I miss it.
It makes me so sad to know that my life no longer revolves around the people it used to. Every journal entry somehow says how I had a great weekend with Nick, or Weber. I just miss that young mentality I had, when nothing sucked.. nights were spent at the mall, driving around, shopping & watching movies.
These entries were written during one of the worst times in my life - before my Dad died.
I know I wouldn't be the person I am today had it not been for Nick keeping me sane all those years. He was the best friend I'd ever hoped for. I just hope everything somehow goes back to how it used to be - although I know it can't totally rearrange itself. The sleepovers
here's an entry from, January 19, 2005
oh my God..
becky wrapped the cord of the blind around her neck and said she was going to hang herself just now... my dad walks in the room and i tell him..
"dad, becky's trying to hang herself.."
"well make it a little tighter punkin, that isn't going to work..."
... my dad's asking becky and i to walk up to wawa and get him a sandwich, my mom's playing the piano, well.. attempting to play the piano at least, becky's trying to hang herself and bitching about how she wants a chocolate chip cookie and a bagel, and how if she had a bagel she'd shove it up my dads ass.....
I've never been happier that I kept this journal. I have an urge to text Nick asking him to read every page of this journal.
I loved how ruthless I was when I was younger (as if I'm 70 now?) I just read an entry about when Kris & I broke up..
.....well it's friday night, gotta go do a line of aderal, shoot some heroin, smoke 3 joints laced with opium and take some pills.. god knows what they are though..
... not to mention i have a fat dude waitin in my room... he doesn't mean anything to me though...
......do i fit in now?
I was mean. Or I was fantastic and already thought I had lost everything there was to lose. Little did I know ..
January 31, 2005
..just some general wonder-ments i'm having about life.. these will probably be very random, as i always am
how is it that i'm the only one feeling all of this?
..if that ^^^ isn't true then i'm getting some mixed signals
why do you run away from so much?
why are you so affraid to feel?
.. people are affraid of their own reality, i've witnessed people run away from things that most dream of their entire lives
they leave it behind as if it wasn't worthy of being there in the first place
....................but why is this?
-- i know they have valid reasons, or what they deem "valid"
what happens when you're told so much, you're basically overflowing with all this information that for all you know could be wrong
do you go searching for the truth? or accept what you've been given and try to live with what life's handed you?
what's the point in searching for the "truth" when the person you're trying to save the memory of is making absoltely no effort to salvage any type of relationship?
.......... what did life get too hard? welcome to hell, bring some water
i don't understand how people are affraid to feel. it's the one divine right we have, and they run away from it like they run away from responsibility.. feeling is something you can't escape
at one point or another, it will catch up with you
...... how are people able to literally block out the people who've cared about them most? they walk away as those people never exsisted.. as if they were some kind of band-aid that fit for a while, but got to old and beat up that they had to replace them with something new that'll work for the time being
.. what happens if they ever want to go back? do they think that those people they dropped will still be there standing where they left them so long ago? why should those people wait around anyway.. they know now that they were dropped for a reason, they weren't good enough
you know at some point or another you have to realize that you can't take on the world
and i think i'm starting to do that
apparently so called "life" will begin, and i will have to drop the people who meant most to me, because i'll have to go live my life.. away from the people i love
away from the people who have given things up for me, away from those people who have been there by my side through think and thin... they don't mean anything, they were there through high school.. who the fuck needs 'em now?
.......... right
living life does not mean you run away from those people who have been there, it doesn't mean you refuse to believe that the loyalties you had when you were younger aren't the ones you need for the rest of your life
you don't go back on every belief you've had
.... you don't bail
These entries were written during one of the worst times in my life - before my Dad died.
I know I wouldn't be the person I am today had it not been for Nick keeping me sane all those years. He was the best friend I'd ever hoped for. I just hope everything somehow goes back to how it used to be - although I know it can't totally rearrange itself. The sleepovers
here's an entry from, January 19, 2005
oh my God..
becky wrapped the cord of the blind around her neck and said she was going to hang herself just now... my dad walks in the room and i tell him..
"dad, becky's trying to hang herself.."
"well make it a little tighter punkin, that isn't going to work..."
... my dad's asking becky and i to walk up to wawa and get him a sandwich, my mom's playing the piano, well.. attempting to play the piano at least, becky's trying to hang herself and bitching about how she wants a chocolate chip cookie and a bagel, and how if she had a bagel she'd shove it up my dads ass.....
I've never been happier that I kept this journal. I have an urge to text Nick asking him to read every page of this journal.
I loved how ruthless I was when I was younger (as if I'm 70 now?) I just read an entry about when Kris & I broke up..
.....well it's friday night, gotta go do a line of aderal, shoot some heroin, smoke 3 joints laced with opium and take some pills.. god knows what they are though..
... not to mention i have a fat dude waitin in my room... he doesn't mean anything to me though...
......do i fit in now?
I was mean. Or I was fantastic and already thought I had lost everything there was to lose. Little did I know ..
January 31, 2005
..just some general wonder-ments i'm having about life.. these will probably be very random, as i always am
how is it that i'm the only one feeling all of this?
..if that ^^^ isn't true then i'm getting some mixed signals
why do you run away from so much?
why are you so affraid to feel?
.. people are affraid of their own reality, i've witnessed people run away from things that most dream of their entire lives
they leave it behind as if it wasn't worthy of being there in the first place
....................but why is this?
-- i know they have valid reasons, or what they deem "valid"
what happens when you're told so much, you're basically overflowing with all this information that for all you know could be wrong
do you go searching for the truth? or accept what you've been given and try to live with what life's handed you?
what's the point in searching for the "truth" when the person you're trying to save the memory of is making absoltely no effort to salvage any type of relationship?
.......... what did life get too hard? welcome to hell, bring some water
i don't understand how people are affraid to feel. it's the one divine right we have, and they run away from it like they run away from responsibility.. feeling is something you can't escape
at one point or another, it will catch up with you
...... how are people able to literally block out the people who've cared about them most? they walk away as those people never exsisted.. as if they were some kind of band-aid that fit for a while, but got to old and beat up that they had to replace them with something new that'll work for the time being
.. what happens if they ever want to go back? do they think that those people they dropped will still be there standing where they left them so long ago? why should those people wait around anyway.. they know now that they were dropped for a reason, they weren't good enough
you know at some point or another you have to realize that you can't take on the world
and i think i'm starting to do that
apparently so called "life" will begin, and i will have to drop the people who meant most to me, because i'll have to go live my life.. away from the people i love
away from the people who have given things up for me, away from those people who have been there by my side through think and thin... they don't mean anything, they were there through high school.. who the fuck needs 'em now?
.......... right
living life does not mean you run away from those people who have been there, it doesn't mean you refuse to believe that the loyalties you had when you were younger aren't the ones you need for the rest of your life
you don't go back on every belief you've had
.... you don't bail