so i'm not so outrageous
a Jac Vanek mix
++zip file++
//01. Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
and I've been up for days,
I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way,
I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home...
I will grow,
there's things that aren't worth giving up, I know,
but I wont let this get me,
I will fight
you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
and some days all I do is watch the sky
//
i really feel sorry for some people. some people are so unhappy with their lives. i love my life. i couldnt ask for a better life. i've discovered the secret to happiness. its the way i approach situations. yeah yeah we all go through shit. its part of life. i've had losses, i've had hardships. you have too. maybe yours were harder. maybe. (ps i'm not talking about death here) is the glass half full or half empty? almost empty? well mines fucking overflowing. say we're put in a situation. i will deal with it differently than some people. i will make it enjoyable. i wont sit and pout. i dont let the little things affect me. if i did...they would keep increasing and increasing. i would deteriorate inside. my thoughts would eat me alive like maggots.
//02. Hands - Jewel
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
//
learn. god does everything for a reason. you are supposed to learn lessons. you are not supposed to get depressed. learn.
get rid of whats hurting you. leave it behind. you'll be free. no matter what happens. its happening for a reason. fate. fate. its all fate. positive. think positive. as soon as you start thinking positive, positive things happen. its karma. be nice to others. think before you speak. i've learned. maybe you'll find happiness a different way. all i know is i've found myself.
//03. Narcolepsy - Third Eye Blind
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare
//
Last night I woke up at five a.m. and realized that I had been staring at my ceiling for an hour. Never have I felt this broken. Never have I felt so alone. Never. I honestly do not know what to say. I do not know what to do. My mind is blank. My mind is frail. My heart is frail. I am blank. I hate being alone. I hate..
I try and try and try to be a good person. A great friend. To anyone that will accept me. It all gets thrown back in my face. Everything. I need something to hold onto. Something consistent. something. anything. I make myself too vulnerable. ...and it breaks my heart.
//04. One More Weekend - The Academy Is...
You've got all the friends you need
Bad tattoos and worse IDs
You feel alive
Do you feel alive?
You'll go off
You'll forget
You'll grow out
Of hanging from the edges
Breaking off the past
You'll know when to move up
You'll know when to take all
The right chances
Never looking back
//
It was weird..watching hellogoodbye made me really, really sad. It reminded me too much of last year at this time...when I was happy...when I was happy with my friends...when I actually really liked someone for once... I miss that. I'd be lieing if I said I felt anywhere near that way now. I need to get out of here before I go insane.
--
I'm ready to leave Orange County.
I'm ready to close this chapter of my life.
I'm ready to call Los Angeles my home, now
//05. To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts - Matt Nathanson
she was her mothers secret
she was daddy's girl
she brought weekend boys home in her curls
she said my love is a fever
come on touch my skin
they all think I'm easy
well I'm easy 'cause I let them win
//
Cool...I'm glad that people are lurking/stalking my personal life (and his apparenty) and talking shit like they know what they're saying. Keep making up bullshit that isn't remotely true...I'm glad that makes you feel like a big person.
//06. Once I Was Mighty - Martina Sorbara
I called all the local papers
Saying look what he did to me
Look what he said to me
Don't take this guy seriously
Still I find myself on my knees
Repenting relentlessly
For what he didn't find in me
For what I didn't turn out to be
He says I boarded up the windows of my palace
That I've grown accustomed to rose coloured glasses
So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
So I'm not so outrageous
I'm not so outrageous
//
i have always found comfort in the unknown. in the inconsistent. in the unsatisfaction of it all. but for once everything seems...right. its all so right yet all so frustrating. distance will be the death of me, i'm sure. the only thing i want is him. here.now.neverleaving. ha. yeah...right. cool.
--
if I don't know you, I don't understand why you believe you have the right to IM me and try to invade my personal life. That is what this journal is for. When I have news that I don't care that the world knows about, I post it here. As for personal issues, that is for myself and my real friends to be concerned with. So unless I come to talk to you about shit, don't even fucking think about asking me ANYTHING. It is just so fucking disrespectful, that its ridiculous.
--
Q: What do you think about the fans that have tracked down your past girlfriends have begun idolizing them and giving each their own cult following via the internet?
Ryan: It’s disgusting. Why would people idolize someone who doesn’t do anything and saying you’re a model/photographer with a digital camera and Photoshop does not count as an artist.
//07. God Gave Me Patience - Tristan Prettyman
cause I cry lot
I cry out of fear
and it’d be nice if
he was all that made up these tears
but its years and years
and in the afternoon while the sun gets low
I wish I there was some direction to drive
somewhere else to go
but if you never try
you'll never know
sometimes the best part of goodbye
is letting go
//
i fucking miss when it was good.
--
it kind of reminds me when someone told me he "wanted to keep me forever" but things change with people when you want to believe them. and it breaks my heart. but this verse is so true and amazing and it makes you realize that you can trust God no matter what. He really is mine forever.
--
sometimes i wonder if the nice guy really does finish last. it sure seems like it right now. i may appear to be something to you on the surface, but, god, if you only knew what was going through my head. if you only knew. twisting my words between your little fingers to mold them into whatever you want them to mean. maybe for once i'm a little bit confused with myself. i'm horribly confused with everything. (with you). distractions, distractions. did you ever think that maybe its just a cover-up? i think i think i think i'm alright. but then i'm not. i think i might just care too much. i think i might just think too much. i think sometimes everyone forgets i have feelings, too. for now i'll just keep trying and keep pushing and keep wondering. all i know is i have always been true. my intentions have always been true. in the end, i'll probably be the only one who will catch you when you fall. if you let me. maybe one day you'll see clearly. i really hope you will.
//08. Good For You - Third Eye Blind
Cause I've been alone
My faith turned to stone
Still there's something in you I believe in
Close to the pierce I go wild and fierce
Still I let you be, I feel you next to me
Cause inside I feel a wind that starts to blow
I'm taken in your undertow
Everything is fine, I'm lonely all the time
Cause all I want to do is be there
For the things that you're going through
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you
Cause you haunt my nights when
I don't know where my life should go
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you
//
she's the yin to my yang. we're the same person but we're completely opposite. escaped a videoshoot (literally ran a mile down the hollywood hills). who does that? she says one word and i know exactly what song she's talking about.
--
all you bitchez gotta pay for your monsters.
but i got one from yinyang for christmas. and i sleep with my little monster in my bed every night.
i love you. yaaaay.
//09. At My Most Beautiful - REM
I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice.
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes.
You always say your name.
Like I wouldn't know it's you,
At your most beautiful.
//
i love you more than anything no matter what. you are my sunshineeeeee. <333 come back to me.
--
come to me....its our time finally.
//10. Losing Sleep (acoustic) - Charlotte Sometimes
Be the winner you always were,
Don’t you, don’t you dare lose.
Be the humble girl you are
Don’t cry in strangers cars.
La La Goodnight.
I’m awake and I’ve been losing sleep.
I’ve been fighting all my demons,
I’ve been getting weak cause I’ve been
Trying, trying, trying to be
Anything other than me.
//
you've got a taste for danger. it turns you on. i think i should just start gluing my fingers in the crossed position. amazing how much credence is given to idiot forms of life. putting the blade on the table, he flicked it with a finger and it whirled in a flashing circle under the light. who the hell is going to save me? he thought. as the knife stopped spinning the answer came: you're going to have to save yourself. and here we go, life's waiting to begin..tonight.
--
sometimes i wish i didn't feel like i was living in a fishbowl for everyone to observe. sometimes i wish i didn't have to bite my tounge before saying anything because what if the wrong person hears it or sees it or reads it and all of a sudden i'm whatever rumor you can pull out of me? "we're making an example out of you." but i guess that's what i'm asking for, right? but there is nothing that can bring me down anymore. whoever i was then, i cant ever be again. my goals will shatter the universe. i'm stronger every day. i am, i am a machine. don't test me. there's no stopping me.
//11. Four Days - Counting Crows
All I want is something good
It gets harder every time
She is leaving here tonight
Take a breath
Take your time
Spread your wings and rise
Make a mark upon the wall
Paint your face and pass the time
Close your eyes and she ascends
Hold your breath and ease your mind
i seriously really fucking miss you. a lot right now.
i want my other half backkkk. =[
--
i need you here. =[ this is hard.
//12. Bodily - Ani DiFranco
You broke me bodily
The heart ain't the half of it
And I'll never learn to laugh at it
In my good natured way
In fact I'm laughing less in general
But I learned a lot at my own funeral
And I knew you'd be the death of me
So I guess that's the price I pay
[...]
I focus on the quiet now
And occasionally I'll fall asleep somehow
And emptiness has its solace
In that there's nothing left to take
//
you're throwing everything you have at me. cheap shots, low blows, will you ever let it go? you're so pathetic, give it a rest. you're not gonna win. you're never gonna... you love the sound of your own voice and the crown of death upon your head, come on. you and all your royalty, all you have is infamy. you're going to taste my fist. you're so good at stretching the truth into a sugar-coated lie. everyone takes a bite. i've been dining with the enemy. it was a wolf in sheep's clothing, now it's so clear to me.
--
its all a business now, didn’t you know? feelings don’t matter, relationships don’t matter, its all about the fame and the glory and the artificial “relationships” you can make with the names and faces of the people you fantasize about at night.
--
i’ve never been so alone, and i’ve never been so alive. its all so bittersweet. without you i don’t have a place that’s safe from all the monsters that hide in my head and sing me to sleep. i guess it’s the price to pay sometimes. have you ever been alone in a crowded room? where are you now?
//13. Swim - Jack's Mannequin
You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
//
it’s the music i’ve breathed in for the last seven years of my life. it’s the words that always understood me when no one else did. its my inspiration, its my hope. for everything. it was me and you, and the whole town underwater. you can breathe, you can breathe now. maybe the world could look like this forever.
--
playing music gives you this feeling, this emotion, that nothing else can. it gives you peace, it gives you control, it gives you serenity. it makes you feel accomplished, and productive, and just...content. i don't know how to explain it, but i just feel at one with myself and the universe and the music and everything. this is just what i needed. the music will never leave you, it will never backstab you, it will never make you cry (well, you know, it won't yell at you or anything), it will always be there, ready to hug you with open arms.
//14. Hand in My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded,
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
do yourself a favor. instead of complaining and worrying and gossiping and always looking at the worst, try being grateful and loving and laughing and counting your blessings. oh what a simple change! but the results can be magical. some things are the exact opposite of what they may seem. i’m not too worried. as long as i know the truth.
//15. Plastic Cup Politics - Less Than Jake
Here we are, another wasted night
And I am right along the side
Of forty sets of bloodshot eyes
And plastic smiles miles wide
Match plastic cups we’ll leave behind
It’s just another night of plastic cup politics
So drop your empty cups and clear your clouded heads
//
i never thought the day would come!!! wow, no more fake ID. no more worrying. i am legal baby! so thats exciting, but... i don't know what it is about birthdays that just gives me the worst anxiety. i can honestly say i'm a pretty emotionally stable person as of now. but EVERY year, without fail, i have some sort of crazy emotional breakdown around my birthday. i never want to do anything to celebrate. the thought of trying to make plans and HOPE everyone shows up just makes my stomach turn...this year we're not celebrating my birthday, but rather celebrating "not having to use my fake ID anymore". i don't know if it's just being afraid of being disappointed, or let down, or ditched, or what. i don't know what it is. ugh...i always just feel like something is missing around my birthday.
//16. Latest Mistake - Mandy Moore
There is part of me that wants an answer
Part of me that doesn’t want to know
Part of you that I'm in love with and
Part that I am willing to let go
This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Well maybe I shouldn't take this
Or love you anymore
Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up
//
To make a night out of it, Caleb and I decided to adventure and frolic in the downpour. We ended up like five blocks away and took shelter under an overhang of a random apartment complex. There was a couple people already there, so of course we all bonded on our love for Bob Dylan, Third Eye Blind, and Nine Inch Nails. What a night!
--
Caleb: I really do miss you kiddo
//17. Come Undone - Vanessa Carlton
I’ve seen myself in a thousand faces
Strung out on life’s path
I would add up what you mean to me
But I cannot do the math
And this fashionista’s garden party
Well I had enough of that
[...]
There are people in this lifetime that we should never meet
’Cause to be here now without you
Well, my life’s so incomplete
I’ll tell you what you mean to me and maybe then you’ll see
’Cause the only one I come undone for is you
//
To me, you are perfectly imperfect.
You are strange and beautiful.
But I only can see you when my eyes are closed.
So please don't wake me.
Please just let me sleep in.
Just.
This.
Once.
Maybe one day you will understand.
Maybe one day you will find me again.
I wish you would.
Maybe in another life.
//18. All You Need Is Love - Across The Universe OST
There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy.
There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It’s easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
//
What I really realized about myself last night is that I am such a believer, I have so much love and so much hope in my heart that we can accomplish anything we can imagine. I really don’t care what is “acceptable” in our society, and I have no intentions of following the “rules”…how incredibly mundane does that sound! I truly believe that we all have a little bit of Alice in ourselves, and it is up to us if we suppress her or let her run wild. What I do plan on is continuing to find life’s fun little loop holes and making the impossible possible.
Note: Shay has made an amazing companion mix from Audrey's point-of-view and posted it on her journal: promise not to (try not to) fuck with your mind. They are best listened to in a giant playlist together, rotating mixes, starting with the Audrey one. It gives you a really good idea of the contrast between the girls, and pretty much breaks my heart like that (yeah, my own mix breaks my heart WHAT). Enjoy!
++zip file++
//01. Watch the Sky - Something Corporate
and I've been up for days,
I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way,
I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home...
I will grow,
there's things that aren't worth giving up, I know,
but I wont let this get me,
I will fight
you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
and some days all I do is watch the sky
//
i really feel sorry for some people. some people are so unhappy with their lives. i love my life. i couldnt ask for a better life. i've discovered the secret to happiness. its the way i approach situations. yeah yeah we all go through shit. its part of life. i've had losses, i've had hardships. you have too. maybe yours were harder. maybe. (ps i'm not talking about death here) is the glass half full or half empty? almost empty? well mines fucking overflowing. say we're put in a situation. i will deal with it differently than some people. i will make it enjoyable. i wont sit and pout. i dont let the little things affect me. if i did...they would keep increasing and increasing. i would deteriorate inside. my thoughts would eat me alive like maggots.
//02. Hands - Jewel
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
//
learn. god does everything for a reason. you are supposed to learn lessons. you are not supposed to get depressed. learn.
get rid of whats hurting you. leave it behind. you'll be free. no matter what happens. its happening for a reason. fate. fate. its all fate. positive. think positive. as soon as you start thinking positive, positive things happen. its karma. be nice to others. think before you speak. i've learned. maybe you'll find happiness a different way. all i know is i've found myself.
//03. Narcolepsy - Third Eye Blind
And there's a demon in my head who starts to play
A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
And I hold my breath 'till it's more than I can take
And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
I try to keep awake
But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide
Into another nightmare
//
Last night I woke up at five a.m. and realized that I had been staring at my ceiling for an hour. Never have I felt this broken. Never have I felt so alone. Never. I honestly do not know what to say. I do not know what to do. My mind is blank. My mind is frail. My heart is frail. I am blank. I hate being alone. I hate..
I try and try and try to be a good person. A great friend. To anyone that will accept me. It all gets thrown back in my face. Everything. I need something to hold onto. Something consistent. something. anything. I make myself too vulnerable. ...and it breaks my heart.
//04. One More Weekend - The Academy Is...
You've got all the friends you need
Bad tattoos and worse IDs
You feel alive
Do you feel alive?
You'll go off
You'll forget
You'll grow out
Of hanging from the edges
Breaking off the past
You'll know when to move up
You'll know when to take all
The right chances
Never looking back
//
It was weird..watching hellogoodbye made me really, really sad. It reminded me too much of last year at this time...when I was happy...when I was happy with my friends...when I actually really liked someone for once... I miss that. I'd be lieing if I said I felt anywhere near that way now. I need to get out of here before I go insane.
--
I'm ready to leave Orange County.
I'm ready to close this chapter of my life.
I'm ready to call Los Angeles my home, now
//05. To the Beat of Our Noisy Hearts - Matt Nathanson
she was her mothers secret
she was daddy's girl
she brought weekend boys home in her curls
she said my love is a fever
come on touch my skin
they all think I'm easy
well I'm easy 'cause I let them win
//
Cool...I'm glad that people are lurking/stalking my personal life (and his apparenty) and talking shit like they know what they're saying. Keep making up bullshit that isn't remotely true...I'm glad that makes you feel like a big person.
//06. Once I Was Mighty - Martina Sorbara
I called all the local papers
Saying look what he did to me
Look what he said to me
Don't take this guy seriously
Still I find myself on my knees
Repenting relentlessly
For what he didn't find in me
For what I didn't turn out to be
He says I boarded up the windows of my palace
That I've grown accustomed to rose coloured glasses
So I live the life in pink
So I'm different than you think
So I'm not so outrageous
I'm not so outrageous
//
i have always found comfort in the unknown. in the inconsistent. in the unsatisfaction of it all. but for once everything seems...right. its all so right yet all so frustrating. distance will be the death of me, i'm sure. the only thing i want is him. here.now.neverleaving. ha. yeah...right. cool.
--
if I don't know you, I don't understand why you believe you have the right to IM me and try to invade my personal life. That is what this journal is for. When I have news that I don't care that the world knows about, I post it here. As for personal issues, that is for myself and my real friends to be concerned with. So unless I come to talk to you about shit, don't even fucking think about asking me ANYTHING. It is just so fucking disrespectful, that its ridiculous.
--
Q: What do you think about the fans that have tracked down your past girlfriends have begun idolizing them and giving each their own cult following via the internet?
Ryan: It’s disgusting. Why would people idolize someone who doesn’t do anything and saying you’re a model/photographer with a digital camera and Photoshop does not count as an artist.
//07. God Gave Me Patience - Tristan Prettyman
cause I cry lot
I cry out of fear
and it’d be nice if
he was all that made up these tears
but its years and years
and in the afternoon while the sun gets low
I wish I there was some direction to drive
somewhere else to go
but if you never try
you'll never know
sometimes the best part of goodbye
is letting go
//
i fucking miss when it was good.
--
it kind of reminds me when someone told me he "wanted to keep me forever" but things change with people when you want to believe them. and it breaks my heart. but this verse is so true and amazing and it makes you realize that you can trust God no matter what. He really is mine forever.
--
sometimes i wonder if the nice guy really does finish last. it sure seems like it right now. i may appear to be something to you on the surface, but, god, if you only knew what was going through my head. if you only knew. twisting my words between your little fingers to mold them into whatever you want them to mean. maybe for once i'm a little bit confused with myself. i'm horribly confused with everything. (with you). distractions, distractions. did you ever think that maybe its just a cover-up? i think i think i think i'm alright. but then i'm not. i think i might just care too much. i think i might just think too much. i think sometimes everyone forgets i have feelings, too. for now i'll just keep trying and keep pushing and keep wondering. all i know is i have always been true. my intentions have always been true. in the end, i'll probably be the only one who will catch you when you fall. if you let me. maybe one day you'll see clearly. i really hope you will.
//08. Good For You - Third Eye Blind
Cause I've been alone
My faith turned to stone
Still there's something in you I believe in
Close to the pierce I go wild and fierce
Still I let you be, I feel you next to me
Cause inside I feel a wind that starts to blow
I'm taken in your undertow
Everything is fine, I'm lonely all the time
Cause all I want to do is be there
For the things that you're going through
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you
Cause you haunt my nights when
I don't know where my life should go
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you
//
she's the yin to my yang. we're the same person but we're completely opposite. escaped a videoshoot (literally ran a mile down the hollywood hills). who does that? she says one word and i know exactly what song she's talking about.
--
all you bitchez gotta pay for your monsters.
but i got one from yinyang for christmas. and i sleep with my little monster in my bed every night.
i love you. yaaaay.
//09. At My Most Beautiful - REM
I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice.
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes.
You always say your name.
Like I wouldn't know it's you,
At your most beautiful.
//
i love you more than anything no matter what. you are my sunshineeeeee. <333 come back to me.
--
come to me....its our time finally.
//10. Losing Sleep (acoustic) - Charlotte Sometimes
Be the winner you always were,
Don’t you, don’t you dare lose.
Be the humble girl you are
Don’t cry in strangers cars.
La La Goodnight.
I’m awake and I’ve been losing sleep.
I’ve been fighting all my demons,
I’ve been getting weak cause I’ve been
Trying, trying, trying to be
Anything other than me.
//
you've got a taste for danger. it turns you on. i think i should just start gluing my fingers in the crossed position. amazing how much credence is given to idiot forms of life. putting the blade on the table, he flicked it with a finger and it whirled in a flashing circle under the light. who the hell is going to save me? he thought. as the knife stopped spinning the answer came: you're going to have to save yourself. and here we go, life's waiting to begin..tonight.
--
sometimes i wish i didn't feel like i was living in a fishbowl for everyone to observe. sometimes i wish i didn't have to bite my tounge before saying anything because what if the wrong person hears it or sees it or reads it and all of a sudden i'm whatever rumor you can pull out of me? "we're making an example out of you." but i guess that's what i'm asking for, right? but there is nothing that can bring me down anymore. whoever i was then, i cant ever be again. my goals will shatter the universe. i'm stronger every day. i am, i am a machine. don't test me. there's no stopping me.
//11. Four Days - Counting Crows
All I want is something good
It gets harder every time
She is leaving here tonight
Take a breath
Take your time
Spread your wings and rise
Make a mark upon the wall
Paint your face and pass the time
Close your eyes and she ascends
Hold your breath and ease your mind
i seriously really fucking miss you. a lot right now.
i want my other half backkkk. =[
--
i need you here. =[ this is hard.
//12. Bodily - Ani DiFranco
You broke me bodily
The heart ain't the half of it
And I'll never learn to laugh at it
In my good natured way
In fact I'm laughing less in general
But I learned a lot at my own funeral
And I knew you'd be the death of me
So I guess that's the price I pay
[...]
I focus on the quiet now
And occasionally I'll fall asleep somehow
And emptiness has its solace
In that there's nothing left to take
//
you're throwing everything you have at me. cheap shots, low blows, will you ever let it go? you're so pathetic, give it a rest. you're not gonna win. you're never gonna... you love the sound of your own voice and the crown of death upon your head, come on. you and all your royalty, all you have is infamy. you're going to taste my fist. you're so good at stretching the truth into a sugar-coated lie. everyone takes a bite. i've been dining with the enemy. it was a wolf in sheep's clothing, now it's so clear to me.
--
its all a business now, didn’t you know? feelings don’t matter, relationships don’t matter, its all about the fame and the glory and the artificial “relationships” you can make with the names and faces of the people you fantasize about at night.
--
i’ve never been so alone, and i’ve never been so alive. its all so bittersweet. without you i don’t have a place that’s safe from all the monsters that hide in my head and sing me to sleep. i guess it’s the price to pay sometimes. have you ever been alone in a crowded room? where are you now?
//13. Swim - Jack's Mannequin
You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
//
it’s the music i’ve breathed in for the last seven years of my life. it’s the words that always understood me when no one else did. its my inspiration, its my hope. for everything. it was me and you, and the whole town underwater. you can breathe, you can breathe now. maybe the world could look like this forever.
--
playing music gives you this feeling, this emotion, that nothing else can. it gives you peace, it gives you control, it gives you serenity. it makes you feel accomplished, and productive, and just...content. i don't know how to explain it, but i just feel at one with myself and the universe and the music and everything. this is just what i needed. the music will never leave you, it will never backstab you, it will never make you cry (well, you know, it won't yell at you or anything), it will always be there, ready to hug you with open arms.
//14. Hand in My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded,
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
do yourself a favor. instead of complaining and worrying and gossiping and always looking at the worst, try being grateful and loving and laughing and counting your blessings. oh what a simple change! but the results can be magical. some things are the exact opposite of what they may seem. i’m not too worried. as long as i know the truth.
//15. Plastic Cup Politics - Less Than Jake
Here we are, another wasted night
And I am right along the side
Of forty sets of bloodshot eyes
And plastic smiles miles wide
Match plastic cups we’ll leave behind
It’s just another night of plastic cup politics
So drop your empty cups and clear your clouded heads
//
i never thought the day would come!!! wow, no more fake ID. no more worrying. i am legal baby! so thats exciting, but... i don't know what it is about birthdays that just gives me the worst anxiety. i can honestly say i'm a pretty emotionally stable person as of now. but EVERY year, without fail, i have some sort of crazy emotional breakdown around my birthday. i never want to do anything to celebrate. the thought of trying to make plans and HOPE everyone shows up just makes my stomach turn...this year we're not celebrating my birthday, but rather celebrating "not having to use my fake ID anymore". i don't know if it's just being afraid of being disappointed, or let down, or ditched, or what. i don't know what it is. ugh...i always just feel like something is missing around my birthday.
//16. Latest Mistake - Mandy Moore
There is part of me that wants an answer
Part of me that doesn’t want to know
Part of you that I'm in love with and
Part that I am willing to let go
This is a delicate unraveling
Now and then I find pieces on the floor
Tiny little bits that tell me
Well maybe I shouldn't take this
Or love you anymore
Someone's gonna have to fess up
Someone's gonna have to clean this mess up
//
To make a night out of it, Caleb and I decided to adventure and frolic in the downpour. We ended up like five blocks away and took shelter under an overhang of a random apartment complex. There was a couple people already there, so of course we all bonded on our love for Bob Dylan, Third Eye Blind, and Nine Inch Nails. What a night!
--
Caleb: I really do miss you kiddo
//17. Come Undone - Vanessa Carlton
I’ve seen myself in a thousand faces
Strung out on life’s path
I would add up what you mean to me
But I cannot do the math
And this fashionista’s garden party
Well I had enough of that
[...]
There are people in this lifetime that we should never meet
’Cause to be here now without you
Well, my life’s so incomplete
I’ll tell you what you mean to me and maybe then you’ll see
’Cause the only one I come undone for is you
//
To me, you are perfectly imperfect.
You are strange and beautiful.
But I only can see you when my eyes are closed.
So please don't wake me.
Please just let me sleep in.
Just.
This.
Once.
Maybe one day you will understand.
Maybe one day you will find me again.
I wish you would.
Maybe in another life.
//18. All You Need Is Love - Across The Universe OST
There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It’s easy.
There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It’s easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
//
What I really realized about myself last night is that I am such a believer, I have so much love and so much hope in my heart that we can accomplish anything we can imagine. I really don’t care what is “acceptable” in our society, and I have no intentions of following the “rules”…how incredibly mundane does that sound! I truly believe that we all have a little bit of Alice in ourselves, and it is up to us if we suppress her or let her run wild. What I do plan on is continuing to find life’s fun little loop holes and making the impossible possible.
Note: Shay has made an amazing companion mix from Audrey's point-of-view and posted it on her journal: promise not to (try not to) fuck with your mind. They are best listened to in a giant playlist together, rotating mixes, starting with the Audrey one. It gives you a really good idea of the contrast between the girls, and pretty much breaks my heart like that (yeah, my own mix breaks my heart WHAT). Enjoy!