doing our wedding had us answer sets of questions about why we want to be married, and why we want to be married to each other specifically. I stayed up late last night because I really couldn't think of much to say that didn't sound cheesy or false. I also spent some time agonizing over what he might say about me.
At the meeting, she was able to pull out a few phrases we'd written to say during the ceremony at that part where she says, "The bride and groom told me this about the other..." They sounded perfectly fine out of context. I don't mind that. I think some of those things are exactly the sort that people expect to hear at weddings so that they can get misty-eyed and happy.
In reality? It doesn't really answer the question. He loves me. I make him happy. But...how? I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, and in my mind, there have to be so many other women out there who would be perfect for him in every way. They could be advancing in their careers as successfully as he is. They can drive, and they probably have some flashy cars of their own to do it in. They could be entirely ready to settle down and pop out a few kids around the same time that the time feels right. Instead, he fell in love with me, and I'm none of those things. Someone suggested that maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, and maybe that's true, but I still can't help feeling like I won some relationship jackpot in finding a wonderful man who cares about me and does everything he can to help make my dreams come true. I hear over and over that he's terrific, and that I'm so lucky to have him. I agree wholeheartedly. I wouldn't be ready to marry him if I didn't. I just still can't fathom what there is about me that makes him feel the same way that I feel about him.
Everyone will say it's love, and maybe it is. I just don't understand it AT ALL, and it's driving my nuts. It literally keeps me up at night when I think about it. Like tonight.
The cantor doing our wedding had us answer sets of questions about why we want to be married, and why we want to be married to each other specifically. I stayed up late last night because I really couldn't think of much to say that didn't sound cheesy or false. I also spent some time agonizing over what he might say about me.
At the meeting, she was able to pull out a few phrases we'd written to say during the ceremony at that part where she says, "The bride and groom told me this about the other..." They sounded perfectly fine out of context. I don't mind that. I think some of those things are exactly the sort that people expect to hear at weddings so that they can get misty-eyed and happy.
In reality? It doesn't really answer the question. He loves me. I make him happy. But...how? I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, and in my mind, there have to be so many other women out there who would be perfect for him in every way. They could be advancing in their careers as successfully as he is. They can drive, and they probably have some flashy cars of their own to do it in. They could be entirely ready to settle down and pop out a few kids around the same time that the time feels right. Instead, he fell in love with me, and I'm none of those things. Someone suggested that maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, and maybe that's true, but I still can't help feeling like I won some relationship jackpot in finding a wonderful man who cares about me and does everything he can to help make my dreams come true. I hear over and over that he's terrific, and that I'm so lucky to have him. I agree wholeheartedly. I wouldn't be ready to marry him if I didn't. I just still can't fathom what there is about me that makes him feel the same way that I feel about him.
Everyone will say it's love, and maybe it is. I just don't understand it AT ALL, and it's driving my nuts. It literally keeps me up at night when I think about it. Like tonight.